Trying to support my mum

[Jack27]

I'm sitting in my room, with headphones on trying to drown out her constant screaming. My mum has always had depression. And I have been trying all my life to support her, I haven't always been the best support, but I'm the only child that didn't bail on her. I'm now 21, and trying to get on with my own life. I'm trying to get out of here, but most of our money goes to bills and rent. My father stole all our money when he left and I'm still trying to get ahead.

We just had to move after the house we were renting was sold. The new house is terrible, we are paying more, and the house is smaller and barely functional. The landlords show up every week. We hate it here, but it was all we could get.

As annoying as this all is, I generally try to stay positive. But this is sucking the energy from me. Lately all she seems to do is find reasons to fight. She gets up every morning and starts screaming at the air. And I just have to put up with it, no matter what I say she ends up getting annoyed at me. I am sick of being treated like dirt when she feels annoyed at the world.

I'm sick of being burdened with her problems. I have issues of my own that I try to deal with. I was diagnosed with PTSD, (we survived Black Saturday)

I had to cancel a party tonight, that I had arranged nearly two months in advance. Mainly because she stated "I was forcing this on her." So I explained this was never forced on her and I asked her, her response to this is that "she feels pressured even if I give her the choice.: Basically she expects me to read her mind and try to keep my friends away from here as much as possible.  If she had just straight up said no I would understand. I wouldn't care. But instead she says yes, and then when I actually make plans, she looses it at me, and guilt trips me into cancelling the party.

This happens often, even if I just ask a friend over, she says yes at the time, and then looses it the next day at me. And if I ask why she said yes instead of no she say "I'm just taking advantage of her illness."

The only reason I still live at home is because we both support each other financially, once she is self sufficient I'll be getting away. I love my mom, and we get a long more often then not. But at times like this I just can't stand it. I feel like she uses depression as an excuse to be nasty. I try not to respond to her insults, but it can be difficult. Especially when as soon as  I wake up I'm being screamed at about something.

[AGrace]

Hi Jack,

Welcome to the forums. It was such a brave and thoughtful idea for you to come here to seek support. I do apologise that it has taken a while for you to get a reply, and I do hope that you check back in to see our responses.

It sounds like a really difficult predicament you find yourself in. You show a lot of love and compassion toward your mum, and that's something rare these days. I understand a little bit of what you are going through as my parents separated numerous times when I was growing up (my dad had one affair after the next) and it always seemed that they were more important than my sisters and I. I was also the youngest so I saw the most of it, as the others eventually moved out of home. The environment was very invalidating, and it always felt like I couldn't have a bad day or do anything wrong in case it made my mum more upset than she already was.

I ended up not being able to invite my friends over because I was too embarrassed. Embarrassed about my father's actions, embarrassed about my mum's inability to cope and then taking my father back time and time again, and embarrassed by the house we ended up living in after having to relocate every time my dad had an affair.

I wanted to ask you what sort of professional help your mum is currently receiving? It sounds like she might have more than just depression, so I wondered if she is seeing a Psychiatrist or Psychologist? Is she taking any medication to help with how she is feeling? I also wondered whether you have sought any professional support for yourself? Perhaps seeing a Psychologist or Counsellor to talk through some of your burdens might be useful. I know a lot of people don't seek treatment because it can be seen as expensive. There are some options though.

Have you heard about a mental health care plan? Both yourself and your mum can visit a GP and request a referral and mental health care plan which will entitle each of you to 10 sessions with a Psychologist or Counsellor subsidised by medicare. There are also Psychologists and Counsellors who bulk bill and by finding one with the help of a GP medicare will cover the full cost of the 10 sessions. Is this something that you would consider doing together with your mum?

If your mum is really bad and you are thinking that it might be worth her getting some proper care in hospital then there's some options there too.

I'm happy to chat more.

AGrace

[TheSteve]

Hi Jack,

Thanks for sharing your story and reaching out. It is a brave, but very smart, thing to do. AGrace has really given some great options, you should certainly read her post twice and be sure to pursue these options at the earliest.

One piece of advice I will offer is that, as a carer for your mum, you really need to take care of yourself first. Every time. You are no good to yourself OR her, if you are not taking care of  you. Every time you feel overwhelmed or overburdened, take some time for yourself or go and see a counselor, for you. There is no point in both of you going down the path together. Help yourself, and you'll naturally be able to help her better. Just like on the airplane "put your own oxygen mask on, before that of your child or anybody else". You are no good to anybody if you suffocate first. Help you, you'll be able to help others then.

Be sure to do things for you outside of home too. And when your mum contradicts herself, lashes out at you, try not to take it personally. That is her illness, not her, talking. If you can separate yourself from this personally, and not take it onboard, it will greatly help with you not having to accumulate any of this.

Good luck my friend.

Steve

[geoff]

dear Jack, welcome to the site.

It does seem as though it's catch-22 situation, where you really want to leave living with your mum, but can't because of your finances, so I just wonder whether or not you are claiming 'rent assistance' from the government.

In regard to your landlord why does he keep coming around for, and does he keep asking you or your questions about what you are doing to do with regard to something in the back yard, and he isn't allowed into the house unless he gives you warning, and although it's his house he is still forbidden to enter the house whenever he wants to, it doesn't and can't work this way.

If he just keeps coming around to have a look then I would complain to the real estate, unless you pay directly to him, and if this is the case then go to VCAT and place an interference order in, however there is a chance he won't like that, but let us know about this.

I would suggest that you make an ultimatum with your mum in that you need some freedom and that if she keeps on arguing and screaming at you then you will have no choice but to move out, this will be difficult to do and say to her, but you are entitled to have a life without any criticism from her.

Maybe she can get a boarder in, although I doubt this could ever work out, but let us know about the rent assistance from centrelink. Geoff.