My partner suffers from depression and anxiety but refuses to get treatment and refuses to face the way his anxiety makes him act towards his family.

[Bellabakealot]

I myself have suffered from general anxiety disorder and manic depression since I was a child is a good place. I am on anti depressants and they help to to be the person I feel I am not the person I don't like. I say this because as everyone who suffers from these sorts of disorders knows a relaxed, calm, stable home. My problem is that my partner suffers from severe anxiety/depression who unhealthy self medicates with obsessive compulsive behaviours. This causes him to be very negative on a constant daily basis, have little to no patience with our daughter or me, have high expectations to do with the cleanliness of our home (he wants it to be as clean as a hotel room the entire time he is in it and doesn't even like our daughter to eat because she makes a mess, she has gone off food and I am afraid its because he yells at her when she spills things), have angry outbursts for minor reasons (like there being 4 or 5 things on the bench which he deems "disgusting and filthy"), him not wanting to leave the house, Him not being able to cope/I can't trust him to with look after our daughter for even half an hour because he will either not watch he and play with his phone or yell at her for making a mess or just get frustrated with her playing, not being able to trust him with money " gambling", putting me down for not cleaning the house enough (I vacuum, mop,do all dishes and washing, cat trays, clean the garage, tidy the bathrooms, wipe all surfances , put away all toys clean up any food, put all cushions back, make bed, change bins all before he gets home everyday)

Honestly I just feel that he is cruel to our daughter and I worry that he is going to affect her self confidence, development, sense of self and self worth with his actions. 

I have talked and explained and tried to help him see that his actions are negative but if I am honest he seems is too selfish to care about anyone else and that's what makes me angry is that he makes into someone I don't like when I am around him

I am just so desperately unhappy and I see it affecting our daughter and he just doesn't seem to care. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him and I want to stick by him because I don't feel that this person he has become is really him at all but I don't know what else to do. I don't feel like I have any choice but to leave for our daughters sake because I can't stand her looking so lost and scared when we fight which is often.

[AGrace]

Hi Bellabakealot,

Welcome to the forums, and I apologise that it's taken a while for you to receive a reply. Sometimes despite our best efforts, the occasional post will slip through the cracks.

You said in your last sentence "I don't feel like I have any choice but to leave for our daughters sake because I can't stand her looking so lost and scared when we fight which is often." This to me sounds like you have already come to a decision on your own. If you still want to consider some alternative options then I guess it's worthwhile asking some questions.

What professional support is your husband receiving for the OCD? How long has he been receiving this support? Has it had any impact on his behaviours? Is it worthwhile having this reviewed? If your husband is not seeking any form of treatment would he be willing to see someone? How old is your daughter? Are you and your daughter also getting the help of a therapist? Is it worthwhile getting your daughter to see a Psychologist so that she can get some insight into why her father behaves the way he does, but also to have someone to talk to about how she is feeling? It might even be worth considering seeing someone as a family unit.

Perhaps some of the answers to these questions might steer you in the right direction because your daughter's safety and chance to have an enriched quality of life are very important. I also wanted to point out that I went to a talk on mindfulness last week. It was held by and author who is a neurologist and has been studying the impacts of mindfulness on the brain and subsequently behaviours. He actually used clients with OCD in his research. I have written a thread about it which you can find on the forums by entering the title WHY CHOOSE MINDFULNESS into the search function at the top right of the screen. The authors name is Dr Jeffrey M. Schwarz. His book "You are Not Your Brain" might be a worthwhile read for you and your husband.

I hope this is helpful. You've made a good decision to come here and seek some support, and I hope that we can offer this to you.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Bellabakealot, I wonder why this has slipped through my hands, because I have had OCD for 54 years since a young kid, however my illness doesn't go down the same track as your husband's, with all he wants is to have everything spotless and clean, and by having this in an extreme level would be unbearable to the max.

I can talk about all of this because I understand how he is thinking and why he has to feel this way, but it certainly doesn't help you and the family to be able to continue on in a daily capacity.

As much as you may love him it would be impossible to change his ways, he is too far entrenched into his OCD, and only unless he had extensive treatment and by this I mean hospitalisation in a facility where they can help people with extreme matters like he has, but unless you have private medical it's going to be an enormous cost, and even so, there's no guarantee it will work.

OCD is far too strong, it's a continual demand that totally controls the mind of the person, but I want to say that there are different levels of having this illness from the higher end or extreme end all the way down to having minor habits/rituals.

I would have to admit that it would be impossible to continue living with him, it's just putting extreme pressure on your daughter as well as yourself, and I don't really believe that he would be too upset, because he can keep the house the way he wants.

He and you would probably want to keep in contact, and I'm not saying that you should divorce him that's far from my mind, and of course this is your decision, but in regards to your daughter it's way too much and unreasonable thinking by him.

I realise that by having OCD seems to be a silly illness but it was somewhere along the line handed down to me, but my twin doesn't have it, and can I also make this comment that all my habits/rituals have changed over time, and fortunately I am not at the the top end where your husband is now, maybe I was years ago, but I suppose being at either end of the range only means that we still have it.

I do hope that you can reply back to us. L Geoff. x