Talking to friends or rellies about our illness

[Neil_1]

Hi there

There’s been so many people who have posted about these issues before, how they are an issue for them.  And this is to be able to talk to rellies or friends about your mental health – your illness.

Rellies:

As many of you may know, I’m not much of a talker (or I get really worked up when I have to talk – even stressed out yesterday waiting to see my Doc) and as a result of this I positively detest the telephone.  So for my brother, I’ll get on and do up an email and give him a pretty good blow by blow account of how things have been lately, etc.

To this though, he generally leaves it a day and then responds by phone.  I hear the phone ring of an evening, and knowing it’s the day after I’ve emailed, it just has to be him – so I let it through to the answering machine.  To have temporary relief.  What I should do is to pick it up and speak – but I can’t do that.  So I worry and stress for the next 24 hours, knowing that I have to call the next evening and speak.

And I did this just the other evening – and we talked and spoke about things, different things with his work, my work, his farm, our upcoming holiday;  their holiday to the same place a year ago, my injuries – then he said, “but how are you going otherwise?”   And I told him, “Not good – in fact really badly actually – hence a couple of recent Dr’s appointments to help me”.   And he said, “Oh, wow that’s no good – but gee, you sound pretty good to talk too”.

Now that’s the thing isn’t it people – you can’t really display how you feel via voice – because that’s why it takes me so long to phone him, cause I have to literally psych myself up to a level where when I speak, it’ll come across ok.  Then after the call, it’s like you are a balloon being deflated and you just melt down into a chair and say, “thank goodness that’s over”.

Friends:

Was thinking the other day that someone asks you how you are?  Now you don’t have to say this, but I feel I have too a lot of the time.  “Not bad thanx”.  My thought is you can’t tell them, no, I’m absolutely low as anything and terrible.  Because if they ask you the next day or the next time you see them and you say the same thing, this is the belief isn’t it, where if we keep giving out our true feelings to friends, they’ll simply switch off and move on.  Cause they don’t want to be around people who aren’t happy or are of a negative mind-set. 

Thoughts on any of the above?

Neil

[dada26]

Hi I am new here, my son is suffering from severe anxiety. Don,t know how to help him any more, need to talk.

[--Danny--]

Neil , my only advice is to talk to people who u really trust & who won't judge u...these people will support u through the tough times

Danny

[--Danny--]

Dada, take your child to the doctor & get professional help straight away...don't mess around with it mate...get your child professional help asap...please mate, its not good for kids to have anxiety.

Danny

[Struggler]

Hi Neal and everyone

It is not wise or appropriate to reveal our condition to people who have not been there.  Friends and family do not understand.  We cannot expect them to understand even if they mean well.  Worse, in business/workplace, our condition is used against us.  So, never, ever tell work about our illness.  

As for myself, because I cannot open up, my interaction with people is superficial and shallow.  Therefore it is meaningless to have "friends". 

This is why it is so important to have a site like Beyond Blue so we can truly open up anonymously.  

Struggler

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, how true is your post, exactly what or how you/me/us feel.

The only person in my family who never says to me 'you sound good' is my twin brother, and as we were growing up he never ever complained to me about any of my OCD, he never watched, nor did he ask why I do these funny habits, and he would know because we lived in the same room for years.

I am digressing but I would fall asleep on my desk when studying in year 12, back then it was called matriculation, so I went to bed while he studied away.

With regard to 'friends', look around and see where they are, but if you meet someone down the street and the conversation begins, I couldn't ever tell tell them that I tried to commit suicide last week, because word and mouth spreads like a 'wild fire', and by the time it reaches the tenth person I've had a leg amputated, two fingers chopped off and the scenario continues.

I hate my birthday because other family members always ring to wish me a Happy Birthday, and guess what, 'you sound good', whether I am or not, although it's not too bad these days but I still feel uncomfortable, and don't go to family gatherings, which I can justify because I'm a couple of hours away from my siblings, plus I have to look after Moo-Moo.

In contrast when I ask someone how are they going and they say 'fine thanks', my antennas go up knowing that they aren't.

Good post Neil which has drawn in a couple of new people which is always great to have them on board. Geoff.

[AGrace]

Since being diagnosed with BPD I've always wondered what my family think I'm going through. A couple of months ago I bought and sent each of my 3 sisters a book about the illness. I gave them the option of throwing it out or reading it. What was so comforting was they all chose to read it. Of course its not a personal account specifically about me but my intent was to give them the gift of understanding. 

Now when they ask how I am I tell them the truth, either im having a good day or a bad day. From there I explain what's making it good or bad.

Im a very strong believer in the idea that keeping things hidden is a breeding ground for stigma so I use the honesty is the best policy. When people in general ask how I am I tell the truth. If they dont understand, thats ok, they have the opportunity to ask questions.  I try to keep in mind that happiness is not the ultimate goal in life,  no one is blissfully happy all the time, mentally ill or not.

[Neil_1]

Hi all;

Thanx for the responses.

WK – a good situation to have, with regard to the daughter with MS and the male of the couple – genuine questions-genuine concern.

I probably should add here though, a few years back I sent a long email (surprise) to my bro and gave a big spiel about how I am, how I’ve been, yada yada yada.  So he knows and really, he’s pretty good about it all.  In that, he knows the phone isn’t the best thing for me, and I appreciate that from him – cause I’ve told him before about the anxiety and stress that it causes me.  He always asks “how I’m travelling” and not the stock standard, “so how are you?” kind of thing.

Struggler – I think we should have some further chats about this – because to have someone “else” as a support is a very good thing – someone you can just email or the like to say, hey am not doing so well.   I guess you’ve really gotta know your work area, you feel ‘ok’ to be able to let someone know. Sometimes it can be a really bad decision;   but in other instances it can be very fruitful and productive – in that you find that the area IS supportive and they can also put mechanisms in place to help you and monitor you.

Dada26 – this is very important – as Danny has suggested, try to get your son to a GP – but also, may we ask how old he is?   Do you feel that he’s been dealing with this for some time now?? 

Another important issue here is not to push him in anyway – so while I did mention about getting him to the GP, it’s really gotta be a decision that he feels is something that he wants to do – otherwise it could backfire against you.  

Are you able to chat with him about certain things?    Talk with him about what he likes – what he enjoys – things like this will make him more at ease and loosen him up a bit.

Do you feel that the anxiety is coming from his school or possible people at school?

Sorry, too many questions I know, but this is an issue that’s pretty close to my heart.  If you’d like, go to the Depression area and find a post that I created, “Advice needed – please”.

Please get back to us as well.

Dear Geoff;  I’m being very naughty here, but couldn’t help myself, sorry.

Geoff wrote:  “… I would fall asleep on my desk when studying in year 12, back then it was called matriculation…”      isn’t that amazing, way back when, sleep in the old days was called matriculation – and here I was thinking that sleep was always called sleep.  🙂

Kind regards

Neil

[Kirlei02]

Hey All,

So good to see people that are all on the same page...lol

Great to see.. and my saying tonight is.. we may tell them but do they really take note and take it in...

How true is your post Neil..

Thanks

Kirlei

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, I have a couple of errors which I have typed in my eagerness  a day ago since I posted it.

Correction, Geoff please stand up and take note for your desire to post without realising your mistakes.

When I posted ' I couldn't ever tell tell them that I tried to commit suicide last week' was only figuratively speaking of what happened years ago, not actually last week, but I do thank the Beyond Blue team for their great concern, but it was only a metaphorical statement.

Don't sit down yet Geoff, stand tall and wait, yes sleep is sleep and year 12 was called matriculation, and thank god it finished for me years ago, and the benefits from doing it, well I had to, and the answer to that is debatable, but because my Dad was a GP I had no option. lol.

My brother in law only finished year 11 but he ended up being in the top staff at Cadbury Schweppes. Geoff.