Talking to friends or rellies about our illness

[Neil_1]

Hi there

There’s been so many people who have posted about these issues before, how they are an issue for them.  And this is to be able to talk to rellies or friends about your mental health – your illness.

Rellies:

As many of you may know, I’m not much of a talker (or I get really worked up when I have to talk – even stressed out yesterday waiting to see my Doc) and as a result of this I positively detest the telephone.  So for my brother, I’ll get on and do up an email and give him a pretty good blow by blow account of how things have been lately, etc.

To this though, he generally leaves it a day and then responds by phone.  I hear the phone ring of an evening, and knowing it’s the day after I’ve emailed, it just has to be him – so I let it through to the answering machine.  To have temporary relief.  What I should do is to pick it up and speak – but I can’t do that.  So I worry and stress for the next 24 hours, knowing that I have to call the next evening and speak.

And I did this just the other evening – and we talked and spoke about things, different things with his work, my work, his farm, our upcoming holiday;  their holiday to the same place a year ago, my injuries – then he said, “but how are you going otherwise?”   And I told him, “Not good – in fact really badly actually – hence a couple of recent Dr’s appointments to help me”.   And he said, “Oh, wow that’s no good – but gee, you sound pretty good to talk too”.

Now that’s the thing isn’t it people – you can’t really display how you feel via voice – because that’s why it takes me so long to phone him, cause I have to literally psych myself up to a level where when I speak, it’ll come across ok.  Then after the call, it’s like you are a balloon being deflated and you just melt down into a chair and say, “thank goodness that’s over”.

Friends:

Was thinking the other day that someone asks you how you are?  Now you don’t have to say this, but I feel I have too a lot of the time.  “Not bad thanx”.  My thought is you can’t tell them, no, I’m absolutely low as anything and terrible.  Because if they ask you the next day or the next time you see them and you say the same thing, this is the belief isn’t it, where if we keep giving out our true feelings to friends, they’ll simply switch off and move on.  Cause they don’t want to be around people who aren’t happy or are of a negative mind-set. 

Thoughts on any of the above?

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

Your deserves so much more from me, but all I can say at the moment is that I agree. I do all of the above. People tell me I am terrible on the phone. Yet in text I am great. 

GA

[Neil_1]

And dear GA, that's ALL you needed to say.

I wish I could have that brevity gene with me (and yes yes, I'm hearing you Beyond Blue folk/moderation people - you're wishing like crazy that I was blessed with that particular gene as well).  🙂   🙂   🙂

[JillCameTumbling]

I don't know what the answer is, but yes I know I do it too! Sometimes I think that even being out of the house is a signal to others I'm "well", even if they don't know the hours it took to decide to go out, and the anxiety that I'm feeling once I am out.

I completely avoid the subject at all with my own family, and only mention to one or two close friends if and when they ask and if and when I don't brush the question aside.

Neil the only suggestion that comes to mind would be to explain to your brother what you wrote in the post above in your next email -that when he calls you on the phone you then feel anxious/pressure to speak normally/etc/whatever it is, and that you would prefer he reply to your email/wait for you to phone him/see him in person/whatever it is you would like him to do.

It's a script I learned in CBT and it's difficult to say it out loud but perhaps in writing you could start the conversation you really want to have.

And then one day I might take my own advice and do the same, haha!

[Stuck14]

I agree with you Neil. Other than my cousin, nobody knows about my struggles. An I avoid talking to my cousin. When asked how I am, it's generally "not to bad thanx, an urself?" removing the focus from me. I find it hard even talking to my psych an Dr. Find I'm trying to come access better than what I am so they don't get frustrated, annoyed with me. With my cousin, I generally don't answer the question an avoid the topic of me altogether. 

[JessF]

You know, i think it is funny how in our society that 'how are you' is one of those questions that is not meant to be taken literally. "I'm fine how are you" is almost the expected response.  Just once, it would be nice to say (in a regular tone of voice), "oh you know, staring at the gaping maw of emptiness through a river of tears, how about you?"

[white knight]

Hi Neil and Co,

Your letter made me realise we live in a cocoon. The protection needed because others just dont understand.  Such a pity. And we take thing literary too. As you did Neil, when your brother said "you sound alright on the phone".

Your brother and you seem to get on well. But there is a limit to how far he will show care. Showing care isnt a true reflection of how much he cares though. My guess is he shows far less care than he actually feels.

After I was diagnosed in 2003 I decided to tell all and sundry of my issues if they got close enough. Close enough meant even aquaintances.  Big mistake. In a group if there is controversy and the bush telegraph has your name mentioned all over the country then you bet your bottom dollar the tags will appear...like "he does have mental issues you know...and...yeh but he is responsible for his actions and what he says....etc.  Then they tend to stand clear of you at gatherings. Well I've had enough of that game playing.

There's truth in -Birds of a feather.....t'is why I'm here.

[Neil_1]

There's truth in -Birds of a feather.....t'is why I'm here.

Giddy up White Knight - dat is why I'm here so often.

[white knight]

Yes I know that Neil. Assumed it all along.

My wife often reminds me how difficult it is for some to talk to the clinically depressed.   I have a couple in town that have 4 grown children. One has MS.  The male of the couple always asks me how I'm travelling. And in turn I ask how his daughter is.  This is how it should be. Mutual care.

[Jo3]

Hi Neil & friends

I agree with you totally Neil.  I still struggle to tell my parents about my illness, although they do know about my depression but not to the fully extent or that I have been diagnosed with BPD.  

I haven't told many people about my mental health, only my husband and a few very close friends.  The rest don't know.

Jo