Supporting sick partner

[Grace12]

My partner is 79 and has some health issues. He is also becoming very deaf, and a bit confused because he doesn't hear our conversations very well, or mishears what I've said, or he can't remember what we have decided.  I try to be kind and patient but feel impatient sometimes and then feel bad because I know he can't help his condition. I know that I should be kind and helpful, and keep positive but it can be really hard when I feel tired and worn out worrying about him. He says he suddenly feels like an old man, when he used to be so active and helpful to me, now roles are reversed and naturally he doesn't like to feel that he needs my help. I understand all that but still can't help myself from speaking too loudly when he hasn't heard me the first time, and then feel horrible about my behaviour. I'd appreciate some advice.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Grace12,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums,

I am so sorry that your partner is becoming very deaf….and your struggling with it..

I volunteer at a charity store and most of us are elderly women, one lady has hearing problems and the other workers do get impatient with her, having to repeat themselves most every time they talk to her, you are not alone feeling impatient with your partner…this lady gets upset also that she can’t join in our conversations easily..and feels upset and sad that she can’t…

When this lady decides to wear her hearing aides, (which isn’t that often)  she hears every thing and can participate in our conversations, her face shows us how happy she is to be able to do that…We don’t know why she doesn’t wear them all the time, but when she does it’s really great for everyone that interacts with her…

Is it okay to ask you, if your partner is open to getting a professional to check out his hearing and have a pair custom fit for his hearing a set of hearing aides for him?….that then would make him feel really good because he can have conversations and it would also be beneficial for you also….

My kind thoughts, sweet Grace..

Grandy..

[Summer Rose]

Hi Grace12

I’m sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation. I can understand how hard this is for you and truly empathise.

I care for a loved one with a mental health condition and have done so for over a decade. From my experience, I can share a few thoughts …

It’s important to remember that worrying and caring for a loved one 24/7 is a major task that takes a toll on the carer. It’s okay to be human and experience frustration and impatience—even sadness, disappointment or anxiety.

You can help to reduce these feelings by taking really good care of yourself. It may sound counterintuitive, but it’s like the saying goes, “you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help someone else”.

I make sure that I take half an hour each to myself to do something that I enjoy. Sometimes I go for a walk, call a friend, read, or go out for coffee.

I also make sure I eat healthy meals, exercise (really helps to lift one’s mood) and make sure I get plenty of rest.

I also vent and talk things through with other family members and friends. From time to time I also have been known to call the beyondblue support line, and I encourage you to give it a try.

The support line is staffed 24/7 by trained professionals who, from my experience, really care about others and want to help. The number is 1300 224 636.

Please know that your partner is really lucky to have someone like you to love and care for him. You are obviously sensitive, loving and generous and that’s enough-you don’t have to be perfect.

Kind thoughts to you

[Grace12]

Thank you Summer Rose.  You have described my feelings exactly, of frustration and impatience, sadness, disappointment and anxiety about the future, and your understanding helps a lot.  I'll try to keep in mind your suggestions about looking after myself and yes, exercise and healthy food would make me feel more positive about myself and about coping. Sometimes it just feels a bit too hard when I'm tired. I'm trying to put myself in my partner's place to imagine how it must be for him when he can't hear what's going on around him.  It must be horrible. I'm hoping that this will help me feel kinder and more helpful, instead of being critical and will think about calling the BeyondBlue support line to talk to someone.

Thank you again.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Grace12

You’re so very welcome!

I really like the idea of trying to put yourself in your husband’s shoes. He didn’t ask for severe hearing loss and he’s probably frustrated, sad and maybe even scared.

Please post any time if you need to have a chat or just vent.

Kind thoughts to you 💜