Supporting my husband and the father of my children while he has bipolar

[Guest_49039522]

I guess I am reaching out to hear that I am not alone. My husband and I have been together since 2000. 24 years. He has always struggled with mental health and we have had some bad times. We have 3 children. 2 adults and one 11yo. He has recently realised that he has bipolar but has not yet reached out for help psychologically or medically. I feel that now he knows what is wrong he longer feels like he needs to mask his symptoms and he is really lashing out at us. My 11yo is coping the brunt force at the moment and I am really trying to protect her but he is getting worse. She is undergoing assessment for autism but he allows her no leeway on her behaviour. He doesn't understand that she cannot control herself. I am just struggling I guess. I don't know the right thing to do. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Thankyou for your post, it's refreshing to see a carer make such effort gor answers.

I'm 68yo, bipolar2, dysthymia and this year told I'm under the autism spectrum high functioning. 

Having bipolar requires medication to enable us to live within the boundaries of acceptable behaviour, however such adverse behaviour, moods, mania etc is still present, med don't eliminate them. So what residue is left should be addressed as much as possible by the patient and their carer to contain the symptoms so life runs smoothly.

Your daughter does not need the difficulties her father creates, her environment deserves encouragement and support.

I've found over many years that therapy is most beneficial for bipolar as we need all the calm guidance we can muster. Denial, arrogance if present along with angry outbursts will likely result in family trauma. 

On a positive note connection between father and daughter can be enhanced if he shared activities with her to remind her there's a Dr Jeckle in him not just a Mr Hyde. Eg he attend sports with encouragement. 

Bipolar is complex, it's a life of split second triggers that are often too fast for the patient to contain. That's where patience and understanding are crucial. 

If you google "beondblus relationship strife? - the peace pipe" that thread us a process that has worked for my wife and I. Try to get hubby to agree with that formula, even your daughter, to break the tension in the air and you'll all benefit.

Regular GP check ups, medication reviews and therapy is needed along with self reflection by the patient. 

Reply anytime

TonyWK 

[therising]

A huge warm welcome to you, especially at such an upsetting and stressful time in your life. You deserve so much support and care as you manage not just your husband and daughter's challenges but also your own. This must be proving to also be so incredibly exhausting for you.

As Tony points to, a diagnosis or diagnoses can be complex. There can be multiple conditions that can overlap. I'm wondering whether your husband has been given an official diagnosis of bipolar or he simply ticks a lot of the boxes, based on personal research (which can be helpful on occasion in the way of leading people in a direction for help). Could he be on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum and he's stopped masking (trying to manage/regulate his behaviour), which could help explain why it's ramped up. Could it be a mix of bipolar and something else? Could it be a mix of autism and ADHD (AuDHD)? Beyond a clinical or psychological diagnosis, could he be struggling with different aspects of his nature? Could there be some nurture issues in there too, when it comes to how he grew up? Kind of like how he was raised to perceive, experience and manage or not manage his nature? I'm sorry about that, I think I'm giving you more questions than answers. Personally, I've found any significant quest for a way forward tends to hold a lot of questions.

I've discovered a good question when it comes to living with questionable people is 'How do I become constructively intolerant?'. I've found that figuring out what I will and won't tolerate is an exercise in becoming more conscious and an exercise in getting 'the people pleaser' in me to take a back seat. Again, a lot of questions involved. When it comes to your husband, could you consider

• I can tolerate him researching and developing greater understanding when it comes to autism and the challenges associated with autism but I won't tolerate him remaining ignorant (ignoring the need for greater understanding and ignoring the opportunity to gain it)
• I can tolerate him giving our daughter skills in managing but I won't tolerate him criticising her while giving her no skills with which to develop through. I will not tolerate his laziness in this area of skill development
• I can tolerate his need to express how he feels but I won't tolerate his aggressive and abusive delivery when it comes to his self expression
• I can tolerate the condition/s which he struggles to manage but I won't tolerate him doing absolutely nothing when it comes to managing that condition or those conditions. Again, this could be seen as laziness as well as a lack of responsibility

From my own experience, becoming intolerant definitely doesn't win you any popularity contests and it can earn you a few unsavoury titles or labels.

While I don't proclaim to be an angel when it comes to my own nature, I've tried to manage living with a husband who's a high functioning alcoholic who doesn't like change or major challenge, a 21yo daughter who's been recently diagnosed with ADHD and an 18yo son who's on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. When there's a mixed bunch of natures in a household, it can become an incredibly emotional experience. It can become stressful and it can even become depressing at times. When you're ultimately the manager of the household (the manager in keeping the peace, the manager in trying to find the best ways forward and the manager of so many other things), managing through being a director or dictator of what will and won't be tolerated can make some difference at times. Fights may ensue but by keeping in mind everyone's fighting for something (to be heard, to be considered, to be better understood etc), pays to keep in mind what the fights are ultimately about. If someone's fighting for no change as opposed to constructive change or they're fighting to have everything their own way or they're fighting for the chance to take no responsibility, it can be seriously triggering. That's the kind of stuff we can feel.