Supporting a mum with depression without sacrificing my own mental health

[Mothers_tongue]

I have struggled for years to figure out my relationship with my mum, who suffers from clinical depression. In my 20s and 30s I sought counselling to help me cope with my life. I didn't realise at the time that many of my issues stemmed from feeling unsupported, sad from being around someone who felt like a human black hole and why I was making some fairly bad life decisions. As a family we have coped I think reasonably well with caring for my Dad who died 2 years ago from cancer. However mum has really struggled to figure out how to live her life as a newly single person living 2 States away from her family. She has spent long stretches staying with myself and my brother and has relied heavily on both of us for her happiness and to help her get through an incredibly black time. I feel as though I'm at the end of my ability to have her stay with me. I've had enough. I feel tired and find myself sliding back into the stressed, sad and anxious person that I've worked so hard to heal. I know I'm not responsible for her happiness and I want her to take charge of her life now that we have helped her through this 2 years of pain, breakdown and medication. I can't help but feel that she should get some counselling to help her process everything that has transpired over the last 5 years and make a plan for her new life. Even if it is a day by day thing. She doesn't think she needs this and that family should help her through it. How can I convince her otherwise? Also, how do I ask her to only stay with me a week at a time? She is so emotionally fragile and takes my requests for space so personally.

[Quercus]

Hello mother's tongue and a belated welcome to the forums. I'm sorry your thread didn't get a quicker reply.

Becoming a carer (I say carer because that is what the relationship looks like to me) of a parent is difficult in so so many ways.

When my Grandma died my Grandad couldn't function. He had never cooked. Or cleaned. He and Grandma had been a team for 60 years. But when she passed away he was lost. My mum worked full time. Made him breakfast and his lunch. Went to work. Came home cooked his dinner and cleaned the house and then came home. She did that for 5 years. She has not recovered from it.

She wasn't able to put any boundaries in place. Because she loved him. But for me looking in... She was exhausted. She still is even years after he passed too.

Boundaries are a painful necessity. Yes your Mum will probably get upset but she will get used to it. I often wonder what would have happened if my mum had taught Grandad to cook. He was capable (like your Mum is capable) but there was no incentive for him to try because she did everything for him.

Do you think you could try that honest conversation with your Mum? "I am not doing well. I am not able to be your only support right now. Can you please think about talking to a medical professional? It would help me knowing I have help supporting you". That sort of thing. What do you think?

Please take care of yourself. There is no point helping a loved one to an extent that you suffer. Even something like getting her to book into a class or hobby will be a help to give her the chance to meet new friends.

I hope you feel able to return and keep talking.

Nat

[geoff]

hello Mothers tongue, there does become a time when a family member can't help someone in their family any longer, they need to have a break, because whatever you have to say doesn't seem to make any difference and now what it is doing is causing you to be stressed, anxious and depressed and certainly not in a pleasant situation.

You can't be the bouncing board if you are tired of listening to her and any advice you offer is only rejected, so you need to have break away from your mum, which you know.

I'm very sorry to hear about your dad passing away from another awful disease, cancer, which no one ever wants to suffer from this.

If your mum rings up and says she wants to stay with you, well sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind because what you can tell her is that the two of you are going to see someone, whether you tell her before she comes or when she arrives.

You need to be strong when you say to her that you have other plans, a girlfriends coming over or speak to her on skype if she knows how to use it, or teach her, that would be better than her staying with you for a long time, remember you have to look after yourself. Geoff.