Supporting a family member with Depression & Anxiety

[Sundari]

Dear All,

I have joined this site in the hope that I find other people who are dealing with loved ones with depression and anxiety. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. In that time, we've had a lot of issues to overcome. He lost his mother early into our relationship which we have worked through together. Then in the last 10 months we've been through various tests and have uncovered my husband is infertile. The combination of these two significant life challenges are difficult for anyone to deal with however I came to realise that his feelings and emotions were much more than just feeling sad and upset about everything. He is withdrawn often, sleeps at random times, bad diet, lack of exercise, he struggles to see positives in life and more and more recently in the last 6-8 months we've argued so much more. We never used to argue at all but I feel completely helpless. What ever I say is wrong and if I say nothing that is also wrong. He won't talk to anyone about this other than me and I feel stressed and have to carry all this pressure.

When I try and address this, he tells me it's not all about me and my feelings and consistently tells me he 'can't talk to me'. It feels like I just can't do anything to help. I have encouraged him to seek help but he believes he can 'flick a switch' and be fine. Every few months we have a few good weeks and then a relapse. I can't work out what the triggers are because at times we could be in the middle of watching a TV show and after such a brilliant few weeks to all hell breaking loose.

I've had a previous partner with Bi-Polar and helped him get diagnosed and have medication. Potentially as I've had this experience I am less patient with my husband. I feel like that was a difficult journey and I am finding that I am on this path again. I guess I just would like advice on how to deal with such random acts of behaviour. I find it all suffocating and just want to push it away. 

I run my own business and trying to mange that on top of supporting us both (he doesn't work and hasn't for over a year - due to a visa issue which is also contributing to his feelings of worthlessness and lack of confidence, no self esteem) and providing support it's really taking it's toll on me now too. 

If anyone has advice, suggestions or help I would welcome them. 

[geoff]

dear Sundari, thanks for joining the site and welcome yo on board.

I see that you are trying to cope with 3 issues here, 1 your husband, 2 yourself, and 3 your business, so with all these combined it's a colossal amount that is concerning you.

I can also see that your previous partner had bipolar and this must have been an enormous effort for you to try and help him, but it also sets a precedent of 'oh no here we go again'.

For a male to know the news that they are infertile, is a loss of their manhood, so they feel as though they are incapable of being an adequate father figure, but there are ways to overcome this thought, which can be discussed later on, but I'm sure that you have an idea.

He doesn't want to talk to you, and this is common for a couple when someone is depressed, because they don't want to burden you with their thoughts, so the idea is they are protecting you from their depression, but in actual fact it can do the complete opposite, as you become annoyed and frustrated with him, so it then becomes a catch 22 situation.

I wonder whether he is in denial, and I say this because he keeps arguing with you on what he feels is right and then what's wrong, so he hasn't accepted that he has depression, and won't until he realises that he actually needs help, and even by you telling him this will just dig his heels in, so it's an awkward situation for you.

There are a couple of things that you need to do yourself and first off is to seek help from your doctor, because you need this for yourself as well as your business, and for your husband I would click under 'resources' at the top of the page and order the free material from BB which describes depression and all the facts, so to help yourself I suggest that you read it and then have it laying around, and hopefully your husband will pick it up and go through it himself, I am running out of characters, but hope that you reply back to us. L Geoff. x

[AGrace]

Hi Sundari,

I wanted to start by saying thank you for caring enough to reach out to us here. Supporting a loved one with a mental illness is quite a challenge.

The wonderful Geoff has given some solid advice, and I think it's good to get a male's perspective on what it's like to experience mental illness. Even if just to give you some understanding of what your partner is experiencing.

I also wanted to add that there are a few community members who are going through, or have been through a similar situation to yours. You may find it helpful to read through some of their threads, or even join their discussion and perhaps get some more support.

Perhaps take a look at the following. You can type the headings into the search function if you like. You could also type some key words into the search function too and see what existing threads come up.

How to deal with a depressed partner? By KittieK

Advice on how best to support my partner. By  ecsc1985

Struggling with my depressed husband. By Dilemma

Having conversations with others who are actually in a "carer" role can be really beneficial. Sometimes you can come up with ideas together as to how you can best be of support, whilst still looking after yourself and allowing life to go on.

Let us know how you get on with this, of course we are willing to offer more suggestions if need be.

AGrace

[Sundari]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you so much for your email and advise. I read through this last night and it actually helped me heaps. My husband and I were struggling to have a conversation without it erupting into an argument. However, after reading your post I decided to approach the situation head on and after much discussion he admitted he was suffering from depression. He was scared to tell me as he has a fear that I will leave him etc. I instantly felt a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I am sure he felt the same.

He's reluctant to see a counselor as he doesn't feel they help, he's tried before and hasn't seen the benefit. I've suggested he needs to find someone he can connect with. It's going to be baby steps I know and I am mindful that I can't push him into something but gently persuade.

In terms of myself, I did see the doctor and a psychologist a few months ago. The doctor knows me well and understands I am stressed. The psychologist, was rather eccentric to say the least and I didn't see much value in me going any further. I was really seeking help on ways to deal with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. She did recommend a book which I bought and surprisingly that helped heaps and my husband actually gained a lot from reading it. (I suggested he picks this up again). 

I will download the info on this site also. The information we have the better. Financially I know counseling can be expensive but I am willing to do what ever I can to help him to get him back on the right track.

Once again thank you for your help and support! It's already helped.  

[Sundari]

Hi AGrace,

 Thank you for your email and advice. I will definitely have a look through some other posts now I've got to grips with the site. If you are able to see my reply to Geoff, he was so helpful and we've already had a break through where my husband has accepted he has depression. 

It's really great to know I can now talk to people who have experienced similar issues. Mental Illness is such a taboo in society and people are really not able to understand the challenges. My husband was in fear of loosing me if he opened up. I tried to explain if he had a broken leg, I'd look after him and we'd fix it together and this is just the same other than it's often more complex on multiple layers but one step at a time we will tackle it together.

Thanks once again!

[Sundari]

I've read through other peoples experiences and that's helped a lot. Last week when my husband acknowledged he had depression and anxiety I thought we had a break through. He even told one of his friends yesterday which was good. However, I'm really struggling with holding everything together.

It seems that in the last few months things have got much worse and even now he's acknowledged this he's not improved infact declined. In the last few days he's slept during the day lots been withdrawn and when we go to bed he has fallen into a routine of constantly battling thoughts of "you don't love me", "why do you hate me" "I'm out" "I'm useless" these types of phrases spoken over and over, then he gets a panic attack, his breathing is quick and fast and as much as I try and calm him down and reassure him eventually after 2 hours of this none stop I've had just leave him and sleep in the other room. For weeks now I've had interrupted sleep with these outbursts and it's taking it's toll.

I try and talk through things but anything I say he just feels worse and then get's even worse. He won't see a doctor or have medication, I have established he tried that years ago and it just made him 'zombie' like. I have all the leaflets from BB and have encouraged him to join a support group or to talk to someone other than me. He's so reluctant and just feels he can cope on his own but it's apparent he can't and I most definitely feel more and more stressed with everything that I don't know what to do. I love him so much but it is breaking us. 

If you have any advice it most definitely is welcomed.