Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[Skye_S]

Hey,

So 24 hours after having my chat with hubby he was all chatty with me, asking if I was ok, saying we'd get through this, I love you, giving me hugs. All the things I miss and are rare when he's in a bad space.

I told him we'd chat again in the evening - 2 days after my initial confrontation with him, which was last night.

The short story is he doesn't think he has a mental illness because our psychologist didn't diagnose him during our 10 hours of therapy. We will ask her at our session on Monday. He isn't open to getting a second opinion.

This didn't come as a great surprise to me. It's also my biggest fear, because that then just makes him a horrible husband.

We spoke a fair amount. He's not open to changing his behaviour with all the suggestions I made, kept coming up with reasons why not to do them. He finished with "I love you but you make it hard for me".

I'm going to stay with my girl friend this weekend and have a full blown girly time. So glad to have wonderful friends.

[815]

Hi SKye_S,

It is good that there is at least communication between you and your husband. Hopefully you can discuss this further in your counselling session together with the objective help of a third party.

Just my experience, we went into our relationship counselling sessions knowing that my husband was diagnosed with depression. Our psychologist also does individual counselling for depression, however she tries not to interfere with that side of it too much as my husband has his own psychologist and mental health plan for that. And we specifically sought her service for relationship counselling. While it has been beneficial that our psychologist has a lot of experience with depression and we have been able to openly discuss the impact of my husband's depression on our marriage, I still think there is benefit in keeping his treatment for his depression separate from our couples sessions.

Could you maybe ask your husband just to talk to his GP about it? If he is totally convinced he doesn't have any mental health concerns, then there would be no harm in going to see his GP, as nothing would come out of it anyway if there are no issues. And I'm not expert in this, but I wouldn't think that it would be the place of a relationship counsellor to diagnose someone with depression? But that is just my thought.

I think it's a good idea that you are spending some time away to do something fun for yourself. It might help to reset things a little for you both before your counselling session next week. I hope you have a great weekend with your girl friend 🙂

[Portia72]

Thanks 815.
things still going ok.
I think I need to adjust my “glasses” a bit & count my blessings.

I had a counsellor session today and she really highlighted my negative bias, without invalidating me (good counsellor!) I do tend to skip over the positives.

[815]

Hi Portia,

I'm glad that you are going OK and that you've had a good counselling session.

I think the good thing is that you are able to see what you can control in the situation and work on that.

I hope things continue to improve.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

I feel when one is feeling with a depressed partner it is so hard not to fell and see negative in everything.

Portia I am glad you are gaining insights from your counsellor.

815
I hope you are looking after yourself as you cope with your husband as well as offering support to those on this and other threads. Take care

[815]

Hi quirkywords,

I think what you said is true. It is so easy to get caught up in someone else's negativity, especially that brought on by depression. And even more so when it is someone you love and care for deeply.

And thank you for checking in with me. I am doing OK. I was telling a friend just yesterday that things are OK. We have some really nice moments together. But there are still some hard days. And I am still trying to find that balance, of moving forward while still being conscious of the fact that we are still learning how to navigate this somewhat new world of managing depression together as a family.

[815]

Hi everyone,

It has been some time since I've posted. Partly because I guess, I haven't felt the need to. Things seemed to be going OK. But here I am again. Perhaps not in as bad a situation as last time, but I feel the beginning of falling into that hole again so felt the need to post here.

The last few days, my husband has started showing the same behaviours of speaking rudely to me. Although he is not ignoring me as such, I just get a sense that something isn't quite right. We are in lockdown again and I know this is taking a toll on all of us. I am determined not to let things get as bad as they were last time. But I'm feeling that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach again.

Last night, I decided to talk to my husband an asked him how he was doing. He told me that he is doing just fine. He's finding ways to manage his depression. But not with my help. He has help from his friends and doesn't need min. He says that, us spending time together these past few months hasn't helped him. It hasn't really made him happy. And he suddenly remembered, that I have done nothing to help him.

This has come a bit out of nowhere for me. Our last counselling session he said that we doing fine, and that he was happy in our relationship. Although we both admitted things weren't the same, but we were on the right track. And our next session is now not for another 5 weeks as we felt that we didn't need to see her again so soon. But I feel like everything has changed in a matter of days.

He has been unable to see his psychologist as she keeps cancelling. I know he is unhappy about that I guess that professional support that he needs hasn't been there.

Is it possible that he is regressing? Or is it really true, that perhaps he really is happy, but just not happy with me?

I asked him what it was that made him come back, forgive me, give me another chance. He says he doesn't know. I'm confused and hurt but I know that I need to try not to take it personal...but what if it is personal?

[815]

I guess I would really just appreciate some advice, some thoughts, anyone who has experienced this before. I knew that it wouldn't be smooth road, that recovery is not linear. There will be good days/phases, as well as bad days/phases. I guess what I find hat to deal with that the moment is that he says he's actually happy and doing fine. Is he in denial?

I felt last night that our conversation wasn't going anywhere, so I asked if we could talk again in a few days. He said we could if I wanted to, and I said I do. And we left it at that. We haven't really spoken this morning and there's a lot of tension especially with all of us being at home with nowhere to go. I will speak to him again in a few days, but to be honest I'm not really sure what else I can say.

I don't really want to have to go through and list the things that I feel I am doing to help him. It doesn't seem genuine if I have to tell him. But he seems to be back to being hung up on that. And I'm wondering why he hasn't raised this in any of our counselling sessions and only raised it because I decided to speak to him...

[KG82]

Hi 815,

I have been thinking about you and how you’re going. I’m sorry that things have gotten harder again. I imagine it must feel like a kick in the guts all over again to be told that he doesn’t think you’re helping. You’ve tried to stay by his side and it’s been a long slog for you (judging by how long this thread is now). I wonder whether the lockdown potentially combined with the change in seasons is having an effect on your husband’s mood. If he’s also not seeing his psychologist and getting that regular input, there’s not that external help to put things in perspective. If he’s on medication is there a chance that it’s lost some of its effect and that he may need an increased dose?

Depression is a nasty illness and the lies that it tells are quite horrific. I thought with a lived experience of anxiety/depression that I would understand. Turns out that there is so much I didn’t understand. Unfortunately it’s not until the depression lifts that reason can start to take over again. With things sounding like they’re getting better and then taking a shift again, perhaps the depression is worse. Unfortunately once again that makes you the emotional punching bag. I imagine that there’s a degree of anxiety on your part about going through this all over again. I wish that I could give you answers as to how to make things better. You’re a compassionate wife who has done so much to support her husband, and sitting with the discomfort that you’re not out of the woods yet is so incredibly hard. My thoughts are with you.

[quirkywords]

815

i a so sorry that things have suddenly got harder and your husband seems to have forgotten all the progress you have made. I w ant to give you a hug and say everything will be all right.
KG82 has written a very supportive and honest post and has expressed my thoughts as well.

Depression is a complicated illness and it does deceive us. I agree we say it isn’t personal but it it is nphard nit to see that when your loved one says such hurtful things .

knowing that things change on the journey does nit make it any easier to cope when all you efforts seem to be ignored and everything you have achieved over last few months dismissed.

it is o hard when the next appointment is weeks away.

I know this has been said before and I realise you do look after yourself but it is very important. Depression can trick us into thinking we are well , into blaming loved ones for our unhappiness even when a few weeks before we were thanking them.
815 I have always admired your patience andI willing to share so honestly your experience.

As you know there are no easy answers sometimes only more questions.At Keats you are talking to each other and communicating.

There are many people reading who are going through a similar thing and encouraging you as well.