Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[Skye_S]

Hi Quirky,

Thanks for getting back to me. It feels really good to be heard.

Our councillor calls herself a psychotherapist. She does both couple and individual therapy and practices CBT. We initially would see her together for relationship councelling. A lot of the focus was on fixing me. I've had some one on one sessions with her to help with my anxiety, which was so closely tied up in this situation. My husband hasn't seen anyone by himself. There's been no real focus on making him work on his behaviour in our sessions. He has made some small improvements when he's in the negative cycle. I guess the point is we're still on the cycle though, which is entirely driven by how he feels.

In the good times he's mostly in sync with me going to bed at really reasonable hours, he'll be really active, cooks up healthy meals. The negative phases can last several days to maybe up to two weeks, so at the moment there's always longer good stretches than bad. I can never predict how long this will last.

I honestly have no clue when the tide is about the turn. I am very sensitive to his every move and gesture so I'm onto it when it does occur, but I never see the series of events that he blames for being the trigger. I still don't know what it was this time because he doesn't want to talk about it. This time he's cancelled a date day out I've planned for some time now for just us two. I'd made lots of advanced bookings to make it a lovely day. When I asked him about it he said he didn't want to spend that time with me. I'm really devastated by this but won't force the issue with him.

He's been fairly chatty tonight but don't know if that's just a front with the kids. I'm so tired of putting the olive branch out and getting rejected, but I am I right in saying this is something positive I should continue to do with him to try and feed some positivity between us?

[Portia72]

Hi all.
new to here and was seeking out a thread where there may be some people is similar situation and arrived here.

thanks for all your previous posts- it helps to know others have partner struggles!

I am struggling with my husbands depression, something only fairly recently acknowledged but present many years. I feel very alone in the relationship. The organiser, planner, decision maker, mood raiser, worker, you get the picture. I’m becoming quite exhausted with it all. Work becoming harder to focus on too ( helping profession)
My husband and I have been together over 35 yrs and 2 years ago started legal proceedings for an historical child sexual assault case where husband was victim. It’s been a stressful two years and not over yet.
He’s been very open to others about the legal proceedings which means people are incredibly concerned for him, I feel there’s not much understanding of what I am experiencing as the one who lives with him and how much I have accommodated the fallout of this wrong doing as well for many years.
He’s getting some help (not enough) and Im about to start seeing a psychologist & hopeful this will help me. I’m normally pretty upbeat but this has taken a toll on me & I feel like I don’t enjoy life much at all anymore. Not suicidal, just really sad.

[Skye_S]

Hey Portia 72,

Yep I totally hear what you're saying. This week has been especially rough and where there are just normal, low stress situations I'm feeling almost at my wit's end a lot of the time. I don't know if hubby will be kind or spiteful towards me from one moment to the next so I think I live in a state of constant anxiety. I think I'm learning to live with this as well, which is really unhealthy too. I used to be spritely most of the time. And yes, during the tough weeks it is a distraction at work too.

It's great to hear you're getting support and makes me think I need to check in regularly too again. I need to find the right way to suggest my hubby sees someone himself. I think there's total denial of there being a problem bigger than he can handle alone. I just don't feel brave enough to broach the subject. I'll get showered in negative put downs, which I'd really rather avoid. But if I don't broach the subject he might never consider getting help for himself. I consider you lucky that your husband sees someone, even occasionally. But I guess we're all here because what they are doing (if anything) isn't yet enough.

Are there any outlets that you've given up that you could take up again, be it sport, craft, music, or meeting up with friends? Perhaps making a point of putting your priorities first some of the time will give you slices of happier times while your having a tough time.

[Portia72]

Thank you for responding Skye_S.
I’m sorry you are berated by your husband - that is hard to handle.
Thankful mine does not, he just gets defensive and shuts down.
We have had a weekend where I’ve chosen to not initiate conversation so there’s been little speaking other than “what’s for dinner” type convos.
I have started cutting down on my work hours as best I can to give more space for activities but very unmotivated to make the effort required. Yes I need to connect more with others, I know. That means leaving him alone and then I feel guilty!! I know I need to work on that false guilt, he is not a child I need to tend to. I guess my fear is that we are growing apart. I know I would cope alone but I’m not so sure about him. I need to live a little more for myself.
thank you for listening. I see the psychologist Friday so will let you know how that goes. I encourage you to seek help too- we’re worth it!

[815]

Hi Skye_S
I am saddened to hear that you are in a similar situation as me. But I am humbled that my posts have helped you through some tough times, as well as allowed you to be brave enough to share. These posts have helped me through such a bad time for my family. The support here is amazing and I hope that you are able to find that support here too.

I can see so many similarities in our situation. So I can feel your heartache.

My husband just straight out did not speak to me for months. Not a single word. So maybe just take some positivity about the fact that your husband still communicates with you, and that you are still able to have some good times.

I think the key to our progress, has definitely been that my husband finally sought help, on his own. However in some ways, that was what caused the problems between us. Because he expected me to seek help for him.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but depression can have a cause. My husband blamed me for his depression. He acknowledged that I didn't trigger it, however my behaviour made it worse.

I too was tired and exhausted, of always putting the olive branch out and being rejected. I do realise now all those little things mattered to him, once the fog started to lift. All of those moments counted in the end. And I did it for as long as I had the strength to do so, and I will keep doing it.

I think what has worked for us in terms of professional support is that, our individual support is separate. Our relationship counsellor is completely separate and we do not see her individually. Although I still do find that the focus in our couples session is largely on his behaviour, it has definitely helped us to to get to where we are. I think it is important to keep your individual support separate.

I know you mentioned that you don't feel brave enough to bring up the subject of your husband getting help, could it be something that you can bring up in your counselling session?

I feel your anxiety. It can be totally draining. I know it is hard to think about caring for yourself. It is the thing that many people told me to do but I felt so unmotivated to do anything for myself. But you need to. Even if it is a walk outside for 20 minutes, or a sit down in a cafe with a coffee and cake. Just some time out for yourself.

Please keep posting here if it helps you. I am no expert in this. But I can tell you that there is hope. Just don't give up on it. And in the meantime, be kind to yourself too.

[815]

Hi Portia72,
A warm welcome to you and thank you for posting.
I feel your sadness. I felt so alone through a lot of the really bad phase. Even though I had family and friends who knew what we were going through, it was still really tough. And there are days when it still is. But I have learned to allow myself to feel that sadness and work through it. Because it is tough for us to, supporting our husbands. And it needs to be acknowledged somehow. So please know that you are not alone.
I am glad to hear that your husband is seeing someone to support him. It sounds like he has had a traumatic past and I'm so sorry to read about it. And I hope that you are able to find some support from your psyhologist this Friday. Do let us know how it goes.
I know it's hard to find the motivation to do things for yourself. But as I mentioned to Skye_S, it doesn't need to be anything huge. Just a walk around outside for a while, a coffee with a friend maybe?
And yes, we are worth it!
Please take care. And continue to post here if it helps.

[Skye_S]

Thanks Portia72 and 815,

You have both shown me that I do have silver linings, and I am usually such a silver linings kind of gal.

After almost no sleep for anxiety last night and a dreadful day at work I decided to confront him tonight. Everything on my mind came out and whilst it wasn't polished I said everything I needed to - including that I have worked on me for us, and it's his behaviour that's worsened and I'd like him to see a GP because I think he has a mental health issue and he needs to talk to someone about it. He started to deflect - as expected - but I calmly didn't take that criticism on this time (I usually just allow it to wash over me). It ended in him calmly walking out the room and having a bath. That'll be end on any conversations for a while now but I'm actually pleased to get it out before the councelling session. I'm sure he'll have a defence ready by then. Just wondering if I broach the GP thing again later this week. I'll suck it and see.

I'm struggling with leaving the kids guilt complex so I can spend the night and day with my friend this weekend. I know I need it but yeah... They also pick me up so much as well. I hope they aren't being badly effected by all this. :(

All the best for Friday Portia72.

[Portia72]

Appreciate your responses 815 & Skye_S.
I have to admit I did not expect to find such lovely support here. Thank you.

yes sometimes we have to get our brave on, Skye you’ve done so well to press through the anxiety and say what you needed to say. And can I encourage you to take that break? Maybe one of the children could go to a friends for the weekend to lighten the load at home?
I cancelled my morning appts yesterday, bought a new plant for the garden& had lunch with a fairly recent friend, kept it light but did share with her some of my struggles and that was good, she was so kind.

Hubby had an appt today with his Counsellor and was willing to talk about it in the evening. He admitted his motivation is almost flatlined and I was able to share that this drags me down too, & we agreed we need to help each other and get out of the house more. A bit of a breakthrough. So even though I’m awake at 4:30 again I feel a lot better.
thank you ladies for helping me this week.
we need to keep looking for silver linings!!
I’ll check in again on the weekend..

[815]

Hi Skye_S,

I am glad that you got to speak to your husband and tell him how you feel.I always took it as a positive when I got to speak, and I wasn't yelled at or criticised. So him walking calmly away might be a bonus 🙂

I think giving him some time to process what you have said is a good idea. And then maybe see how he is doing in a few days and see whether you are feeling brave enough to broach the subject of the GP again. I did this too, and tried to judge his mood and see whether it was the right time to bring things up.

I understand the feeling of guilt of doing things for yourself. But if you can, you should try to take a break from it all.

On the kids thing, they pick up more than we know. And sadly, my kids were impacted more than I realised through all of this and I had to get additional support for them too. I was reluctant to admit they needed it, but in the end I think it helped them too. Depression may be something that an individual person suffers, but it affects many people around them too and we need to acknowledge that.

Take care and take some time for yourself.

[815]

Hi Portia72,

I'm glad to hear you are taking time for yourself and managed to do some things to make you feel better.. And I'm even more glad that you've had a bit of a breakthrough with your husband. I guess you both just need to keep moving forward together through all of this.

We are always here if you need any support.