Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[815]

Hi KG82 and quirkywords,

Thank you guys again for your responses. I know there aren't any simple answers, I guess I am just looking for support and encouragement.

I have spent the last day thinking a lot about the things that I'd like to tell my husband, and how I want to tell him. I said I will speak to him again in a few days, so will do that in the next day or so.

He spent most of the day yesterday in our room watching TV and on his phone. I did my best to give him space by keeping busy doing other things around the house and giving him space. I did ask if he'd like to come out for a walk with the dog while the kids rode their bikes, he said maybe, but in the end he didn't end up joining us. I am just doing my best to keep the communication lines open and not shutdown as before.

He doesn't seem so uncomfortable being in the same room as me as he was there all night while I lay in bed next to him reading. I do feel that maybe, he has fallen back down a little, but maybe not so bad this time and I just need to stay here with him and help him up again.

I guess I just needed to know from others whether it sounds like depression, or whether it could be his true feelings. And I know nobody can know that for sure. But I guess the signs for depression are there.

We made progress from such a dark place, I'm hopeful that we can do it again. And I know for sure that this won't be the last time this is going to happen. I'm in it for the long haul so I know I need to toughen up and get on with it. But I also do realise that I have emotions, I get hurt and upset and so I am also taking the time I need to process my own thoughts and feelings before I do deal with it. This is OK to do right?

[KG82]

Hi 815,

It seems like you are doing everything that you can to meet his needs, and that’s admirable. It’s difficult when you’re constantly thinking about their needs and how to manage them as well as your own. For me the things that indicate depression are the irritation with which he’s speaking to you (when he does communicate), the overall reduced communication, and spending all day in front of screens... essentially withdrawing into his own world. All the things that you are doing are what is recommended on all the `how to help people with depression’ pages.

One of the things that I find hard is how to discuss the issues brought about by a depressive episode, and I commend you for trying. As you’re aware my partner just stopped talking, and then when put on the spot decided to leave. Seeing how unwell she looked when I did run into her at least reinforced to me her depression. You’re right when you say that it’s incredibly hard not to take the words and the behaviour personally. You are human and you do have feelings, and they’re valid. While it’s highly likely that it’s the depression talking and you know that if your husband were well he’d treat you differently, it does still hurt, and it does still take it’s toll on your well-being. When trying to determine whether you’re likely to be listened to and whether your partner is reasonable enough to listen, several people I’ve spoken to have likened it to fishing... small bits of information and listening to the response to see if it sounds like your partner or whether it sounds like depression. That probably sounds a bit confusing, but I thought it might be worth adding. Also in keeping things short, you’re less likely to overwhelm him and cause further withdrawal.

I think it’s absolutely OK to process your own thoughts etc first. It means that when you take them to your husband you are more likely to be able to stay calm and reasonable, and therefore have more effective communication.

I hope that makes sense, and I hope your discussion goes well. I’m sure you’ll keep us updated.

[815]

Thanks you for your reply KG82. It all makes sense.

So we did talk last night. It wasn't great, but it wasn't the worst. I tried to stick to my main points and not get too side tracked.

I told him that while I am glad that his friends are comfortable giving him advice on strategies on how to deal with his depression and that he is taking it on board and it is working, I am just not comfortable in providing him that type of support. I apologised for that, but said that that doesn't mean I don't care. It is just not the sort of support I am comfortable providing him right now. I have my reasons, which I didn't go into as I didn't want to spend too much time on that topic, but I did want to acknowledge the support his friends are providing him.

I told him that instead, I thought that us spending time together again, talking about stuff, both good and bad, and just doing things together, was making him happy. Because I have felt happy in those moments. Not all the time, and not enough or not the way that it used to be, but I felt that it was a start to rebuilding some of the things that we had lost. I admitted that there was a lot about our life that I missed, but that I knew that we weren't going to go back to that, but had hoped that we starting to build something better, and something more genuine because we had come from such a bad place and we are still here together.

I also said that I thought the nights he would let me hold him when I felt he needed a hug, had provided him some comfort. And that I thought that I was giving him the support that he needed from me. And that I'm sorry that he didn't feel the same.

I said that I wished he had raised it in one our sessions. But he said that he had felt happy, and that it was working. But that he had suddenly remembered the past and how he had felt. Which I acknowledged is going to happen from time to time. And we can't forget it, but we can use it as a reminder to us of where we once were, and how we've moved forward from that. That was basically the end of our conversation.

I asked if we could talk in a few days, and he said we could if I want.

I think he is just being human, and that the memories and feelings have resurfaced, as they do for me too from time to time. While I deal with those feelings internally, he deals with them by taking it out on me. Which is not ideal. But something that we need to work on. All in all I think there are still some positive signs and I will continue to write here.

[KG82]

Hi 815,

I’m glad you were able to talk to your husband and say how you’re feeling. It’s hard in a situation like this because you know that things have changed and that they can’t go back to the way that they were before. I think it’s a positive sign that he was at least listening and agreed to talk again. I hope things are tracking along ok for you both.

[Blue Banded Bee]

Hi 815,

Sorry to hear things are going backwards for you but, at least, you both are still communicating with each other, which positive.

Being in lockdown again definitely can mess up a person's mental health. I agree with you it is hard to forget what happened last year, I always use that to remind myself to check-in on my partner and look after myself.

There is always hope, as long as you don't give up.

[815]

Hey guys,

Thanks again for the responses. I really appreciate the support.

Since I last posted on here, I would say that my husband's tone towards me when he speaks to me as gotten better. Although not always great, he isn't rude or irritable as such. And he isn't ignoring me. He has been a bit 'nicer'. I did decide to try and speak to him about it again, but I think that just annoyed him so I didn't try to push.

He is not one for big apologies. Instead, he just sort of starts treating me nicer. The last few days have still been very up and down though and it's a bit hard for me to understand what's really going on.

On a positive note, when the weather has allowed us, he has been joining me in walking with the kids to school and then we go on for a longer walk, just the two of us, with the dog. We are still sitting and eating breakfast together. He makes me a coffee each morning and afternoon (which he brings to the study for me during our work day). I try to still keep conversation going, and ask him most nights how his day was or try to make small conversation. He doesn't offer much information but he is still responsive if I ask.

I had a psychologist appointment yesterday. While I have always known that his way of 'dealing with things' is different to mine, I guess I have not always been as patient in accepting that. But my psychologist used different words yesterday that sort of changed my perspective on it. This is his way of 'healing', as opposed to 'dealing with it'. And when she says it like that, I realise the importance of allowing him that time and space. But at the same time I can't pull away as I did last time and be fearful of his reaction towards me when I try to reach out to him. I have to continue doing that. And on his part, definitely his reaction to me is not as negative as it has been in the past.

So I need to keep it all in perspective and just remain strong beside him until he is ready to move forward again.

[quirkywords]

815

I always learn something from your insightful posts.My partner is not depressed but he can be negative and be Ryde to me. I used to want to just flee but now I am learning this is his way of coping. While like you were I don’t want to be treated badly from reading your post I can see his behaviour in a different light. !

I agree to remain strong and see things in a different perspective which is hard when one is blamed for being the problem.

Thanks 815 and all those who have written a post on this thread.

[815]

Hi everyone,

Quirkywords, thank you for your response. I am glad that you find my posts helpful in some way.

I have been away for a while as I don't really have much to update. It's hard for me to know where we are at the moment. The kids are on school holidays so our routine of walking together in the mornings has been a bit broken. However we are still conversing a little. It is mostly me initiating communications, but mostly he is responsive, sometimes his tone is not the best but I just try not to react to it.

We did manage to go out to a festival as a family on the weekend so I guess we are still able to spend time together. It hasn't gotten to the point where it was last year where he just outright refused to spend time with us. And I have to just make sure I keep the communication going so it doesn't get to that.

As far as I can tell he hasn't seen his psychologist for over a month now and I know he has had difficulty with her keeping appointments. I am not so sure what is going on with that as last time I asked him about it he said he had an appointment but didn't know when it was...

We have relationship counselling next week. I am anxious about it as I have no idea what he is going to say. I don't want to be going in there feeling like I will need to defend myself, but that's how I feel at the moment and it's not a great feeling. I am trying my best not to think too much about it.

He still makes me a coffee, he asks me most nights if I'd like ice cream, he still lets me know where/when he is going out. I guess it is just these little things that he does that helps me to know he is still trying and all I can do is trust him, trust myself, and trust that in time, we will start to heal again.

[quirkywords]

815

Thanks for an update and feedback.

Do you find writing here helps you sort out your thoughts.?

Relationship counselling can make you feel closer sometimes it can be very uncomfortable.

I suppose you can only live in the moment and be thankful for his small gestures.

[815]

Thanks quirkywords.

Yes, writing has always been an outlet for me. It helps me to process my thoughts and see things a bit more clearly.

Even on the days we have been to relationship counselling together when things have been better, I still find the whole thing uncomfortable. I guess it is always a reminder of why we are there at all. But I guess I have to try not to dwell on that, and to remember that we have made progress since we first stepped into that room.

I know we will have ups and downs, and that is the reason that I know we need to continue to attend these sessions together even when we feel things are going great.

As you said all I can do is try to be in this moment, and be grateful that we are not where we were almost 12 months ago. It feels like a long journey already, but I honestly believe that this will be a journey for a lifetime and that over time, it will not always be good, but it may be easier.