Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[KG82]

Hi 815,

I thought I’d just check in and see how things are going for you. It sounds like a trying time, though good to acknowledge that things have improved on where they were 12 months ago. It’s a long ride and it’s so courageous to be able to stay there when you feel like you’re getting nothing or not much back.

[815]

Hi KG82 (and everyone reading)

Thank you again for checking in with me. I have found it difficult to write. I feel I am repeating myself a lot. However I do feel that it is important for anyone following this journey to know that, it is a journey, and it keeps going. Even when I am not here with updates, things are always moving.

We had relationship counselling over a week ago now. Prior to that, we had been out to dinner just the two of us as the kids stayed over at my parents' house. I'm surprised he agreed to it, but I figured that I just need to keep asking and HOPE that I will get a positive response.

Relationship counselling was HARD. We talked about the latest 'dip'...he said he got mad at me, and originally wasn't able to explain why. But our counsellor went through a series of questions and was able to extract info from him. He said that he feels like I can't be bothered with anything. That whenever I check in with him, ask him how he's doing, that it's not genuine. That it's all fake. And that I have an agenda. And that is to 'be right'. Because asking how he is and checking in with him is 'the right thing to do'. So that if things don't work out between us, that none of this will be my fault. That I can wipe my hands of it all and not be to blame. Our counsellor asked him, why would I still be here, if I didn't care? Why would anyone want to live this way? He says he doesn't know, but he stands by his theory.

Hearing that, was extremely hurtful. But it also made me sad, to see how much depression has can affect a person.

But...we came home after that. And he made me a cup of coffee and brought it to my desk while I was working. We went out for lunch together the following day. And things have been moving every so slowly, forward. It's almost as if...things were said in that room with our counsellor, to get them off his chest, and now he's done that, they were left there and we have moved forward...

So although I am not jumping up and down with glee, I am filled with hope. I do know that this journey continues, with the ups and downs of life, but I won't ever give up hope.

[815]

Well...an update. But not a great one.

Things haven't been great. I have been continuing to try and communicate about things, although he doesn't ignore me, the responses are quite short and sharp.

We took the kids to school and took our puppy for a walk this morning. Our puppy was being difficult and I guess that must have triggered something. He was fuming. When we got home, I asked if he could please calm down. He asked if I could please just go away...

Perhaps I shouldn't have asked him to calm down. I didn't go after him and try to talk. I figured that I need to respect his wishes to be left alone.

But then he made me a cup of coffee and left it on the kitchen bench. We usually sit and eat breakfast together. I really didn't want to be in his space, but I also didn't want to be ungrateful for the coffee. So I took my time preparing my breakfast and just as I sat to eat, he had finished his. He's still mad, as dishes are being thrown into the sink and doors are being slammed. I'm not sure for whose benefit this is, as I am not planning to react to any of it.

We usually pick the kids up together from school in the afternoon, and I really have no idea what will happen. If I go along as normal, he thinks I am ignoring the issues. But if I don't go along, it causes a rift between us and I don't want to go down that road again.

I'm anxious. I'm sad. And you know, I'm lonely. But for the sake of my husband and his well being, I have to stay strong and remain by his side even if it is in silence.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow so I will discuss with her. But perhaps I will also try to talk to my husband tonight, even if it is just to ask how he's doing...

[quirkywords]

815,

I have been catching up on your posts and I can feel your tiredness and your patience through your words.

Reading about your counsellors appointment I can relate to what he us saying but I may be wrong. He is maybe worried he will get the blame for what is happening in your relationship so he is attributing motives to your genuine concern to care for him.

Depression makes you feel you are worthless so someone who is still there caring for you must be doing it for another reason.You feel no person would want to care for such a hopeless person. I realise you know this and you are so patient, It does not make his theory any easier to cope with.

I can feel your loneliness and that whatever you do or say will be interpreted in the wrong way.
When I read what your husband said to the counsellor about your actions I became emotional as I used to push loved ones away .

I wish I could offer more support but we are listening and I hope writing here still helps.

[815]

Hi quirkywords,

Thanks for your response and support.

I think I have accepted that part of the reason he behaves this way, is because as you said, it's hard for him to believe that I could still care about him. What was useful for me in your post is that, he may be worried that he will get the blame for what is happening. I am sure I have said before in our counselling sessions that I don't blame him, nor expect anymore from him than what he is able to give. However it might be helpful for me to reiterate that in our next session.

And perhaps his anger is not even about me, maybe it is more about himself, but I just happened to be there when he was experiencing those emotions so I was the one that he took it out on it. And all of that is OK, although it is hurtful, I have to get past that in order to be able to support him.

I guess the problem that I have is, not knowing how to actually support him...like you said, it's like whatever I say or do will be perceived in a negative way. And I know nobody really has all the answers, but I'm honestly at a loss as to how to keep trying, or what to do next.

[Here2Talk]

Hi 815,

it sounds like your husband has mixed emotions of anger, sadness and shame.... whilst depressed he will probably interpret things that are neutral - eg not having the coffee till later - as maybe rejection from you. And a lot of other things too..... But you are not doing anything wrong, it can be hard communicating with someone who’s depressed or angry (in your case sometimes both), as keeping a conversation going and having emotional closeness is like a dance, in that there’s subtle things which can make it awkward....

here to chat more if you want, take care

[815]

Hi Here2Talk,

I appreciate your reply.

A lot of things are very awkward at the moment.

He mad me another coffee this afternoon. I was watching TV and he left it on the kitchen bench. I went up to get it while he was making his own coffee.

While he questions my motives on the things I do, I guess I question his as well. But not so much motives. While he questions whether I genuinely care because of the things I do, my question or wondering is more along the lines of, why would he do this if he doesn't care? And it just shows how differently we perceive each other's actions. And I guess the way he perceives mine maybe comes from the depression?

Thank you for being here to chat.

[KG82]

Hi 815,

It sounds like things have been quite rough. I’m glad that you’re seeing your psychologist tomorrow. Hopefully being able to debrief will be helpful.

Depression is cruel and I remember reading about how anything that you say and do when someone is depressed is perceived through a filter of depression. All the good is filtered out, leaving opportunities for misconceptions. Do you find that in those situations where you’re being pushed away or blamed for something, that you try harder?

Have you spoken with your husband about boundaries and the lines that you won’t allow him to cross in terms of his behaviour? It’s ok for him to have his feelings and to have these feelings validated, but it’s not ok to be disrespectful. It’s been a long road for you both of you, and it sounds like the journey is only going to continue. I can see you’re reflecting on your own behaviour and the impact that has. That is a double-edged sword. It shows that you can see the impact of the way that you react, but also that it has the potential to lead to second-guessing yourself, which is exhausting. This is one of those instances that people say to be kind to yourself (it’s not something that I’m good at), and remember that you are human and you are doing the best that you can.

Keep us updated.

[Here2Talk]

You’re absolutely welcome 815.

I think your analysis is quite accurate. Clearly he is feeling a complex mix of emotions in just the fact that he made you a coffee... twice. Perhaps the first time he thought you took so long to drink it because you didn’t care - the theme that came up during couples therapy. Obviously you do care, I can see from what I’ve briefly read here. But like KG82 said, he is probably viewing things through a filter - perhaps the only time he can even step away from his own thoughts and feelings is to eg. make you a coffee etc.

Often I think a partner becomes an emotional punching bag when one has depression- it certainly is a lot for you to try and stay positive and keep the house and kids in order and then have leftover psychological energy to care for your husband. I guess trying to talk honestly when you can get through to him would be good - if there are periods where he is emotionally stable enough to be amenable to serious discussion.

Similar to what KG82 also said, you and your children also have needs that are just as important as your husband - while it is normal for men to be a little more angry, aggressive when they feel bad, you still deserve respect....

Sounds like you’re doing everything you can my dear. I wish the best for you and your husband.

How long has hubby been depressed may I ask, and how old are your kiddies? I apologise, I haven’t read all 200ish posts in your thread

[emotionallydrained]

Hi 815,

I just caught up on your situation. I'm sorry that the last week has been a roller coaster again.

How did you go at your last sessions?

I do think the same as the other suggestions that he is perceiving that you don't care or trying to deflect back to you to preserve his own shortcomings with the depression - which is just the illness talking.

I did get this as well. I've been accused of not caring so many times and it hurts. Especially when you've given up so much to show that you care.

I know in my relationship that things have turned and I am the one with the depression. I do still make my husband a coffee when I put the kettle on and do it just to be nice. I do get annoyed when he doesn't drink it though. But I do think he is doing it to be nice and show he does still care.

I hope things look up. You are so strong and your support for him is so amazing. He is truly lucky to have you by his side. Just remember to know your limits because we all have them. I'm at mine - even past them - and it's not got me in a very good place atm. As you know, I'm at the point where I almost can't leave and have to live like this and it's not making me a good person or good mum. Make sure you have a limit. You're not any less of a person by having one but you need to have it there for your kids. xx