Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[Croix]

Dear 815~

OK, I've found your thread and will watch from here. As for my (late) wife, you are right, she was amazing.

I'll put a word of caution in here, just becuse my wife remained, that is no reflection on anyone else. I am unique, so was she, as was our situation. It is not the same for all.

Nobody is a bottomless well of strenght and care, no matter how much they love. If it becomes too much then it is too much. No blame attached to pausing or leaving.

It's funny how thngs turned out. When later I became better I always felt ashamed, guilty and most unhappy with how I treated her, angry, cold, no intimacy, controlling if I could and a general real black hole in family life.

Even though I came to recognize it was not me but the PTSD, depression and anxiety that was in charge I till felt that way.

Much later on she succumbed to a lingering fatal illness, spending 9 months in hospital. I was there for her, after work a visit then phone calls later that night every day. A truly horrible time but I'm grateful, it allowed me to return the support (and also showed me I could do it) so she never felt alone.

Croix

[815]

Hi ED,

Thanks again for your reply and your support.

Things have still been tough since I last wrote. No light at the end of the tunnel yet, no lifting of the fog. However, I am still here and holding on as much as I can.

How are things on your end? I hope you're doing alright.

[815]

Hi KG82,

Thank you for this response and your ongoing virtual support. I don't think I had a chance to personally reply to it earlier. I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing? I hope you're doing OK. Post an update if you feel up to it.

[815]

Hi Croix,

Thank you so much for finding me and posting here. And for watching my story unfold.

I'm sorry to hear about your late wife. However I am also happy to hear that you have learned so much from the process of it all and are now able to give love and support to others, especially to those of us in these difficult situations right now.

I understand that every situation is different, every person unique. I am came on here to find hope and even though I don't have the answers yet, and I don't know what will happen next, I am still here day by day, getting through and finding hope. And I think that is all that I really need right now. And I hope one day to look back on these times, and that no matter the outcome, know that I didn't give up. I think that is the most important part for me, and for my family.

[quirkywords]

815,

I think you are learning about yourself and that there is a lot of uncertainty .

your incredible honesty and willingness to try different approaches are giving others hope and strength. I hope writing hear and sharing your life helps you in some way.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi 815,

I'm glad to hear you're holding on. It's such a difficult time and you're showing so much strength through it all.

I hope now that some of the restrictions have lifted that you can both get some space and alone time to regroup and just have some time out. I can only imagine how hard it's been in the same 4 walls for months on end. It's tough going through what you are at the best of times, but to do it through this crazy year is an enormous show of strength.

I am doing ok. We've always joked that my husband has a 6th sense and he must know I've been talking or not happy because we've had none of the behaviour that lead me here in the first place. Things have been calm and we've even completed some projects. It's a day by day as well, but it's good at the moment.

I hope the last few days have been better for you x

[815]

Hi quirkywords,

Thank you so much for your message of encouragement. I do hope that I am able to give hope to others. And hopefully one day, I will be able come back and read over these posts and realise that maybe, we have made progress in whatever form that may be.

Writing has always been an outlet for me. Probably not such public writing, and maybe not so raw and vulnerable. But it does help me to put my thoughts out there and try to make some sense of it all.

[815]

Hi ED,

I am so pleased to hear that things are better! Day by day, little by little. It's the best we can do.

I can't say things are better. It's been very clear to me in the past week or so that my children are really struggling with the situation. I have been asking them both what is upsetting them so much. However in the meantime I have spoken to the school to ask for additional support for them and the school psychologists will be speaking to them in the next 2-3 weeks (long waitlist unfortunately). My eldest did finally open up to me yesterday, by way of a note. She wrote, Mummy and Daddy are always yelling at each other and it makes me sad... It breaks my heart to know that my children are suffering through this too. My eldest, is such a brave little girl, and she put the same note on my husband's pillow. She said she was scared I'd be angry by what she had to tell me. But I think she has some sense of relief that she was able to unload what she has been carrying around without a negative reaction. My husband, as far as I know, hasn't spoken to her, however he did give her a kiss when he first got up this morning. He is currently at his sister's house...I suspect to talk to her about these latest developments. I am glad that she is there for him and he has someone to talk to. I have not mentioned it before, but they had a traumatic childhood, and I guess if anyone is to understand what he is going through, it would be her.

In the meantime, I have spoken to a psychologist who is lovely. She encouraged me to be gently assertive with my husband, and to ask him to see a relationship counsellor with me. I was so anxious to have this conversation. However, for better or for worse - he has agreed to come with me. We have an appointment next week. So, at the very least, I will push my way through the storm until then. I do hope he follows through and comes to the appointment, and hopefully it will be the start to working out what the way forward is for our family. I know it is still a long road ahead. And although nothing has changed from a day to day perspective, as my sister in law says, the wheels are in motion...

[Not_Batman]

Hi 815

i find it comforting to know that

a) you have spoken to a psychologist about the issue, to explore ways to assist with your own mental health.

b) you may both be able to see a counsellor, and discuss on som sort of neutral ground.

it is hard when our children get caught in the crossfire.
make sure that you let your child know that what she did was a very hard thing to do, and praise her for her strength to show her feelings on the situation.

i hope things get better over the next couple of weeks

Not_Batman

[815]

Hi Not_Batman,

Thank you for your reply.

I have spoken to my daughter and told her how proud I am of her for speaking out and telling me how she feels. She came and told me that my husband spoke to her also and she said she feels better about it. I'm not sure of the details of their conversation, as that is between them but I am glad that he spoke to her because beneath all of the negativity, it means that the husband and father to my children who I love, is still there somewhere.

I will come back and write here as things progress in the next few weeks.

Thanks again everyone for all your support.