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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Cele Single family member unable to find partner
  • replies: 3

Hi all I have a family member struggling to find a partner in life for a few years now. During that time she’s watched all her family around her get married and have babies (her dream for herself). Over time this has led to depression and an anger an... View more

Hi all I have a family member struggling to find a partner in life for a few years now. During that time she’s watched all her family around her get married and have babies (her dream for herself). Over time this has led to depression and an anger and hatred for life. She lives alone in a small apartment (it’s what she wants). She doesn’t just sit at home and give up she tries over and over to meet someone but over time has developed less patience and more anger at those she meets which does show. As her family we are really struggling to cope with her constant anger, withdrawals, being punching bags but most importantly we are frustrating and exhausted at trying to know how to support her and help her in something we can’t control. She feels life is not worth living if she can’t find a man. I am writing this after sending a message to her saying enough is enough I won’t put up with you using me being a target of your anger anymore. I know this was the wrong thing to say but honestly don’t know what to say anymore after so many years. Please provide guidance.

Sheraz50 Isolated FIFO partner is very depressed
  • replies: 4

Hi, my partner is FIFO in another state. We met at beginning of covid crisis, then he had to work away for 3 months. He cries a lot and gets drunk every night. He says he’s a high functioning alcoholic but wants to change. He had proposed to me and w... View more

Hi, my partner is FIFO in another state. We met at beginning of covid crisis, then he had to work away for 3 months. He cries a lot and gets drunk every night. He says he’s a high functioning alcoholic but wants to change. He had proposed to me and we were considering eloping end of last year. But in September his best mate died from drug overdose. He’s been very lost and lonely since then, but he promised he would NEVER do anything like that. He’s away atm on 6 month contract. I was with him for some time but had to come home for my elderly mum. Sadly borders closed and I couldn’t fly back to him. He was alone for a week over Christmas. His 2 teenagers couldn’t fly over there to be with him either. Then he got very sick the day before he was due back at work. He had to have another 5 days off. All alone. In meantime, I’m home with family. I tried to include him for NYE, but he just got mad at me. I wanted to break up with him. I gave him a day of space then I text to ask he was Ok. He told me he’s really depressed and been bawling every day. He’s always very soft and emotional. And I’m sure he has abandonment issues. Unfortunately, I am still unable to fly back to him and he can’t come home til Feb because of his contract. His communication is only a fraction of what we used to. I was convinced he wants me to break up with me but avoiding the confrontation. Maybe he’s chatting to other female friends and hoping I will just go away. Then I wondered if he feels inadequate / shame for being so depressed. He’s ordinarily the life of the party. After speaking to a counsellor and reading a few threads on this site, I’m starting to understand the impact of depression on men. The pain. How they withdraw, hide. And I realise depression sucks life right out of a person, making Texting & chatting very hard work. I asked him to let me help. That’s what he would say to me. I suggested he see a counsellor. I told him he’s not the only one hurting. I struggle with him being FIFO when he’s on normal roster, but being away for months is excruciating. As much as it’s very painful and confusing, I am giving him space. Today we sent few short texts to each other, He said he felt good in the morning but then started to go downhill. My last message was just 3 hearts. Is there anything else I can do to help him? I understand I can’t control him or fix him. And I know I need to take care of myself first and foremost.

Annie5 Helping depressed son
  • replies: 14

As I have read so many posts on this topic I realise that I am facing the same dilemma as many other parents of depressed teenagers. Sadly I don't take any comfort in this as there is no quick fix or one solution to the problem. My 19yo son has depre... View more

As I have read so many posts on this topic I realise that I am facing the same dilemma as many other parents of depressed teenagers. Sadly I don't take any comfort in this as there is no quick fix or one solution to the problem. My 19yo son has depression- ongoing for about 2 years and is now worse than ever. He has previously tried counselling which was unsuccessful (at least 10 sessions) and has tried medication on several occasions but won't stick with it long enough to see if there is any improvement. He will not return to his doctor for follow-up or agree to persevere with medication and as an 'adult' I can't force him. He quit his job a few months ago, no longer has any contact with friends either in person or on social media, stopped driving his car and has his phone switched off. He spends most of his time in his room and all efforts to get him to engage in any activities with the rest of the family are unsuccessful. I have had many discussions with him in the last few months about ways to improve his mental health but I have stopped pleading with him to see doc or continue with meds and for the last 2 weeks have kept discussions light and have not mentioned anything about his mental health. I have sought phone and in-person counselling because my son won't talk to anyone but on every occasion, their focus has been on my mental health and I feel I am getting nowhere with support or strategies to help my son. It is emotionally draining to see someone you love like this every day and be unable to help. I have read everything I can on helping someone who refuses help and I'm now left wondering do I sit back and do nothing? He is not a talker and won't open up to anyone. Any suggestion of involving a friend or another family member to talk with him would be refused. I feel that I have exhausted all options to get through to him and worry that nothing is going to change. Feeling drained but still searching for answers.....

RLH21 Help, My wife has bipolar and I can’t help getting frustrated and resentful
  • replies: 1

Hi, (First time poster) My wife has just been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. So she has very long chronic episodes of depression, anxiety, and also has OCD. It is a new diagnosis but not a new one hung in our lives. She has had major depressive disor... View more

Hi, (First time poster) My wife has just been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. So she has very long chronic episodes of depression, anxiety, and also has OCD. It is a new diagnosis but not a new one hung in our lives. She has had major depressive disorder/bipolar for 20years. She regularly sees a psychologist and psychiatrist and goes to gym takes her meds etc. I absolutely love my wife and want to always say supportive things and be loving but I am just exhausted. We have an 18month old baby (I was his birth mum) and am primary care giver. My wife works full time and pretty much outside of work she is completely exhausted and depressed she just wants to be in bed and doesn’t have the energy or the capacity to deal with anything else. I work 3 days a week and have our 18month old the other days. I am exhausted. Deeply want some help and get frustrated with her always being on her phone and in a slump on the couch. Like she manages so well despite her depression, she goes to work etc it’s impossible to remember she’s got bipolar ans feeling shit when all I want is a break and some time out to recoup too! how do you all do it? I feel like I’m failing my 18m old and wife

Leebump my 35 year old son has schizotypal disorder but has no insight and is untreated
  • replies: 6

Hi, How can we get our 35 year old son, who has been unwell for 16+ years to accept he has a mental illness that is negatively affecting his life. He has had two stays in hospital in the past 3 years and was put on an involuntary treatment order to w... View more

Hi, How can we get our 35 year old son, who has been unwell for 16+ years to accept he has a mental illness that is negatively affecting his life. He has had two stays in hospital in the past 3 years and was put on an involuntary treatment order to which he didn't comply. He has distanced himself from us and has been homeless for the past 2 months and has no insight to his illness. It is heartbreaking as he is such a remarkable human whom we love and adore and WILL not give up on. We have currently listed him on the Missing persons register and are hoping he presents sometime soon as last contact by phone he was clearly unwell. This has been a long haul for our family and we have exhausted every avenue to get him the help he deserves however we are constantly told that he needs to want the help that is offered - DER!!!!! he doesn't believe he has an illness so why would he want help. It is so frustrating! I just would like to know if anyone is in the same boat or have been and found a solution. So tired and want my son to live his best life.

Misterb How do I help and support my partner with suicidal depression?
  • replies: 4

My partner of 12 months is very open about her suicidal depression and regularly posts about it on her instagram page (50,000 followers) but cannot talk to me about it, this frustrates me. She keeps telling me "she's too much". I know I need tools an... View more

My partner of 12 months is very open about her suicidal depression and regularly posts about it on her instagram page (50,000 followers) but cannot talk to me about it, this frustrates me. She keeps telling me "she's too much". I know I need tools and strategies for supporting her. She tells me I'm NOT supporting her and making things worse...I don't know what to do. Do I just completely leave her alone until she comes around? I know I'm pushing her buttons. I need help and hopefully I'll get some positive strategies on how to support her and myself through these depressive episodes. My biggest fear is it will all be too much and she will leave. Please any help appreciated

Violet12 How do you validate the stress/tears/burnout of being a support person, when you have to pretend it's not a burden to the person you support?
  • replies: 4

How do you handle it when they get upset because they've recognised their actions, behaviours, struggles, etc, affect you as well? I find myself making up reasons I'm stressed so they don't know it's because of them and the whole situation they're/we... View more

How do you handle it when they get upset because they've recognised their actions, behaviours, struggles, etc, affect you as well? I find myself making up reasons I'm stressed so they don't know it's because of them and the whole situation they're/we're in. I also hear myself nearly daily reassuring them that they aren't a burden and not to worry about me, I'm fine, just focus on themselves etc. I think the effect of doing that all the time has built up and the result is emotional/psychological burnout. But the alternative would be cruel I think. I can't say "Hey, I'm really sad and stressed out today because of you". They already constantly say that they are a burden and that they want to isolate themselves so they don't bring anyone down. I can't say anything to make them want that more or seriously consider it. I've tried asking them not to say those things to me because it stresses me out - i.e., "I don't want you to tell me you're a burden, I don't want you to apologise all the time, because it just makes me feel stressed" but a) it doesn't stop them doing it and b) sometimes it makes them feel like I'm asking them to keep things bottled up. So how should I respond? How do you validate your own feelings and struggles in this without putting that on the person who is in no place to hear it and who it would only hurt? Do you all have counsellors? I'm thinking about getting myself one. Do you talk to other family members/friends about it? Do you journal? Or do you talk about it with the person involved somehow? Please let me know, because I need new strategies.

emma_e me & my girl
  • replies: 2

hi. so i'm looking for advice/reassurance on trust and space and boundaries in order to respect both myself and my girlfriend. we've been together for a year and I LOVE HER SO MUCH and we had the stereotypical lesbian 6 month glorious hormonal uhaul ... View more

hi. so i'm looking for advice/reassurance on trust and space and boundaries in order to respect both myself and my girlfriend. we've been together for a year and I LOVE HER SO MUCH and we had the stereotypical lesbian 6 month glorious hormonal uhaul and then things have been different, and part of the difference i think is in us learning to trust each other in good ways. in my previous relationship my husband was emotionally abusive and i still worry that i will be unknowingly replicating patterns from that relationship. we both manage our anxiety and depression differently and something that gives me heart is that we are both getting better at saying what we need, though i find it super challenging and she says so does she. last month we had a big heart to heart, she had been pushing me away and she said she always got to this point and freak outs and her skin crawls and she pushes whoever she is with away. but i pleased the case for what if we could learn to do it together and she agreed, because i don't know if that is depression or her. part of what she says she needs is a lot a lot of space, she says she doesn't want to put her yuck mood on me. i see her making an effort to do little things i ask eg. yesterday sit with me a while because in my anxiety i felt like i really needed company, and i so don't want to overwhelm her and i so don't want to overthink it. i also see her make a huge effort to be sunny and social when she is in her day to day, like putting the happy face on (like i used to). space is good for me too and in my less anxious mind i see we are learning to talk to each other with a deeper level of trust even over text even though that means less heart emojis which i miss. complicating factor - she is very close with her ex girlfriend, and spends a lot of time putting her and her needs first. i broached this with her a few months ago, out of concern for her own wellbeing and also our relationship because when i have energy i want to spend it on us and i think i am right to be concerned about it because she said there can be no boundaries between them. but then since then i have seen and heard her put more boundaries in place and i hope this is helpful for her. i have worked/occasionally have to keep working through my own insecurities over their closeness but it still bothers me because i guess at the back of my mind it is the thought that wow she wants space from me but not from her. thanks for the space to share this.

Kaz929 Supporting partner with depression and harm OCD
  • replies: 5

Hi, I really need some help supporting my partner of 7 years who has been diagnosed with depression and harm OCD. Sorry, this post is probably going to be long. He had been taking meds for depression when we started dating and we've managed to help e... View more

Hi, I really need some help supporting my partner of 7 years who has been diagnosed with depression and harm OCD. Sorry, this post is probably going to be long. He had been taking meds for depression when we started dating and we've managed to help each other with our mental health, until COVID hit. He has been seeing his GP every couple of months about it all (now every few weeks) and has been going to all of his appointments. However, he doesn't seem to be getting better, though he keeps telling me he is ok. There has been a few times where I have had to sit him down and push him tell me what's going on in his head as his body language is saying he's not. He seems to feel a bit better after talking, but getting him to keep communicating with me is doing my head in (so to speak). I try not to push all the time as it annoys me when people do that to me, but I have to sometimes so I know what's going on. He won't even tell me when he's seeing his GP, that's his meds have changed etc, unless I push him for it. He tried to commit suicide last year and I'm worried he is heading in that direction again. He has been recently diagnosed with harm OCD, is pretty much withdrawn from everyone and sleeps 14-15 hours a day. I can hardly get a conversation out of him. He just replies with yes/no answers most of the time. He has told me that nothing interests him anymore. He would rather be dead than alive. He also thinks the world would be better off without him. I'm doing my best to reassure him that this isn't the case but it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. Last week, I started getting him to come to the gym with mum and I twice a week. He seems to enjoy that so I will keep that up. I don't know what else I can do for him. I feel helpless. I'm trying to not let it affect me, but it is. I can't save him and I really wish I could. Any tips to help him (and my own mental health) would be great, especially with the harm OCD (totally new area for me). Thanks

Meggsy123 Anyone else have a partner with alcoholism? I am struggling!
  • replies: 5

Over the past three years, since the death of his parents, my husband has gradually developed full blown alcoholism (Alcohol Use Disorder) - no control over it anymore. His personality completely, 100%, changes for the worst. He is an unrecognizable ... View more

Over the past three years, since the death of his parents, my husband has gradually developed full blown alcoholism (Alcohol Use Disorder) - no control over it anymore. His personality completely, 100%, changes for the worst. He is an unrecognizable liar and emotionally and psychologically abusive when drunk. I am now so lost - who is the real version of my husband? It also makes me ANGRY which is highly destructive and now affecting my physical health as well as mental. Does anyone have any experience and/or advice?? THANK YOU