Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi 815,

I too am pleased you are speaking to someone and you had to courage to ask that he sees a counsellor with you. That is a huge step and even better that he agreed. I hope that it happens as well and you can start your road to working out your way forward and what has caused this bump in the road.

It's sad when our kids get caught up in it. Deep down we hope they don't hear or see things, but they do. They are so observant. My son said to me he doesn't like it when daddy yells and hurts me. I nearly balled my eyes out right there but tried to reassure him everything was ok. My son and I are close and he can talk to me about anything and I always tell him it's ok. But I've also noticed he can be disrespectful in the way he talks to me - he's only 6. I'm not a strong person who commands much respect, so I do back down a lot, especially to my husband and my son sees that. I've started to push back but now I'm just being mean apparently.

Anyway, I'm glad you have some positive news even if your day to day hasn't changed. I hope your kids will be ok and you all get through this.

Ps: It's so sad there's such a queue for counselling at the school too... this has been a very bad year. Lock downs may have suppressed Covid, but they've cause a lot more issues than it's protected imo.

[815]

Hi ED,

Our appointment is tomorrow. To say I'm anxious, is an understatement!

It's hard to really know where his head is at right now given the lack of communication. However I am planning to just go there on my own tomorrow, and hope that he meets me there. I just don't want him to expect that we're going together and he doesn't show up because I left without him. But I don't think, given our situation, that it is unreasonable for me to expect that we won't be going there together.

I was told by the principal that the wait list is long for the psychologists because of covid which is so sad and unfortunate. I have been trying my best to talk to the children about what they're feeling in the meantime. My eldest has opened up a bit more (she's 10) and she is worried about my husband being angry. All I can tell her is that it's not about her and I've told her that we are going to try our best to work through the problems. My youngest (she's 7) tells me she's upset but it is usually because of whatever is bothering here at the time. I think maybe she just can't find the words to tell me what she's really worried about, so hopefully the psychologists can help with that.

I find that they are a little more disrespectful towards me compared to my husband. I have definitely backed down a lot in my discipline since all of this started and I am sure they can see that and probably feel they can get away with that attitude towards me more these days. I have been trying to talk to them about that as well. I hope things can improve for all of us over time.

[Not_Batman]

Hi 815

talk to him about the travel situation so it is clear if you want to go together, or separately and meet there.

If no response, then i guess as long as you tell him that you will find your own way there aNd for you two to meet, thats all you can do.

Not_Batman

[815]

Hi Not_Batman,

Thanks for the suggestion. He has basically not communicated with me for many weeks now. I just don't really feel like I can ask him about the travel situation. We are basically living separate lives (although under the same roof). I would actually feel better if we went separately. So I think maybe the best I can do is to let him know that I will meet him there and that way neither of us are making assumptions about the travel situation. However I will give it some thought and see how things go.

[Zozza]

Hi 815,

Your situation sounds so difficult. That your communication is so strained must be extremely difficult. Did you end up communicating with him at all prior to the appointment?

How did you go with your appointment? Is it today? I really hope that you make some progress today, however painful that might be. Remember that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

I spoke to our GP yesterday. He suggested that perhaps I come with him to his next appointment. He suggested that I might have a better awareness of how his mental state is impacting on his own behaviour and those around him and that men often tend to overstate how well they are coping.

My husband is seeing his psychologist today. I really hope that it is helping him.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

Nice to hear from you. I'm glad you went to see your husband's GP. Hopefully you can accompany him to his next appointment and I hope his appointment with the psychologist went well.

Thanks for checking in on me. The appointment was this morning and I did not speak to my husband before. My SIL reminded him about it, and he came. It was difficult.

A lot of it was focused on him. When asked about our issues, he surprisingly went first and said that he felt I didn't care about what he was going through and so he felt no need to communicate with me. He then went on to tell the psychologist about his depression.

My husband made it very clear that he expected me to know what to do for him, without him having to tell me. He told the psychologist that if he has to ask me for help, or tell me what he needs, then whatever I do is no longer genuine. I guess I didn't know what to expect, but I did think that the psychologist would be more passive and neutral. But she questioned him a lot and basically told him that he can't have expected me to be a mind reader, and that he needs to start communicating with me. It was interesting for me to hear him say what I had already guessed (that he expected me to be a mind reader) but also interesting to hear a 3rd party say the things that I have been feeling.

I didn't say much, I only spoke when the psychologist asked me questions directly.

I don't know how my husband felt about the appointment. Huge assumption, but if I was him, I'd have been annoyed with the questions she asked. But that is me assuming because he is always annoyed at me when I ask those same questions. Maybe hearing it from a 3rd person is what he needs. However, I can tell that he is not in a very good place by what he was saying.

Because of this, I thought he wasn't ready to deal with relationship counselling. And I still don't think he's really ready, but I do also think that it is better for us to start communicating now even if it is only in front of someone else.

She has asked us to try to spend time together, sitting on the couch or going for a walk. We both reluctantly agreed to this. And he also agreed, although I still felt reluctantly, to see her again in two weeks.

Today was pretty raw. However I at least know what he is thinking, whether I agree with it or not is a different story. For tonight though, I am pretty exhausted. So I will take some time for me, before I try to ask him to spend some time together.

[Zozza]

This definitely sounds like progress.

It is really good that your husband got to hear from a 3rd party that it is unfair to expect you to be a mind reader and know what to do for him. Although it sounds to me like you might think he wasn't ready to hear this and that it might cause more conflict? I suppose the risk is that it will make him more angry and more misunderstood. But there is also the chance that he might take it on board and realise how unfair he is being.

I would also argue that it is really unfair for him to expect you to do anything about his own problems. He needs to take ownership of his own problems. It's not your responsibility to look after him. You have shown him that you are there for him and that's really all you can do.

My husband is sort of the opposite. He feels that I try to help him too much. He wants me to just leave him alone to work things out and look after myself. I am finding that really difficult. I want to be there with him in the darkness, sharing his pain. But at least he seems to have progressed a little from feeling as if the problems are external to himself - to wanting to own his problems and realising that the problems come from within. It sounds like this is something that your husband is yet to do.

I hope that you are feeling ok.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

Thank you again for replying and checking in. It honestly warms my heart to know that someone out there can care enough to check in. I guess I am doing OK. I've had time to reflect on things a little. Yesterday I caught up with my SIL for coffee for a bit of a debrief of the counselling session. Then I had a psychologist appointment, and then met with a friend for lunch.

My SIL met with my husband for lunch after chatting to me. She told me afterwards that he said he would go to the next appointment. And she said that it sounds like he will keep going so she said that's at least one less thing to worry about. I'm really not sure what his intentions are for going, but I can only hope that regardless of his words deep down he is there to try and work things out with me. He is also seeing a new psychologist, so I am hoping that will help him too.

My own psychologist has asked me to try and re-engage with my husband also. As difficult as she knows this will be, she says I need to feel brave enough to do that even if it means being ignored or rejected. But it will hopefully give me a feeling of empowerment, to know that I own my actions and that regardless of the outcome I still tried and gave it all I had.

I guess like you said, he still has a lot to work through about owning his problems and trying to resolve them for himself. I've said many times that there were two roads for us. One would be for him to work on himself first, then work on us once he's in a better frame of mind. And the other is to do both at the same time since I seem to be a big issue for him right now. And I guess we have taken the latter path of seeking help together, while also seeking help individually. I guess I have to trust in the professionals, but also trust in us.

But now, I am faced with another difficult task of trying to get my husband to spend time with me, and trying to re-engage with him. Because I know that for right now he probably won't initiate any of this. So I will have to find the courage to do it for us for now.

I can see how your situation can be difficult too. Having your husband not want your support, whatever the reason, is so heartbreaking. I hope you're doing and that things will get better for you and your family day by day too.

[Not_Batman]

Hi 815

its a very trying time for you all, i can see. I hope that you are getting enough support and guidance through it all.

by what you have said, i does sound positive. I hope this weekend opens some doors.

Not_Batman

[815]

Hi Not_Batman,

It certainly is a trying time. I do have a support network. However I feel sometimes that I am over burdening them so that makes it a bit difficult too.

I know I need to look at the positives - he came to the session, and is planning to come to the next one and seems like he will keep coming. The feedback from his SIL on his new psychologist is that she also seems better than his last one. So that is also a positive. And I have an insight into his mind which I haven't had for many weeks.

I guess what I have come to realise is that, love alone will not be enough for his recovery. He needs proper medical help, which he is getting. However I know the recovery will still be long and difficult, with many bumps in the road.

I worry for my children a lot, how they will get through this. I am doing my best to be there for them and reassure them that things will be OK. But it is hard to be convincing when I have doubts in my own mind. However I hope we can learn something from this once we are through it.

I am really reluctant to try to initiate spending time with my husband to re-engage. But it is what my own psychologist, as well as the relationship counsellor have asked of me in the next two weeks. I am reluctant to try because I am worried that his reaction will be negative. However, I guess this isn't anything new to me, and I think I will be able to handle a negative reaction, more than I can handle the idea of going the next two weeks knowing that I didn't try...

Because if I don't try, we will never be able to move forward.