Struggling with Bipolar friend

[Voice_Mail]

Previously it was thought that my friend just had depression, however she was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We are both currently on exchange, and living as neighbours in one-person apartments. Friend has trouble maintaining relationships, and at times I have been her only friend. However this has put a lot of pressure on me as I am an introvert, yet she is constantly ringing my doorbell, calling me or messaging me, wanting me to go out and do things every day. I suffer from chronic depression and this pressure has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety, with my psychologist suggesting that I try and set boundaries. 

Friend also has a drinking problem, despite everyone trying to stop her from drinking, and expresses very problematic behaviour when drunk. Recently she has come home drunk and rung my doorbell at 3-4 in the morning, three times, shouting at me and accusing me of things. I know that these are symptoms of her mental illness, and all of websites say not to take these episodes personally, but as a depression sufferer it's really hard.

I feel like I am sacrificing my own health and wellbeing by trying to stick by my friend, and it is becoming a real struggle to deal with her. I feel like it would be best for my own health if I broke off ties with her, but at the same time feel guilty about that possibility because I know what it is like to struggle with mental illness.

(She is currently talking with a psychiatrist twice a week, recently started on a new medication, and will be changing from her anti-depressants to a different medication next month. The psychiatrist is also considering putting her on Antabuse to stop her alcohol abuse.)

[white knight]

Hi VM,  welcome here.

I dont have much sympathy for you 'friend' I'm afraid. A friend ceases to become one when they are selfish and dont look after themselves (drinking to excess) and that leads to interupting your life.

I think your psychiatrist is correct- set boundaries. When she doesnt keep to your limits then drift away. Try not to be confrontational. Try to get a different room.

Yes, bipolar and other illnesses need patience, understanding and tolerance. But you also need understanding and you need your sleep and uninterupted time for study. We all need to be selfish at times to maintain our plans direction.

Someone else here might have other suggestions. We dont mind disagreeing here. it's healthy and it gives you choices.

Remember- you are not in this world to live up to her expectations.

[AGrace]

Hi VM,

Welcome to Beyondblue. I'm glad you've come here and I hope that we can offer you some support.

Whiteknight has made some very good points. You are not responsible for your friend, you are her friend. 

I do wonder why the decision of the exchange to begin with given she is so unwell? Perhaps the exchange needs to be cancelled so she can go back home and get some more support? Are you able to speak with a coordinator about this?

Yes, your Psychologist is right, you do need to set some boundaries especially relating to what you expect of her as a friend and what she can expect of you? I'm not sure if your Psychologist has been through how to do this with you? You could start by writing down what some healthy expectations would look like. For example: Your friend cannot knock on your door as she chooses - you might suggest that if she knocks between reasonable hours you will answer if you feel like company only. You might also like to suggest that you will not be in her company, or be responsible for her if she drinks in excess. Perhaps see if you can come up with some more, and then it's a matter of telling her, and telling her why these boundaries are important to you and the friendship.

By the sounds of it, your friend has sought a review of her treatment, so you may want to see the results of this before ditching her. If however she is not able to make the changes that you outline then I think it's fair for you to break off the friendship.

I hope this is logical, and useful. Look forward to hearing what you decide or an update.

AGrace