Struggling living with husband with mental illness

[Sad_carer]

My husband & I have been together 36 years, married for 32. I was 16 when we started dating & knew I met my soul mate. Our life was really great, we were best friends, never fought & we were so in love. My husband had a couple of bouts of depression which he recovered from with counselling & medication. Then in late 2010 he suffered severe anxiety & melancholic depression which was treatment resistant. Our wonderful doctor (who specialises in mental health) helped my husband through his previous bouts of illness sent him to a psychologist & psychiatrist. After counselling & changes in medication failed to work he was admitted to hospital for ECT. After 10 rounds we decided to stop as he was hallucinating which was distressing. He spent 7 weeks in hospital having the ECT, counselling & medication changes but was still very unwell when he came home. I went to hospital every day, went to almost all of his counselling sessions & psychiatrist visits for 5 1/2 years & during this time I had him on suicide watch twice. My life changed so much & then he finally started to come back. We took a trip overseas which was amazing but when we returned things started to change. It was gradual so it took me until things became really bad that I went to our doctor & explained everything to her. She advised me to go to the psychiatrist again with him who diagnosed bipolar. Once again my husband was not the man he used to be & I struggled to come to terms with another mental illness, more medical visits & more changes in medication. It's now been about 9 months & although he has improved a lot, things between us have changed. I still care for him but my feelings aren't the same & I don't love him anymore. Our marriage has deteriorated so much that it's close to being over. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought this would happen to us. We were an almost perfect couple. Last Friday I went & had a good talk to our doctor & she has strongly suggested we have some relationship counselling which my husband & I have both decided to do. I feel so bad though because it's his illness that has changed him & therefor causing the issues so it's not his fault. But I have been through so much, I am extremely unhappy & I'm scared about the major change that could happen in my life if we don't get our marriage back on track. I'm feeling very confused & no one I can talk to really understands my situation. Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar & what the outcome was?

[SKH]

I feel saddened by these posts and your stories. I can completely relate- this is the first time I’ve commented or reached out. I know this thread finished years ago but I hope you are all doing ok. I am not. I feel sad because when I read your posts I realise it’s not going to get better. 
I’ve been with my husband since we were 16. Together for 25 years.. married for 18. 
I’ve gone up and down this roller coaster and I’m broken. Now I find myself fantasizing about divorce and separation so I can breathe and be myself. So I don’t have to tiptoe around egg shells anymore. 
yesterday he told me we have no future and we want different life style. He just wants to be alone when he’s at peace. 
I feel he avoids all his responsibilities. We have 4 kids and even asking him to pick one of them up from sport annoys him. 
so one day I decided that if I wanted to be with him I’d just have to understand he doesn’t and won’t do things like that. He says things like when I do everything I’m being a Marta but if ask him to help he gets annoyed or yells at me. 
people / friends notice often saying oh where’s your husband or oh gee I’ve ever seen him here watching the kids. It’s actually embarrassing 
I’m at the point where I need happiness more than half my life I had to deal with this and I’m exhausted. 
I want someone to turn up for me and the kids. I have to have surgery and he is going fishing instead. And I have no one to drop me off and pick me up. This isn’t this first time.. 
I just don’t know how to separate. Or how to minimise pain for our 4 kids. 
I cannot see how he will improve. Any advice would be greatly appreciated 

[Breathe88]

Looking at these posts i can see they mirror my life in ways..

My other half has mental illness and an Autoimmune disease.

We have been thru so so much, 

His irritability and anger has been there from the beginning.. 

25 years together engaged for just as long married for a couple with children.

So young together.. i can see now he had some sort of issues to begin with and its followed on. SKH ..and sad carer i really feel for you.

SKH your life seems like mine.

Ive been the carer for a long time without officially being the carer.. i wish at times it wasnt this hard and someone would care for me.

Recently he went of meds and the irritability and aggression soon returned.

I know they cant see it when they need to be helped. 

Im at the point im over exhausted!

Same walking on eggshells is my term and i thought i just would say this.

Theres love, i love him but cant be in this situation anymore!

I need to take care of me just a bit and our kids.

After this argument and coming of the meds he has gone back on them and starting to return to the better version.

I dont want him to waist his life either as the meds can make him sleep and zone out. I want him to do stuff with me and the kids but its like ive been the single mum with an ill partner.

Theres literally no time left for me and my well being.

I know this time for real we need to seperate its just going to be the same old ..but i have to say it ..he thinks i dont love him i do but its just not enough anymore..

The behaviour is unacceptable always was but i let it slide 

I care too much. I dont want him to hurt himself.

I dont know where he can go being on disability.

I just dont know what to do or how to do it, we have had our whole lives together.

Its so hard its heartbreaking to know and think how it could have been and im blamed for a lot of it .

Im not perfect either but ive never given up on him..made sure he had what was needed .

I just dont know how to do it. 

Im scared of his reaction and living without him for the first time in many years 

I just feel like i need to live what i may have left with calmness and peace.

Ive given so much of myself theres nothing left and just realised it.