SON WANTS TO END LIFE

[Carolyn]

My son is 23. He has said for many many years he wants to end his life. He is extremely lonely. He told me last night he will be ending his life but not whilst I am still living but if he is still single by the time I die - that’s it. He’s done. I am 52. I will be around for a while yet. How can I help him ? 

[50WV]

Hi just wanted to say hello that I feel for you. Around 2 yrs ago my brother who is my closest friend attempted to take his life and it was the worst day of my life. I have spent the last 18 months or more on a kind of half existence / suicide watch which has lead to my own ptsd type situation, panic attacks etc. my brother whilst in a better place these days still scares me from time to time. I am not sure what the answer is in your instance but finding the source of my brothers anxiety and depression and showing support seems to have helped somewhat as has an open dialogue. For myself going and talking to a psychologist even just once lifted a weight off my shoulders as did a quick chat to beyond blue staff. Best wishes 

[therising]

Hi Carolyn

I think this is one of the hardest things to hear from someone we love so much, them telling us that they just can't tolerate living. It can feel so heartbreaking. As 50WV mentions, something has to change and sometimes the best start can come down to being supportive while also getting to the bottom of that person's struggles or finding someone for them who can help get to the bottom of things.

As a 53yo gal and as someone who's face the ins and out of depression since my late teens (both long term and episodic depression), what I've found is the reasons for depression aren't always clear. Once they become clear, the path ahead isn't necessarily so dark. It's not so much about 'I can't live anymore', it's more so about 'I don't know how to live under the circumstances'. So, gaining a better understanding of what has led to such depressing circumstances is key.

I've found there can be so many different reasons for depression and, as I say, a lot of them may not be all that obvious. There can be psychological reasons which can involve deeply depressing inner dialogue, depressing belief systems that've gotta go, a lack of positive or constructive belief systems, a lack of skill sets to utilise, a false and depressing sense of identity and so on. There can be physical reasons which can involve chemistry and biology. In this case a lack of the right chemistry or a chemical imbalance can be somewhat of a culprit. Whether it's a lack of things in life that provide dopamine hits to the brain (such as with hobbies, going to the gym, having certain things to look forward to etc) or a lack of oxytocin (the natural 'love' or 'bonding' chemical) that we'd normally feel in a happy and healthy relationship, the lack can be felt. Iron, B12, thyroid deficiencies etc can also be felt as depressing, as can sleep apnea. Then there are all the natural factors or what some may call soulful in some cases.

If one of our main reasons for being here on this earth is to evolve, then the challenge comes down to learning how to evolve. When the school of hard knocks feels more like a prison, it can become incredibly depressing, with constant thoughts of escaping. When you really consider it, no one really teaches us how to strategically evolve throughout our life. We typically have to seek out ways to do it. This explains why 'self help' books are a multi billion dollar industry, why life coaching is an industry that's on the rise and why psychologists are in short supply. People are looking for ways to become more conscious, ways to evolve. I've found it pays to be conscious of how we come to define our self, for a start. For example, while I was told back in my 20s 'You're someone who will most likely struggle with depression for the rest of your life', I understandably found this to be deeply depressing. What I wish I'd been told is 'You're someone who's highly sensitive therefor you will be challenged by everything you sense'. There are an enormous amount of skills needed in managing the ability to sense, skills well worth developing. Can't help but wonder whether your son's a sensitive kind of guy.

[Carolyn]

Hi. Thanks so much for writing to me. I really appreciate your response. I am going to go and talk to someone about this. 

[Carolyn]

Thanks so much for your reply. My son knows why he is depressed. He says there is absolutely nothing he can do about it. He says it’s because he has ADHD and OCD and Tourette’s Syndrome and all the complications that come with this. There is so much that comes with these disabilities. He has never had a girlfriend which is a huge thing to him he says. He is extremely lonely and lots of other things he says. Too many to mention here. I don’t know how to help him and I know it’s only a matter of time before I loose him to suicide. This makes me like a nervous wreck and is ruining my life. I put on a happy face but I am dieing inside and cry all the time in private. Every suggestion I have for him is knocked down for one reason or another. I just don’t know how to help him. Thank you soooooo much for all your advice and the time you took to write your long response. 

[therising]

Hi Carolyn

Sounds like a good plan. If there's one thing I've learned about raising kids through challenges and raising myself through my kids' challenges, guides (in how to do it) become a must at times. Uncharted territory can require solid guides to help lead the way. Hard to know the best direction when we've never had to head in that particular direction before. Through the experience you gain, you'll become a good, solid and supportive guide for other parents in the future who face these challenges you'll be able to relate to.

[therising]

Hi Carolyn

I can't fully imagine how hard this must be for your son to live with, something that impacts so many different areas of his life. I also can't fully imagine how painful it must feel for a mum to watch her son try to live with such challenges. Our love for our child/ren is such an incredibly beautiful and powerful thing until we feel their pain. While such love remains powerful, witnessing and feeling their sufferance can feel like a form of torture.

Until you mentioned ADHD and OCD, I had no idea such conditions could factor in regarding Tourette's Syndrome (TS) for some people. Depression and anxiety are another two conditions that can be related, according to certain studies. For some, that's 5 combined challenges in 1 (ADHD, OCD, depression, anxiety and TS). Individually, such conditions can pose enormous challenges for some, let alone collectively.

Your post has led me down a bit of a rabbit hole. It's led me to wonder about the latest research for TS, as well as having led me to find a number of studies and trials. Trials for something called the 'Neupulse' device looks promising. I also had no idea about 'Premonitory Urges' with TS and how this can impact anxiety levels. My deepest respect goes out to all the researchers and those working so hard to find answers and a greater quality of life for people living with TS and the conditions that can accompany it.

Wondering if you're seeing anyone for your mental wellbeing. Personally, I don't believe I could manage one of my child's challenges alone if it was impacting me so greatly.❤️