Seeking help for a friend

[LouiseEliz]

Hi there,

This will be my first post on here. I am writing on behalf of a friend who recently confided in me he has suicidal thoughts ( of which he won’t act on according to him), severe anxiety preventing him from getting up sometimes in the morning, physical exhaustion and feeling the need to be alone.
I just recently took him out for a trip to the cinema to take him away from “real life “ for a bit and to just have a small talk to let him know that we can address this together. He mentioned himself he doesn’t know whether to see someone. He is worried he may see someone he knows when he s at a doctors locally, which I totally understand. The great thing is that he s talking to me openly about how he feels. He s giving himself a hard time for feeling how he does as he believes he has nothing to “feel depressed about “ but as we know it’s not as simple as that.

I have mentioned things like going for walks outdoors instead of being trapped inside with his thoughts, perhaps getting some vitamin D and fresh air with me and the dog may help clear his mind and also a gratitude journal or just send me 1 thing you’re grateful for per day.
But I don’t want to force anything on him. I know from previous experience that just being with someone else helps distract you from your sometimes “illogical” thoughts that seem so rational to you at the time.

I want to advise him or be there for him in the best professional way so that he can seek help. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

[therising]

Hi LouiseEliz

You're beautiful! You really are! If only we all had that person in our life who was there to raise us when the lows deeply challenged us. Again, you're beautiful.

Do you think it would make some difference if you guided your friend toward understanding them self in new ways? There are plenty of ways to seek self understanding. Unfortunately, as we're growing up, this is not an angle that's really covered by our parents/teachers/guardians. For example: We may be told 'Eat your vegetables' without full understanding as to why we should be eating our vegetables. 'Mood and food' is a hot topic at the moment in the world of physical/mental health. The gut microbiome is a fascinating thing - how it ticks and how it serves mental health. So, you could perhaps suggest to your friend 'This is going to be a winding and quirky path out of this depression. With that in mind, we're going to begin with a dietician. We'll get a referral from a GP and see the dietician together. I'm eager to learn a few things myself'.

'Let's dip our toes into the waters of experimentation and exploration together' could be an approach. You could look at creating a list of things to do together that have never been tried before. This could involve new things you try only once and/or things you return to that appear to make a positive difference. Guided meditation group session/s, going to some way out festival, traveling into nature and taking in the sensory stimuli and sharing what you find with each other and this list goes on. It's kind of like - the challenge becomes about recreation or re-creation through ploughing through a list of new things. It's hard to recreate our self through sameness.

One of the most fulfilling things about raising someone to remember their natural self (the excited explorer of life, as a child) involves us remembering this sense of self. We're not just raising them, they're raising us as well through a shared experience.

Of course energy can be seriously lacking in a depression. Energy levels will vary from day to day for your friend. Picking things from the challenge list you may create can allow for the energy fluctuations. There may be high activity pickings and ones that are more low key. Relaxed activity or active relaxation allows for balanced, gradual and positive reformation.

Re-identifying as 'a regular adventurer' (someone who regularly adds ventures to life) can help shift our perception of life itself and our connection to it.

🙂

[Aaronsis]

Hi LouiseEliz
Welcome to the forum, can I also say how proud I am of you for not only “being there” for your friend but also going one step further to seek out ways to support and to provide comfort and care for your friend. You are truly wonderful and you probably have no idea the positive impact you have already made in his life, just by being there and having the conversations you have.

I just want to focus on one part of what you mentioned and that is he has shared with you that he has had suicidal thoughts, even though he has said he will not be “acting” on them, we should not relax and take comfort in those words. By that I mean that I would try to make sure he really is not planning to take his life. I had to learn how to have this conversation with another person, but you can practice until you feel comfortable in having the chat with him.

You can start by asking him “Is it ok if we talk some more about what you said to me the other day about having suicidal thoughts?” if he says he doesn’t want to talk about it perhaps clarify with him why as you are feeling concerned about him and you would like to make sure he is ok. If he says yes then you can go into asking “I am wanting to know if you have a plan as to how you would take your life?” Very hard to ask I know but it is so important..if he says no that is great, but if you feel he is not being truthful, you can express that you are concerned and just want to ensure he is safe. If he says yes this is a red flag but you must remain calm and show him you are ready to listen if he wants to share those details with you, it will be hard to hear but your reaction will gain trust with him and he will feel supported and hopefully continue to share his feelings. The next part of the conversation is then “do you have a time frame or know when you plan to do this?”if he says yes, it is time you would need to act and perhaps call an ambulance or direct him to some immediate care, like an emergency department at hospital or at the least LifeLine on 13 11 14.
There is a great link on the Beyond Blue page on how to have a conversation with someone.

I also want to make sure that you take care of you, what he might say could be upsetting or confronting but making sure you are ok too is very important, keep chatting here and reaching out for support too.
I am so very happy that he has a friend like you, you have the heart of an angel and you are so wonderful.

Hope to chat some more, you are amazing

Sarah x

[Tay100]

Hi LouiseEliz

I agree with what everyone has said, it's all really solid advice.

If I may add one thing, it would be that it's important to check in with your friend regardless of, (but with gentle encouragement, hopefully after) seeking professional help. Even just saying something like "Hey, how did it go since we last chatted about x?" or "Are you still finding that x and y is true for you?" This way they can reevaluate how things are, and maybe seek help if they haven't already or seek additional help that is better suited to thier needs.

Hope that makes sense, happy to clarify. Keep us updated 🙂

[Tay100]

Hi LouiseEliz

Hope you are travelling ok- just wanted to check in on you (and of course, your friend). How are things going? Anything new comes to light that we can hep with? Feel free to let us know if you feel up to it, but of course no pressure at all.

Take care,

Tay100