Pushing me out, I'm helpless

[Hope93]

Hi,

I've never done this before but I need to get things off my chest. My boyfriend of two years has suffered depression for a while. He regularly sees a psychologist and takes medication daily, and usually he is great, he has his down times but for the most part he is pretty good. 

He doesn't tell me much, but I feel like telling one person every week all your fears and secrets is traumatic enough. I never push. And lately I just thought he was having a down patch, but then all of a sudden out of no where he is wanting to end us. He wants to end us because he doesn't think I deserve to be pulled down with him, or that I should be appreciated more because sometimes he can't do it as much as he would like. He says how much he loves me, but that he needs time and space, to be alone and to find himself, to sort out his life, and that he can't be with me to do that.

I totally want him to find himself, I want him to get better, to recover from this dark hole I can't reach him in. I want to give him the space and time he needs, and to support him 100%. But he has pushed me out, refuses to speak to me. It's killing me every day not being able to be there for him, when all I want to do is to tell him that he is worth it, that it isn't his fault that he is sick and that I love him regardless. I know it's bigger then love, but I don't know how to get to him, I don't know what I am meant to do. And every day I can't talk to him, is another day I feel further away from him. 

Any advice people have to give on there experiences would be great, I am feeling helpless.

[Chris_B]

Hi Hope93,

Welcome to the forums. Pushing away loved ones and friends can be a common reaction to depression, and is often discussed here on the forums.

Below are some recent threads you might like to read and contribute to:

He pushes us away - how do I help?

Pushing friends and loved ones away

I have pushed my husband away

Husband depressed says he wants to leave advice please!

Loving someone with depression when you're not sure they love you

I pushed my husband away

If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this

[White_Rose]

Dear Hope

Thank you for writing in and welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope you will stay around and get some great support and suggestions. We all have mental health problems or are looking for help for someone so that there is a huge pool of experience here.

Chris has provided links to a number of other similar posts which I suggest you read. Everyone has their own particular story but all these post share the same theme. And this shows how common it is to have this problem. It really is a product of depression. Depression messes with our brains and tells us we are all the things your BF says, but of course it is not true.

My best suggestion for you at this time is to read the threads listed by Chris and see how many of them and in how much detail they match your situation. It may even be useful to get your BF to read these posts as well, just to reassure him he is not alone with these feelings.

Regards

Mary

[Prudence_A]

Hello,

Reading your post sounds so familiar. My partner is doing pretty much the same thing. I can only offer the advice that was offered to me and my experience so I hope it helps.

Firstly  as much as you worry about him, you also need to look after yourself. I have found writing on here a great help because you can express your feelings without judgement. I have also been seeing a counsellor to discuss my feelings. Another important part of looking after yourself is having an outlet. I've just joined a group fitness which is something that takes my mind off things and is just for me.

I can imagine you will be thinking sure I'll look after myself but I can't just forget about my partner. (I did think the same) I don't think you should just forget about him but maybe he needs a little space and time. Can you talk to him or write a letter expressing your concern and asking for a "catch up" once a week so you still have contact and keep the relationship there. This will give you something to look forward to each week and hopefully with a little time he will need less space.

I also send my partner text messages to remind him how much I love him and that I'm here when he needs me.

I hope things get better for you soon. Hope to hear from you on here again

Prudence x

[Double D]

Hi Prudence,

Thank you so much your post is so helpful, the fact someone else actually understands what I'm going through makes me feel like not alone!

I have a great relationship with his mum, so I talk to her almost everyday just to make sure he's okay, he's still not ready to talk to me. Whenever I think of something I want to say or good advice I have been writing it down to discuss with him. I am also considering going to a counsellor myself.

I've sent him a confetti card in the mail saying how much I miss him, and your idea about the weekly catch up seems like a great idea! Does it or has it been working for you?

I'm so worried that he has just completely given up on me and sorting us out, I just want him to know I want to be a team and support him through everything. His mum said he still has all our pictures and the book I made him in his room, that's a good sign isn't it?

hope to hear from you soon,

Hope 

[MollyTheBolly]

I don't have any advice or answers but I am going through the same thing...

[DianeB]

Hi everyone,

 I dont have any advice to give, I'm going through the same thing with by boyfriend.

It has been 10 days since he pushed me away. I had no news for 3 days, then a little text now and then, asking how I was. 

But his texts are cold, not like they use to be. He said we shouldn't see each other for a while because he needs space.

So I wait. Every single day I wait for an eventual text and for the day he will be willing to see me again.

I've been through different stages. First heartbreaking, then huge pain which is turning into anger now, I don't like that. I'm really in pain, had to stop work for 1 week... And I can't tell him anything.

I carry on with my own life without knowing where our is relationship up to. I find it really difficult. It's much worst than a breakup. I had no idea it would be that hard. If only I could know how long this will last for, weeks? Months? Time is so slow now.

I keep hope that things will be back to normal, but it's really difficult.

 How do you survive to this?