Partner Suffering Breakdown - My Fault

[Confused91]

Hi All,

My partner of 9 years has suffered from anxiety from around the age of 10, when we got together he was on medication and had the anxiety under control. Over the years he goes through a rough patch about every 18 months (shuts down, hides away and is generally depressed) this usually lasts a week and then he is back to the norm. 

Around 3 months ago he broke my trust (money related) and on discovering what he had done I took some time to myself to reevaluate our relationship. I forgave him for what he had done and genuinely believe he is sorry for what he has done. 

Since I discovered this he has completely shut down like I have never seen before, suffering panic attacks, calling my work number crying, no motivation and he generally seems out of it. I sent him to the doctor which I also attended the appointment who referred him to a counceller for some assistance. There has been no improvement over the past 6 weeks which is taking a huge toll on both of our lives. 

He goes to work when he chooses and picks fights with his boss to get sent home, he sits around the house in his underwear failing to do anything like a house hold chore or cook. I ask him to do something & when he doesn't he says I didn't ask him or he forgot. 

Can any of you provide any ways of how I can get some motivation back into my usually loving, caring and helpful partner? 

His lack of motivation and constant sadness is taking a huge toll on our relationship and lives and I can't help but feel guilty and resent myself for pulling him up for his wrong doing as this is what started this. 

I feel like I'm falling into a black hole, My honesty was the cause of his pain, therefore I should be unhappy too. 

Any tips or ideas would be greatly appreciated, I just wish I could rewind 3 months back to when I had a happy partner who would leave the house with me. 

 HELP!!?

[geoff]

dear Confused, hello and welcome to the BB forum, where you and your partner are having a great deal of difficulty, which we know especially when of you has begun the process, and I don't mean this in any hard way.

What seems to the initial case here is that your partner has relapses quite regularly as please this is not uncommon, with myself being included, and we can never predict if or when it's going to happen, nor why it actually keeps on returning.

The big question is can we stop or prevent any relapse from happening, well yes, there are certain times when it can be prevented, but to discuss this it needs to have it's own post, as it is a huge topic to address, and perhaps someone may raise it because there would be too many points that people would have.

I would like to ask you some questions if you don't mind, and you don't have to answer any if you don't want to, because I don't want to make you 'feel under the pump'.

I am concerned about the money, but more why he took it and what he used it for, and there are suggestions I could raise, but I don't want to do this at the moment, as it wouldn't be fair at all.

I do believe that he is having a breakdown now as it maybe too big for being a relapse, as he doesn't seem to want to keep his job so tht he can stay at home.

Unfortunately the partner or other spouse tend to blame themselves for the reason that their opposite has suddenly become depressed, but in most cases this can not be verified, as time will tell and something else may have caused it.

What I would suggest is that you firstly go back to your doctor or another one and get another referral to some other psychologist, because it is very important that he can trust this psych and then open up to him/her, otherwise it's pointless in him seeing his current psych.

You also need some help by also seeing your doctor, because it's not possible for you to be able to cope unless you have support and maybe medication by yourself.

This is an enormous situation, and maybe you could ask your doctor if your partner needs time in a hospital, but if this is the case it is only a temporary solution, because he will want to come home and this could mean back to square one.

I'm almost out of characters, but what I would dearly love is for you to get back to us now and regularly. L Geoff. x

[Confused91]

Thanks for your reply Geoff.

He used the money to purchase things that made him feel happy (tools, games ect) but realised that these things would only give him short term happiness. 

I myself have a good support network of friends and family that are always willing to listed and talk to me about it. 

He has a referral to a psychiatrist just waiting on a appointment time, he has said that he wants to get his medication sorted and I truely believe that he will put in 100% in order to get things sorted. 

What I am finding difficult is not knowing what to say or do, when I think we are finally getting somewhere something small will set him off and we are back to the start. 

Unfortunately his want to 'stay home from work and get better' isn't that easy, and he is upset with himself because of the money he went and spent over a period of time we don't have money to go without his wage and he knows that if he hadn't of spent it he could stay home to work through his mental health. (he had 2 weeks off sick at the start of this breakdown and has exhausted his sick leave. 

I suppose what I am looking for from this post (other than someone to talk to) is for some ideas of how I can help him through this rough time. 

I have suggested meditation and relaxations, which he trying but not getting any real benefit. 

[geoff]

dear Confused, thanks for getting back to us and explaining the situation.

I wonder whether he would like to read some information about depression where some people want to, while others could think of nothing worse.

It is common when you seem as though you may have achieved something along the way, but then bang something goes wrong and back you/him go backwards.

This is unavoidable I'm sorry to say, because to repair someone's mind is never easy, and they are very susceptible to the slightest point of anything positive happening, purely because nothing can stay positive, so then when it starts to turn the opposite way means to the person that 'all is not good', so down they fall.

He has to know this, and that small steps need to be taken in any recovery.

There will be days when he is so down with depression and then days where there will be some small light appearing, and people are different with how they are spoken to, some would like to be told 'you are doing great today', while others hate being told this which means that they then go back down to where they were.

It's a hard call, but with changing your approach in how you talk to him you will then know which suits him the better, both when depressed and when feeling a bit better.

There is no easy answer but if you can keep replying back to us, then it would give us a much better understanding with him.

There are many closed doors here that haven't been opened yet, which means theoretically we don't know what is behind each door until it's opened. L Geoff. x