Partner is on antidepressants, relationship going down hill

[Helpmypartner]

Hi guys, just looking to some advice/help or anyone in a similar situation.

my partner and I have been together for roughly 7 years. When we first started dating it was great (honey moon stage i guess) he has been on antidepressants for quite a few years. The last 3 or so years our relationship has slowly gotten worse. We have zero affection. Not even a kiss hello or goodbuy or a hug. Half the time we don’t sleep in the same bed as he snores. We haven’t had sex in probably 3 years. He has admitttd that his meds leave him with a low sex drive. He also suffers with anxiety and we never go out anywhere together. We have had a few big fights lately, and he has agreed to see a cognitive behavioural therapist to help him. He doesn’t like to talk to me about his feelings. I really love him and want to stay with him but I need help dealing with having a loveless relationship. How can I approach this to maybe re introduce some affection. He hardly likes to be touched. It’s really sad as I love him so much and it feels to me he is so emotionally numb from his antidepressants that he cannot show me any feelings. His psychiatrist also didn’t suggest he stop taking his meds or switch, but for him just to see a cbt. Any help or guidance would be appreciated

[smallwolf]

Hi Helpmypartner,

Welcome to beyond blue. In the reply below, I say a little about different things, so I hope that is OK for you. I am just providing a perspective on the situation as someone with depression. If anythings jump out and you want chat more about it, let me know. Here goes...

With the psychiatrist, and what happens in that space really depends on the conversation. All that I can say is that my psychiatrist will ask me how I think the medication is working or not, side effects etc and each time determine whether a change is necessary or not. Also keep in mind that I am also seeing a psychologist.

As you probably know, and this is my take on my situation, is the medication stops the lows from becoming too low, but it also deadens the happiness. That is the volume gets turned down on all moods.

His not wanting to open up to you maybe a result of

(a) not knowing what to say exactly or too much to say or

(b) doing it to protect you. I know this might sound silly, but some of the things that go around my mind I leave for the psychologist. These are just fleeting thoughts. But if he told you how worried would you get?

Now, rather than going out, how about getting staying in. If you have kids, send them to the neighbor. Get food delivered, lower the lights. Watch a movie afterwards?

And talk openly without letting it get into a fight. I can understand how one of the other person can get defensive and an argument occurring. But if you speak about the effect that it has on you, without putting it on him, you might get a different response.

There are resources on the beyond blue web site, but I think the first post in this thread says it all...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/need-advice-to-cope-with-depressed-partner

https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/dadvice-for-new-dads/supporting-your-partner-with-anxiety-or-depression

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

[Helpmypartner]

Thanks so much for your respons Tim.

we are back in a positive way at moment, things are ok. We watch movies and have dinner together all the time at home. Although a lot of the time he gets bored and just sits on his phone the whole time.we don’t have kids, just a fur baby.

i think your right he doesn’t want to talk to me about his feelings because he doesn’t want to burden me with it.

I suppose I just want to know how I can rekindle our romantic relationship, I can’t be his housemate. He tells me he does love me when I ask if he still does but other then that he shows me no affection or attention at all.

i don’t have the confidence to make a move (romantically) as I think I will get turned down.

Thanks again 🙂

[smallwolf]

Hi,

As we get older our priorities change and other things can get in the way. And when you are my age (late 40s) you might start to think about whether you have succeeded or failed in whatever you have done in your life. But...

What is his favourite film?

There was a period of time when there was only one album I could listen to. Otherwise I would start playing some other album and would switch 1/2 through the first song. It does not really matter what the other album was that I played. Now, would the album that I could listen to be my favourite? Probably yes. Perhaps, visually, find the movie that he can watch from start to finish?

I remember when my wife and I (dating) would talk for hours over the phone. Perhaps, rather than watching a movie, throw the phones away and just talk. I was going to give you some suggested topics, but you can work that part out.

Lastly, remind him that 'we' are a team. That what hurts him, also hurts you. That by telling you would not be a burden but an opening to find a solution. This would also apply to the "romantic relationship" part. If you can get to the why of the problem, you can then work out a way forward.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

PS. Not that I need to say this, but you are not alone in your problems here. I struggle to open up to my wife. But she is the one that is generally on the phone. I also would like to the able to show affection/attention to my wife, but there is that chance of being turned down. But I do know this, if something is serious enough we can talk about it. Sometimes awkwardly but we get there. So will you.