Out of the Loop

[Glenwood]

My wife has experienced periodic anxiety for many years now. Until recently, we hadn't identified it as such. Episodes include her lashing out at me verbally and family around her. I feel attacked and abused personally and resent her attacks. We have had conversations and she doesn't realise how aggressive she becomes during these events. She has said she is open for me to confront her in these times but I don't feel equipped in how best to do this in the heat of battle. Often, I attack back and we both withdraw from each other until tensions are eased. Sometimes this is days. In the past we have come together and broken the silence by talking things out but the cycle repeats and I feel hopeless to change the pattern.

She is on medication and is presently getting counseling but I don't know what is happening with the sessions. I feel out of the loop and unsupported myself.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for writing in. Your post will help others in similar situations.

One of the comments my psychiatrist said to my wife was telling, he said "your challenge is to decide whether Tony's behaviour is mental illness based (bipolar) or personality.

In your case of all the examples of anxiety I've read on this forum and my own period of anxiety I had 32 years ago (at its peak) I havent come across such explosive anger. This leads my to suspect (I'm not a professional) that anger management and other approaches to the problem could be beneficial.

You both also need to break the deadlock of silence post arguement. To do this isnt easy but my wife and I developed a system that really does work. Read it here-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-...

also some tips on overcoming anxiety

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it#qpS1gXHz...

If you both commit to that system it will work.

Being a carer isnt easy. You might need some relaxation exercises and other steps to improve you coping.

I hope that helps. Repost anytime

TonyWK

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Glenwood,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for joining us. I'm really glad that you're here and getting some support - for you-. So important.

While she is getting counselling for herself, is that something that you've thought about for yourself? While I know that you don't struggle with the same issues, I know in my experience it's been so helpful just to be able to have a space to talk to someone non-judgementally about whatever is on your mind. A relationship counsellor can also be helpful in having both of you come together.

In terms of suggestions, I think the main one that comes to mind is thinking about what you say when you confront your wife so that you're not going into battle.

A really simple way (not easy!) is to use I statements, like I feel - I think - I am. That way you get to 'confront her' but you're totally avoiding going on the attack side.

It's also okay to take some time out before confronting, whether that means calling the behaviour out and walking away, or even just to a different room so you can both cool off for a little bit. I feel like intentionally cooling off and 'pausing' might help so that it doesn't have to become days of withdrawal.

Hopefully this gives you something to think about.

Do take care of yourself,

rt

[815]

Hi Glenwood,

Welcome to the forums. And good on you for taking the first step in seeking some support for yourself.

I have been in a similar situation to you with my husband, where he has blamed me for his depression and lashed out at me also. It is hurtful, and hard not to take personally. Over time, as I understand more about depression, I realise that sometimes, although it is hard to accept, the anger and the lashing out is a symptom of his depression.

In any case, I have felt 'out of the loop' as well. Especially in the beginning. When I'd ask about medication, GP visits, psychologist sessions, I was told 'what do you care?' And so I knew very little of what was going on.

I also felt (and if I'm honest, still do sometimes) unsupported. And through advice from people on this forum, I went to go and talk to my GP, and now speak to a psychologist myself. My husband and I are also seeing a relationship counsellor together. I also have the support of a few trusted family members and close friends. And without it, I don't think I would have been able to stick around to support my husband and my children.

I think a lot of what romantic_thi3f has written is so relevant and helpful. Seek support for yourself. It is so important. But also, as romantic_thi3f says, think about the words you use when speaking to your wife about the issues you both have. After some time, I realise how important this is, because words can sometimes be miscommunicated, or misunderstood.

All of what I have learned and am still learning has come with time, and many falls along the way. So I hope this helps a little, to get you started.

[Glenwood]

Thanks to you all. The idea that it's ok to pause and come back with a cuppa is so practical. I will share this with my wife and we will establish this practice.

Your suggestions including the actions to take and words to say are what I find really beneficial. As I read Tonys' linked post, I was able to use the list of what relaxes him and compare to what my wife finds relaxing. Many are the same but I could substitute many of the specifics like music for reading for her. I can encourage her in these activities. Changing environment and careers are issues we will also consider.

Replacing my former unhelpful reactions with these new ideas (I have never heard of a relationship counsellor) and practices will be my goal. Thanks again.

[815]

Hi Glenwood,

I'm glad you have found some support here. Hope it all goes well.