Out of control

[0603Help]

My son is 21 and suffers from Bipolar and addiction issues. We don’t know what else to do. He won’t take his medication and spends all his money on drugs and alcohol. He steals from us then takes off and returns once the money runs out. We eventually take him back in and he continues this cycle. He has no where to go his friends have abandoned him and he doesn’t work. He was an intelligent young man but now just sits and watches TV drinks and takes drugs. He won’t help out. We have tried being hard being supportive being soft he won’t obey boundaries he walks out of rehab when the going gets tough as a family we need assistance as we feel like we are on a treadmill and can’t can’t see away out. All our lives are on hold.

[james1]

Hello 0603Help,

I'm sorry to hear about how things are going with your son. It sounds like you're doing the best you can and he's just not taking up your helping hand to get his life back on track.

I think others with more experience with kids might be able to provide better advice than me, but it sounds like your family is reaching that critical point where it is no longer sustainable to keep him at your place and taking your money. As a 21 year old, he is still responsible for his own actions. And just as he is your son, you are is parent, not his life-provider.

There are many issues at the moment for your son between his medication, his addictions, his stealing, his lack of friendships etc. But there's a lot of issues for you as well.

It's hard to start when there are so many things that need to be fixed, so it's important to take things step by step. First of all, what medical/emotional help have you or he sought from within or outside the family to help him get his life back on track? You mentioned rehab?

James

[white knight]

Hi Help, welcome

I have bipolar, depression etc. I'm 61yo. At 17yo I joined the RAAF not knowing me and my two siblings had bipolar also and frankly, once I got access to alcohol, cigs etc I went off the rails. No one, even my mature much older mates could help me. It was a slow maturing thing as my emotional maturity was well younger than my years. A bit like at 18 being emotionally 13, 25 being 16, 35 being 21 yet when I hit 55yo I was likely 55yo, I caught up. This situation might be the same for your son. That means a long drawn out saga that wont change overnight.

Firstly, as caring parents please accept that you are doing all you can do, suffice that there could be ideas others have and you even seek those. So pat yourself on the back that you are trying. He has to be treated like the 12yo or 15yo he is acting like. No means no. He must get some income to be able to purchase drinks and drugs. Lock your money up. Treat that side of him appropriately. Allow him to try to squeeze money from you...no means no. Allow him to try and steal...have your stuff locked away. etc. You are being a very good parent by even stricter boundaries.

As someone with bipolar I understand the complexities of such an illness. Communication with people is hard and with that illness comes sensitivity and defiance. But the feeling is also one of desperation. Stability is hard to come by, think- nice home, no debt, nice car, great partner...I've got all those things but the bipolar is as present as ever. So the perfect home you provide has little positive impact on your son, your kindness and generosity the same. No point really trying to make him feel your efforts, it wont sink in.

I don't have all the answers except to be firmer and if he threatens to leave let him go. If you have an open door if he decides to return then that's what a great parent can do. Then one day he'll get tired of the same old struggle, street life, drug world and one of two things can happen...he might return and change his life/outlook, get a job, be "normal" or he could end up incarcerated. If the latter occurs and it could, again he'll come to a "Y" choice- remain in the illegal world or turn a new leaf. At this point I'd prepare myself fully for any scenario.

And keep trying to get him to the doctors as much as you can. But mentally release yourself from responsibility because it is very obvious you are both amazing parents.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Help, welcome to the site and I'm sorry that your son has BP as well as an addiction to drugs and money, and by leaving rehab early could have many reasons why, whether it's too tough or he has some other reason is important for him.


You have to hide and/or lock away any money, available alcohol so that none can be seen, hide any credit cards and continually change your pin numbers.

Change hiding spots every day and if you need to put a limit on the card then do so.

I know that makes it difficult for you but can you leave some money with a trusted friend/s and I would be speaking to your doctor saying that he leaves when he wants to, there maybe somewhere that he can't get out of. Geoff.