Our home and family seem to be falling apart

[Parental Unit]

My husband of 20 years just drove away because “he needed to go out”. I have no idea if or when he will be back. I am so worried about him... how we got here is a long story but one told on this forum too often I suspect. I believe he has depression, which comes in severe attacks and has done all through our marriage. This one was brought on by a confrontation with our 12 year old youngest daughter who also seems to be struggling with mental health issues, where she seems to completely change personality in an instant and become aggressive, sneaky violent and hurtful. My husband became very angry with her after I had said I was at my wits end and needed help with her. She had trashed our living room in a rage. He grabbed her and smacked her and was being more aggressive than I had ever seen him (he is never violent). I had to tell him to stop and leave her. After this incident he descended into the depression again. I am sure he feels terrible for losing his temper with her. He is also withdrawing from our other children (we have 4 altogether) and myself. The kids are all keeping their distance, staying in their rooms and getting more and more into their electronic pastimes. I know this irritates him. He is a religious person and is upset that the children do not believe in the way he wants them to.

His depression is usually brought about by feeling disrespected by the children or useless as a person. He refuses to seek help - I have asked him to many times over the years. I want to seek help for our 12 year old and he doesn’t want that either. He thinks it is her behaviour and she can just stop. He should understand that she can’t. I have made an appointment for her anyway, and will take her myself. I know I can’t force him to accept help, but I would love some ideas as to how to help our family, which seems to be falling apart. Everything is so tense, no one speaks, we don’t do anything together apart from go to church. And that is only because no one wants to upset my husband by not going. We all have issues socialising and are a household of introverts. Talking to each other about important issues is very difficult if not impossible and usually descends into accusations of ‘judging’.

i am worried about my husband and want to help him.

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Parental Unit,

I just want to say straight up that I think it's awesome that you have taken the initiative to get help for your daughter. I think that's a very wise move.

I also want to say that perhaps that positive step may (hopefully?) 'rub off' on your husband? In that, even though when you "lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink" but you can show the horse that the water it is drinking is a bit foul, and the water in the paddock over yonder is better and fresher and the other horses are playing and interacting with each other more happily with each other ..... get my drift?

What I mean is this: you may notice/have gotten the hint by my username that I am a sober person, and have been for 22 years now. But before I got sober, my older sister got sober, and she had been the black sheep of the family for a long time. And I had thought that when she got sober and more responsible, that the 'black sheep' focus would go away ....... but it did not. All that happened was the I was the one who became the black sheep. And I went from thinking she was a 'sober freak/weirdo' to someone I wanted to be like. I wanted what she had.

So maybe, just maybe, that help that your daughter gets will rub off on your husband and he too will get help. Sometimes the best, most powerful way to help someone, is to SHOW and DO, rather than tell. If you do believe in the power of prayer, then do that! And if not, then I am happy to do it for you, if that's okay?

I don't know if that helps at all, but please know that you are certainly not alone in this. Help and hope are always available. Well done on reaching out on here.

Take care. xo

[Parental Unit]

Thanks Soberlicious96, that is something to give me some hope. Hubby came home and apologised so that is good too. Your prayers are very welcome! Hopefully we will start out on a new, happier path soon.

[therising]

Hi Parental Unit

I feel for you so much whilst you try so hard to hold the family together, with mental health challenges thrown into the mix.

Good to hear you intend to seek help for your daughter. 12 is definitely a tough and confusing age, especially when it comes to establishing an identity independent of our parents, on top of dealing with the pressures of school (especially when faced with the transition from primary to secondary).

Keeping in mind the saying 'Any behaviour is a form of communication', this can help in making some sense of things - your daughter's behaviour, the behaviour of your other kids and the behaviour of your husband. Trying to figure out what everyone's communicating is the tough part. By the way, I imagine you can recall those days when your kids were babies and you wished you could understand what their cries were about. I think, as mums, we spend much of our life trying to identify with the sometimes subtle unspoken communications of our children. When it comes to depression, the communication aspect can get pretty complicated for all involved. The anger, the sense of disconnection, the sadness and the rest can all be pretty tough to interpret at times if we're not sure how to 'speak the language' (understand the brain state).

With a tendency to define our self based on our behaviour and thoughts, rather than the behaviour/state of our brain, depression is sadly something that is taken so personally for the sufferer. Having been both inside and now outside of depression, I can tell you the difference in brain state is incredible and intense. It's a shame your husband won't give thought to counsel, whether it be with a mental health professional or through religious counsel. Perhaps a little investigation into mental health care/support for men might be the way to go. It might be easier for your husband to begin addressing depression in this way. From army sergeants to young boys, it's important he comes to see that this condition does not discriminate when it comes to gender, age, race etc. Perhaps you could do some of the research to start things off. I can imagine everyone in the house, including your husband, wants the depression managed effectively. Perhaps mentioning to your husband the idea of something good coming out of the altercation between him and his daughter may begin a conversation in addressing the need for attention and management.

Take care of your self too Parental Unit. You are undeniably valuable!

[Saroseme]

Hi Parental Unit,

I was reading through this, and it reminded me a lot of my dad and my younger brother, I’m 12 (getting closer to 13!) myself, and will have to agree that at our sort of age, it is really hard for some people as there’s a lot of friendship issues, trasitioning from Primary to High School and a lot of other issues (all the fun stuff at our age), which in turn, does affect some children in some ways, and others can handle it. Which, talking to her about what’s bothering her may be an idea, I know for a fact, kids my age, really do bottle things up, which, it’s not because it’s hard to trust your parents, some just don’t notice anything is up. She seems to need help, whether it’s a behavioural thing, or not, just taking to someone will help.

I have a younger brother - recently 7, and growing up with bad students, always had some issues, this year everything seemed to dramatically increase, he smashed his tablet screen, while my mum was busy, and I was at a band rehearsal. A small remark ends in trouble, but normally my other brother and I are too afraid to confront him, and my parents seem to not care enough to actually see someone, or something along that line to calm him, that saying, it’s normally video games that anger him, and he seems like a different person sometimes, helping out, being friendly. But it really depends on the child and I praise you for seeking help for your daughter.

As far as your husband goes, I am glad that he actually came back, he does seem like he needs help, but that seems like a hard thing in your case, as he doesn’t believe he needs it, try working things out slowly, easing into things may help out.

My father in particular is quite an odd person, and it’s sometimes hard to understand his intentions, I do believe something’s up, but asking my parents just doesn’t seem like a good idea, he does do similar things, react harshly to small things, or big things, I guess it’s letting them know it’s not ok that puts things right, and I get sometimes being disrespected by your children is hard, but normally they don’t have bad intentions, nor do they mean of any they say, which is where I guess some people feel threatened.

As for the socialising, again, try things slow, maybe plan a day out, or something small like that? Find something that interests all your kids, while also keeping you and your husband happy, small things like that really do help break the ice in those situations.

Best wishes,

Sam

[Parental Unit]

Wow Sam, thanks for your reply! It is great to hear things from the kids perspective - you certainly seem very mature and thoughtful. Your family are lucky to have such a caring member!

[George81]

Hi Parental Unit, I'm in my 40s, married with 2 children aged 15 & 12. The eldest a girl and youngest a boy. As a man yes it can be difficult. My advice to your husband is take up daily activities like meditation, yoga, a hobby that he enjoys and helps him build friendships. These things help me control any anger issues (I'm not perfect though) and relate better with my wife and children. My son has behavioural issues similar to your daughter and we are trying to manage that seperately. He tries to confront me constantly and I turn it into an opportunity to practice boxing or martial arts moves. This de-escalates the situation. Secondly you mentioned your husband and family are religious. To some degree so are mine so far as we were raised to believe certain things. I am not dogmatic though about being the ruler of my family if I may put it that way. I would love more respect at certain times but children are just that, children. They speak like children. I'm sure I did the same to my parents. I accept that my children are growing up and external pressures will always be present. My wife and I have an open door policy and our children can discuss anything with us. We make sure they understand this. We have also discussed certain things to avoid, things to be wary of and that they can speak to school counsellors if they feel better talking to someone independant. I think I've covered what I hope may be useful. If you could let your husband know that I can at least empathise with him maybe that may help a little. Kind regards George. Oh, by the way, sometimes leaving for 30 minutes to compose oneself is a sign of maturity I think.

[Parental Unit]

Well, here I am 2 years later - daughter is doing better, thank goodness! Husband though is worse if anything. He has an issue around Church as the kids don’t want to go. 2 of the kids will still go, but he never gives them any feedback or sign that he appreciates their presence. Sometimes he will go without them, and twice now he’s gone without me, just walked out on me. Every weekend he shuts himself in the study, or sleeps, or disappears in the car for hours. The tension in the house is terrible. He doesn’t talk to us and the kids are anxious about his welfare. Our whole house spends the weekend in a fog of gloom, wondering when he will re-appear. During the week he goes to work early, comes home late, eats with us and disappears back to his study. He still denies he has any issue and insists he’s “fine”. He will not engage with any family decisions nor give an opinion. I know his self esteem is low - last week my daughter tried to talk to him and he told her he feels like a failure, something he has said many times in the past. I have tried to point out he positive things he does but it doesn’t help. I am essentially a single parent. I am worried for our kids and very sad for the happy family life that seems to be a distant memory.

[quirkywords]

Parental unit

Thanks so much for your returning to your thread with an update.
While I am glad your daughter is getting better I am sad things have not improved with your husband. It is so hard when someone won’t see they may need help.

I worry about your health and feel you need support. If your husband will not seek help you can at least look after yourself and your children and practise self care. is there any one in your husbands family who he trusts and can see how he is.

Do the people at work only see the hardworking friendly side to him?

I know it is difficult when people have no idea what you have to deal with .

Take care