Not sure if I can keep caring - I'm tired of being the rock.

[Frangipani2]

My husband suffers from depression and is a functioning alcoholic.  We have been together for 20 years, married for 15 years.  He apparently is amazing at work but I am stuck with this guy who is always tired, asleep, drunk, snappy.  He has slept in the spare bedroom now for 5 years because he doesn't sleep well and snores.  He makes no effort for our little family but would argue he does. And no effort to maintain any sexual or affection towards me.  Our 9 year son is now aware and if he tries telling his father he needs help. I am the one that gets into trouble.  

I work, study and a carer for our son who has special needs.  All the while he just sits and drinks every night.  I have been calm, supportive, loving and a good wife.  I would give anything to have the guy I fell in love with in some form back.

 It makes me sad when I read the forums in the mens groups.  They all hate their exwives but I don't know, if people with depression realise we do everything and give so much. It's like living a lonely life on eggshells.  I am the one who keeps the family calm, happy, cook, cleans, shops and takes care of everything etc and have no time to look after and care for myself.   "He's tried everything" is all I keep hearing from him.  He just won't go and get help, I have taken him to the Drs initially.  Made phone calls to help groups but always promises but nothing.   I feel like he just doesn't care enough about us.   And I am just at the stage now.  Why should I keep caring too.

I've read all the books to help him and be a good support.  I have been to AA family groups and supportive depression family support groups but I can't help him.  I went to therapy myself for 2 years because I really thought I wasn't doing enough for him and I thought his depression was my fault. Friends and family know about his depression and drinking but no one offers support.  If they do they say "I should just leave"

I just wish there was someone who would give me the same love and care back.  

I feel burnt out but still care about my husband if that makes any sense.

Frangipani 

[white knight]

Hi F, welcome here

I was going to say- a CPAP machine helps with the snoring. Then I read on and can see how desperate you are.

Unfortunately there are still some men around that seek their ideal lifestyle whereby they have children, and his wife picks up the chores of shopping and all the rest, while he drinks away. I'm a 59yo male and never felt the drive to drink like that.

It leaves me suggesting that it's all for you to decide what you are going to do. Your friends say "just leave him" and after all your efforts I would to, but its your decision. Because it is a tough decision it has led you here and I can understand that.

But at the end of the day......you still have to make it.....alone.

Good luck and we are here to listen.

Tony  WK

[kelcan]

Frangipani2, I don't have any answers for you but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings.

My husband has sought help in the past but after trying medication, therapy, exercise, herbal remedies, alternative therapy all without getting any long term relief, has slipped back down into the depths of his depression. It is so hard to be the glue trying to hold everything together.

Your analogy of living a lonely life on eggshells rang true to me as well. It is exhausting having to be strong and in control all the time. Most days I just want to shake him and scream, I feel so helpless torn between wanting to push him to do something (anything!) but not wanting to push him over the edge.

I wish you and your family all the best.

[HopeyH]

Hi. It's my first time on the forum and your words stood out to me immediately. My partner of 10 years has anxiety and I have walked on eggshells for many many years now. Mixed with this is a drinking problem that he chooses to minimise- he can't see that this plays a big role in how he feels, thinks and copes with day to day life. We have 3 young chn and I feel like I am playing super woman to try and counter his 'bad day'.

Thankfully I keep myself very busy with hobbies, friends and family but I cannot agree more that being the rock, being the strong one, is extremely tiring. Picking up the pieces is all well and good and something I beleive I can do- but it's so frustrating that there is such a sense of selfishness and stubbornness in his behalf. 

 This past week he has been bedridden and scattery for 4 days- unable to work and be the husband & father to his children that he needs to be, yet today when he feels better, he's back drinking again. ( it wasn't heavy drinking, only a few beers he told me....) I've tried to point out calmly how his episodes effect me as well and the worry and concern I have and how it frustrates that the minute he feels half ok, he's back drinking but he doesn't listen. He gets so defensive and exaggerates everything I say. 

ive asked him to put himself in my position but it's all about him. I know he's sick and I want to help him to overcome this, I just wish he saw clearly enough to realise it. 

 I really feel for you and the position you're in. It's tough when you love someone- you want so much to help them and for them to get better yet all they do is hurt you and push uou away...

[White_Rose]

Dear Frangipani, Kelcan and Hopey

Welcome, all of you, to Beyond Blue. It appears you all have similar stories and can help and support each other.

Beyond does not have literature on alcoholism as far as I know but there will be other web sites.

Carers Australia is a not-for-profit organisation dedicated to improving the lives of carers through important services like carer counselling, advice, advocacy, education and training.

Mental Health Carers ARAFMI Australia (MHCAA) provide specialist mental health support to families, carers and their friends. Support includes: linking people to other carers who can offer face-to-face peer support, education services with other carers, and advocacy services which help carers to identify and find solutions to their challenges.

Carer Advisory and Counselling Service provide family carer support and counselling.

Contact your state or territory branch of Carers Association on 1800 242 636

I have copied the above information from another post. This information was posted by the forum moderator. It did have the web site addresses but these have disappeared in transit. I'm sure you can find the addresses. They may offer some assistance.

Ladies, I want to tell you that until your partners want to get well they will continue their current lifestyle. And sad though it is, the more you help and support them, the longer it will take for this to happen. There is a huge difference between caring for someone who has an illness which will end in a short time, and being the person that supports your partner in continuing their selfish lifestyle.

No matter how much you love them and want to help them, they will not change until they come to the realisation they must. And the sad truth is that many never reach this point.

To give an example. I have been struggling with depression for several years. I am a work in progress. But that's the point, I am in progress. I started by saying it's not my fault, someone "ought" to cure me, it's not fair. These are natural reactions to a dreadful problem but it did not get me well. Much like an alcoholic, I had to accept my illness and start working on getting better myself. Yes I have heaps of help. Yes I have dreadful days when I just want to deny everything and run away. But no one can do it for me.

Ladies you need to consider your options both for you and your children. It's a sad fact that children often follow the example of one or both parents. I hope all of you continue to write in.

Mary

[MrsTiredMum]

Thank you for your post. I'm always interested to hear from people in similar situations. So many posts are from people bewildered in the first few months. But what about those of us who are years into it?

My husband has been unwell for three and a half years. He takes his medicine, sees his psychologist, and tries to keep active. He spends his energy  outside the home on keeping up appearances at work and with his parents, and doesn't have much left for me or the kids. In private, he ranges from short term involvement (2 hours Max) to retreat to full blown tantrums and sulking when things don't suit him. At his worst, he's a real jerk. At his best, he's almost the man I married. 

I'm tired, and tired of him, but I feel a lot of pressure to remember it's his illness talking and not him. But his illness sure makes for a poor houseguest.

How long do we put the pressure on ourselves to tolerate this sort of thing? When do we take our friends advice and "just leave"? Didn't I promise him "in sickness and in health"? But at the same time, life is short and I think i deserve a loving home. 

Sorry - no answers. But lots of sympathy. 

[White_Rose]

Hello Mrs TM

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. I think it is helpful to everyone to share your stories and perhaps get some help or tips from each other.

It grieves to read of families in such trouble and I hope the responses you receive on BB are helpful.

I think there is a world of difference between a long-term or permanent illness where the person concerned can do little to get well again. Things like paraplegia, epilepsy etc cannot be repaired by willpower. It seems your husband is making an effort, but I wonder how much. At the risk of sounding unkind, I wonder if he enjoys to a large extent the situation he is in.

Continuing to go to work is good as it makes him focus on other things. But keeping up appearances to other people just takes energy away from getting well. I have said to quite a few people just lately, the only way anyone will get well is when they admit they are ill and decide to get well.

It's very easy to fool yourself into thinking that because you take medication and see a specialist (psych in this case) that you are doing everything possible. It's not necessarily true. Pride wants to say there is nothing wrong but this is carried out at the expense of your family. He has no energy left to practice getting well and treating his family as well as possible.

I know, I've been there. Quite possibly your husband does not realise this. Perhaps it's worth discussing with him. His psych will have no idea what he is like at home because he is not there. We often do not see ourselves as others do. So maybe you need to tell him how you feel.

I have written along similar lines to Frangipani so perhaps you can read my reply to her. If you would like to continue a discussion perhaps you could start your own thread so that posts do not get muddled up.

Mary

[HopeyH]

Hi Mrs TiredMum

 your words sound very familiar to the internal dialogue I have with myself most days.. how long to I put up with this for? I know he's sick, maybe I'm not doing enough to support him... I'll give him the benefit of the doubt... He's unwell and he says the drink makes him feel better so I'll let it go ( again) ...

grrr, I make myself so mad for not being strong enough to make the decision.  I know what the decision is, I know what I need to do for the sake of myself and our three children, but something stops me from walking away. 

 im so tired of being unhappy. I care for someone who is sick and I understand that it's not meant to be easy, but I don't feel loved or cared for. He shows me no appreciation or affection and his selfishness frustrates me no end. I expend so much emotional energy on dealing with my husband and its dawned on me through having counselling myself that I'd be much happier if it wasn't for him.  I know that must sound terrible but it's true.  My psych knows more about him than me because he's all I talk about. How his actions affect me, how his moods or problems have hurt me, how his drinking has impacted my life and that of our family.  ITS ALL ABOUT HIM!!!!!!! Always!!! 

 i beleive deep down that he will never change. Firstly, he won't ever stop drinking.  His friends have no idea about his illness and if they do, he certainly hasn't told them himself. He wants to hide his problems instead of fixing them so I think he's only half hearted about trying to bet better. 

Generally I'm a really happy, easy going person and Im slowly seeing this change. He's slowly destroying the soul of who i really am and although I love him dearly, I just don't know how much longer I can let this happen 

sorry for the huge vent- my frustration is at an all time high and I'm really torn as to what to do 

[HeartbrokenWife]

Hi frangipani,

what you have said sounds exactly like my husband. I too am getting to the point of confusion over whether to stay or have a break for my own sanity. My husband doesn't drink at home but goes out with work people and acquaintances 4-5 nights a week drinking and doing drugs until 5-7am... Without letting me know or showing any remorse. I am stuck at home raising our newborn and toddler with very little sleep and basically no help a and have been an emotional wreck for months.... 

I want to support him knowing he is clearly quite sick, but is staying and continuing to do everything whilst he shows no responsibility or regard for our young family just enabling him to continue to refuse help?

its just so hard to know isn't it??

heartbrokenwife.

[geoff]

dear Frangipani and all those who have joined this conversation and are suffering from the same or very similar problems, I'm sorry that I have missed this discussion because I was that particular husband who consumed alcohol when I was depressed.

I often say on this forum that my wife divorced me, I accept this, and it was not what I ever wanted, and never ever believed that my marriage would end this way, as it has never happened in any of my family for as far back as I can remember, nor has anyone been in the same position as I was with being depressed.

I can't and don't blame her for doing what she did, because my depression and drinking were the two main motives for her having to do this.

I am deeply sorry that I caused all of this, but 'Elvis has left the building'.

This is a post I should have replied to when it first started, because I have a moral obligation as I can't run away from discussing this issue.

Now I only drink socially for many reasons I have mentioned before, but will repeat them again.

I hope that you can ask any questions back to me, and please don't worry what you ask, I have a think skin, and the reply might not be today but I will. L Geoff. x