Thanks so much for your response Geoff.
I think I do need some kind of support, but don't know where to go next, so have reached out here. My partner just had an abusive Bipolar episode with me as his target. I had a panic attack in the middle of it, but he was unable to help me and the episode continued to spiral out of control. He has gone now, for the moment at least, staying with friends who support him.
He is a high functioning rapid cycler, tending to have aggressive episodes around every fortnight. Some milder than others, but after years of being his punching bag, I'm on a hair trigger with my panic responses at the slightest indication of aggression. Having multiple health issues that are significantly affected by stress doesn't help much.
My main problem is that I have no one for support in a crisis. I live in a small country town, where the waiting list for counselling can take up to six weeks. By then the crisis is over...and I seem to always end up with someone who disapproves of my unwillingness to end the relationship, so the help is not that positive for me.
I don't have family to turn to and I tend not to tell friends about his illness as I don't feel comfortable with revealing his personal information. I believe it's up to him to decide who knows. I also don't want to burden my few friends with all my problems either. We're not really at that level of closeness.
I'm in my 60's and due to my health issues I'm reliant on my partner physically and financially to a certain level, so this makes things very difficult as I have no one else to call on for help. No one asks if I'm okay after an abusive episode, but they give him lots of support and help, and he has his medical team on board whenever he needs them. I'm kind of left for dead to try to pull myself through alone.
People tend to thinks he's a lovely person and it often feels like others blame me for his abusive episodes. But they just come out of the blue and I spend my life walking on eggshells around him, never knowing what might trigger him. It's often nothing to do with me, I'm just the target, or it's regular relationship / life stressors that set him off.
He's a very kind, loving and generous person when stable.
Sorry for the long post... and thanks again for your response.
Echo18
