NEWBIE - How can I support my best friend with depression from a distance????

[BoffyDom]

Hi. This is the first time I have ever written in a forum. So I hope this is ok?

My best friend who lives in another State is suffering from depression and anxiety. Last year in June she started getting anxiety attacks and depression. She said that she has spent all her life giving to others but has nothing else left for her. She is totally burnt out. As an nurse for 30 years and now health care worker dealing with abused children, her work is very emotionally and mentally draining. A severe case of Compassion fatigue. She has overcome having a stroke in the last five years. Just as she got over that her husband was diagnosed with bone cancer. Last week the cancer came back after being in remission.

My question is as we live in different States how can I support her? We used to talk everyday. Either texts, calls or messenger, however during the past year communication has been very spasmodic from her end. I have been sending her supportive texts, and for every week for the past year I have sent her cards of support and encouragement. I told her there was no pressure to respond. I have asked if I can call her but she tells me she isn't up to talking.

Since her husbands latest diagnosis last week she has completely shut down. She asked for space which I am currently giving her. I understand that she needs to process this recent information regarding her husband. But I now feel like I have abandoned her? How can I give her the space she has asked for but still support her. I am finding being separated by so much distance is hard as I can't just give her a hug or sit quietly and hold her hand, just BE WITH her and let her know she is not alone. That I am here.

I would love to hear how other people support friends or family with depression/anxiety when they live a long distance away. I would appreciate any advice as I am so concerned about her. All I do is think about her and ways I can help her. We were so close. She is my best friend...But now we are like strangers

Thanks

[Puppies]

Hi BoffyDom,

Your situation seems quite busy and troubling!

In answer to your question about giving space, I am in a similar situation whereby my boyfriend of 3 years lives 3 hours away. It is very difficult to feel as though your are helpful or supportive unless they let you know. I'm also in the process of giving him space but often feel as though I'm a burden or that he doesn't love me because he doesn't want to be around me.

I think that your friend will appreciate the space you are giving her, and in time she will come to you.

However, my boyfriend often doesn't end up coming to me first, but that may just be because I don't give him enough time. I'm quite the opposite to him in that aspect as I never feel the need to be away from him and I want to spend my time with him.

I don't feel that my reply has helped you as were hoping but sometimes it is nice to have someone who has read your situation and shared whatever experience they have had, which you can then interpret as you wish.

puppies x

[BoffyDom]

Thanks Puppies for your reply.

That is one of the hard things is that she says she is unable to tell me what she needs. She has trouble communicating her thoughts and feelings at present. So I am here thousands of Kms away trying to support her when I am unsure what she is actually thinking or feeling. She was always so good at articulating her thoughts and feelings.

I will be honest I have no idea what she is going through at present as she can't say it and I can't see her or hear her. It is not because I don't care or not interested , nothing could be further from the truth!!!

When I have googled how to support a friend they say, to listen etc , even things like just sit with them or go for a walk but I can't when I live so far away and she won't talk.

I am just confused and scared for her

[Puppies]

Hi BoffyDom,

thats exactly right! My partner says he doesn't know what he feels or what he wants sometimes, which makes it so so difficult.

Have you tried telling her that you are concerned/scared for her? I'm currently trying to tell my partner that I'm here but my messages are being ignored. I'm 3 hours away so there's not much else I can do. I said I'd give him 3 days to himself and then see where we're at so I can go see him after 2 weeks apart!

Is it possible for you to go and see her? Making that trip may be good for both of you so you can chat about what you both expect from that friendship

puppies x

[BoffyDom]

I am in NSW she is in SA. I have told her that I would fly there even to just have a cuppa and to give her a hug but she said no. I thought of surprising her but I am concerned that this would not go down well and it would only add to her anxiety.

She has a lot going on with her husbands cancer returning trying to get him into treatment programs so I don't want to add to her stress.

I have told her that I am concerned, but I am trying to keep things positive and supportive whenever I have contacted her so I TRY not to express my feelings and concerns as this would be an added worry for her to process and deal with

[Puppies]

Yeah I understand that. It's a difficult decision to make. I ant to surprise my partner with a visit but he may not even want to see me, which may make things worse.

From my experience I think it's important to let the other person know how you're feeling. At the moment I'm doing that and I'm being ignored, but when I see him I know that he is concerned for how it makes me feel.

Its a difficult situation though, and I understand how hard it is from a distance .

Have you asked her what she's after right now? Support/space/time alone/time with someone?

Puppies

[BoffyDom]

I am in NSW she is in SA.

I have told her that I would fly to her if only to give her a hug and share a cuppa but she said no. I have thought about surprising her but am concerned that it would only add to her anxiety. With her husbands recent cancer return I understand that things are hectic as they are sorting out treatment programs etc. I think my surprise visit would only add to her current stressors

I have told her of my concerns but have been trying to keep any communication I have positive, supportive and encouraging. I TRY very hard not tell her my feelings and concerns as this would just be another stessor for her. She isn't dealing with her feelings let alone mine

[BoffyDom]

I haven't asked her recently. When I asked her before she told me that she didn't know. And that it was putting pressure on her so I haven't asked since. I am just confused what to do. I don't want to do or say the wrong thing. Sometimes I feel like I am walking on eggshells trying not to do or say the wrong thing that will cause more anxiety or more stress.

[Puppies]

Hi BoffyDom,

i completely understand . I often feel like I may say the wrong thing which may cause more anxiety. It's quite a difficult situation but I feel that the main role we play as 'supporter' is to just let them know we're here for them. They will come around when it suits them. My partner recently told me I could go visit him so I will be doing that tomorrow. It took over a week but he will hopefully give me the rest of an explanation as to why he had been ignoring me.

its hard though, I've only been doing this for three years and it's no easier than it was to begin with .

please keep us updated on what has happened, and i wish the best for you. Your friend seems to be very lucky to have someone as selfless and caring as you

puppies x