New to this - learning how get him through

[norascat]

Hello

New to this forum. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months. We are very close and he was open from the beginning about his depression and anxiety battles in the past, but when I met him he was getting over the worst of it (after 2 pretty dark years from what I understand).

In the past few weeks he's become increasingly depressed and anxious. Not leaving the house hardly. Although on days when I'm with him, he has been almost fine - but that has deteriorated by now too. 

There are days he's better, but he's been mainly down. His energy levels are super low, and his sex drive is gone. I want to help, and not be patronising. 

He's on medication, and I think he's had therapy in the past, but not in the past 12 months. Perhaps he needs to up the meds again, as his dose was lowered a few months ago. 

I want to try and get him to exercise - as I know that could be a massive help. But again, I'm careful of not bing pushy or patronising - as he is fully aware that it would help.

I'm trying to learn as much as possible to support him through this. So any advice from others that have been with someone with depression or anxiety for a longer time than me, would be great.

I love him, and want to support him to get through this. At the same time, I know that i's never going to really go away.

thanks

N

[white knight]

Hi Norascat,  welcome to BB forum.

Thankyou for writing to try to assist your partner.

Firstly, medication can deplete sex drive. He would do himself a favour by a visit to his GP to address this. There are many medications on the market now that will suit him. I know this, have had the effect AND the remedy. This, if persued, could raise his self esteem.

Your last sentence is correct. It's likely life long and more to do with management rather than cure. I'm a good example of close to a cure....always however on my guard with relapse.

You already know not to be patronising and forceful.  Authorities know now that severe depression need to complete its cycle. Wait until he shows signs of picking up. Then implement some exciting activities. There isnt much you can do at the moment. It's more of a case of getting his medication and/or doses right so he doesnt fall down again so heavily.

I'm sure he is lucky to have you around.

[AGrace]

Hi norascat,

Welcome to the forums. 

It sounds like you've been having to walk on eggshells around your partner, and I hear this a lot from people caring for loved ones with a mental illness. 

The first thing I wanted to point out was Beyondblue's resources tab. There's a lot of useful information for carers, including some tips for having the conversation. 

Secondly, it's about having a balance between being gentle and assertive. See if you can pick a time when he's not extremely low, and has enough clarity to listen. Start with some positives. Remind him of your love for him, that you can see how much he's trying to cope, and how you want to be able to support him. Then comment on behaviours you have noticed. Ive noticed that some days it's a struggle for you to find motivation, sometimes you appear to be struggling to cope, since the change to medication doses your condition appears to have deteriorated. Then try a question like what can I be doing to help? What do you need in order to feel a bit more motivated? What do you think has been working for you so far? I'd then introduce some of your ideas. I'm wondering if it would be worthwhile seeing your Dr again to review your medication. I also think it's time to go back to your Psychologist because this seemed to help in the past. I'd be willing to go with you if you want some support. Should we make some appointments for you? 

If he doesn't want to seek any help, then I think setting some boundaries and communicating your needs and expectations. 

If he's happy to get support then remind him you are there for him. 

You might also like to join some of the other discussions under the family and friends section. 

Will you let us know your thoughts? 

AGrace

[norascat]

Thanks for getting back to me.

Last night I was a bit uncertain whether to go see him or not (it's 40 mins drive). 

He said he wasn't sure if space was the best thing or not. 

I went to see him. I think it helps me being around. But I had to leave again this morning. 

I've suggested it would be good to try and get an appointment with docs this week - but he's chosen to not respond to that so far. 

He's also meant to be doing some exercises from the physic for his back, so I'm trying to gently encourage him to do that too.

We have plans to camp this weekend with friends at a festival we have tickets to for months. Trying to not mention it and hoping I can get him to go on the day... I know he'll enjoy it once he's out, but getting out the house seems to be a big challenge at the moment.

I will look at the resources and join in other discussions too. 

Thanks for your advice. 

I guess all I can do is wait for now...And try to keep that balance of assertive but gentle. 

[geoff]

dear Norascat, it's never pleasant when one partner or spouse falls to depression, because we always wonder why it's happened, and so many times we don't know why, as there never seems be a reason, so we end up scratching our heads.

On many occasions we offer to help them by giving them advice or it could be suggestions, but they don't want this to begin with, but even though they may say no, it doesn't mean that they have discarded what you have said, but they have to brood over it and then finally say it themselves, mostly that's just how it happens.

Even when a male has no sex drive and what I mean by this is that he can't get an e*********** this certainly depletes his confidence, because there could be a time where having an intimate moment with you maybe on the cards, but if he is unable to full fill the duties required, this will deflate him even more, so there are some medications that will do this and as soon as he mentions this to his doctor the AD will be changed.

I hope that will go with you on the camp, but he will probably have to put on his mask, so there will be plenty of days that he will pretend to enjoy himself, and I don't mean this in any hurtful way for you and your friends, but there will be times where he will want to be alone and have his moment to himself, and if this happens then you have to let him do this, but not for whole day.

I also hope that he goes to see his doctor or psych, and just wondering whether he is taking vitamen D tablets, these won't instantly change him, but may help. L Geoff. x

[hellosunshine]

Hello white knight 🙂 

I'm really interested in what you said about severe depression needing to complete its cycle... Can you explain a little more? Although I suffered from depression myself in the past, I'm struggling to support my boyfriend at the moment and certainly trying to do what Norascat says in terms of being assertive but gentle but feeling frustrated at his declining amount of willingness to do anything. He has suffered from depression before and has been depressed since March this year, but since starting anti-depressants just 2 weeks ago the anxiety seems less but the depression is worse. It is hard to see him just sitting, staring, or playing chess online for hours on end when I'd like him to try a little walk or a meditation with me instead.