New to Forum: At a loss as to how to help husband and save my marriage

[Jay03]

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this and very nervous! I am however desperate and I simply don't know what else to do or where to turn. To give some background, Hubby and I have been married 7 years next mth.

we have a 2yr old, he is a shift worker and I work part time. He was diagnosed with depression last Aug (he sought help after my father intervened..he is a long term sufferer of depression and recognised some signs).

He is on a mild dose of meds for it, we have seen a marriage counsellor and he has also seen a physiatrist. (Both of whom he tells me were of no help and against him..never taking his side etc..)

His depression is severely impacting his work to the point  I am worried he will be fired, he was a few months ago diagnosed with sleep apnoea and he has no enjoyment in life unless it is golf or his phone. He is attached to his phone and reconnecting with single females in particular from the past (facebook) and reaching out to them complaining about his wife and how he wants a divorce.

We are hardly intimate anymore as porn has replaced this in his life. I was worried about the dwindling personal life and confronted him about it last week, to which he admitted to watching porn almost daily and hiding it from me. He then told me he wanted a divorce (first time he has ever mentioned anything like this, I tend to be the main decision maker in the household if that makes sense).

His father came up for a week and has told me that all these things that have been happening and getting worse in the last 12 mths are a result of his depression and not me (as he seems to think). I am in two minds as to what to do as ultimately I want to help him through this but I am the last person he wants help from. 

He is back to seeing his dr again but refusing to see other professionals as they don't 'listen' to him. We are living in separate bedrooms. I am very lonely, hurt and confused.

My father and my FIL are convinced this is his depression at a very low point and my husband is starting to believe this as well now.I guess I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and how did you overcome it?

His phone is driving me up the wall and his lack of attention towards me and our daughter greatly upsets me.

I try so hard not to let it affect me as I know people aren't themselves when they are in the depths of a low like this but I don't know any coping mechanisms for me to rise above it all. if anyone could help I would greatly appreciate any input. Thanks 🙂

[Chris_B]

Hi Jay03, welcome to the forums and congratulations on making a first post.

Below are a couple of threads you might find helpful, feel free to reach out to other members in these:

Why am I not enough?

How do I deal with it?

Pushing friends and loved ones away

I have pushed my husband away

Husband depressed says he wants to leave advice please!

Loving someone with depression when you're not sure they love you

I pushed my husband away

If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this

[Jacko777]

Hi Jay03,

I am glad you have posted and i hope you will check out some of the threads that Chris has shared. Sorry to hear about your situation, sounds tough, I know you will get lots of support and advice here.

I know with my own depression and recovery, it took time and it took several doctors. So I am not surprised that your husband isn't happy with who he has seen, could you get him to ring the Beyond Blue phone service to get some advice about finding a new professional that listens to him? 

I largely have overcome my depression by seeking good advice from psychiatrists and counsellors and acting on this advice. I have read stacks of self help and psychology books, i have started new stuff, found my passions and acted on them. It all takes time and practice. i would never have known what had caused my depression without professional help.

It helps me to be aware of my focus during each day, I have separate aspects of my life that I spend time in each day and some of these things deserve full focus. For example, when I spend time with my young son I practice keeping focus on being the best Dad I can with him, I refuse to let negative thoughts in at that time. I practice focusing on the good parts of my life, over-thinking things that I cannot change is a waste of my time and energy. 

I hope you let us know how things go, hang in there mate.

Jacko

[geoff]

dear Jay, hi and please don't be nervous, we don't know who you are and this is protected by the Moderators and in particular our manager Chris, who has offered all those threads to look at.

At the moment your hubby won't accept what has been said to him and the only person he will see is his doctor, so does this mean that he is in denial and believes that he is doing nothing wrong.

Perhaps these other professionals don't listen to him because they may tell him that what he is doing is wrong, rather than actually talking his situation through with him, because he is in denial they shouldn't be telling him that he is doing the wrong thing, because this just turns him off even more.

So what they need to do is discuss this with him with an open mind, but with the intention of getting him understand what is going on.

Can I suggest that you click on 'Resources' at the top of this page and order 'All the Printed Material' from BB, it's all free but all the information in it is invaluable.

I also suggest that both you and your daughter go and talk to a doctor, whether it's the same one as your hubby goes to is your decision.

I can't tell you what to do as what I say are only suggestions and advice, so if you want to go another doctor then click onto 'Get Support' at the top again, where you will be able to find doctors etc who are aligned to BB and who specifically deal with mental illness, and there might be one close to you.

Hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Jennita]

Hi Jay,

I experienced a similar situation with my husband a few years ago. Over a six-month period, after a bereavement and some stresses at work, he changed from a devoted and caring partner and father to a cold and selfish person, obsessed with exercising and communicating romantically with a female colleague on his phone. He had no interest in me or in our young adult children. He also became very irritable and impulsive and had trouble sleeping.

I finally persuaded him to see his doctor. It turned out that his long-term anxiety had tipped over into mania. After a referral to a good psychiatrist and a few weeks on a mood stabiliser  he started to recover. After a few months, he was pretty much back to his old self and was very regretful and apologetic for the things he had said and done while manic. He has continued to take the mood stabiliser and to stay well. 

Has your husband been unusually irritable or aggressive? Has he been making impulsive or irrational decisions? Has he had trouble sleeping? These can all be symptoms of mania. As your husband has previously been treated for depression, is it possible that he is actually bipolar and is experiencing mania or hypomania? 

[Jacko777]

Hi Jennita,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thanks for sharing your positive story.

Just wondering, how did you go about 'persuading' your husband to see a Doctor? This is a challenge for a lot of people and I am keen to hear how you went about it if you don't mind talking about it. Thanks.

Jack

[Unloved_wife]

Hi,

I was in a similar situation and the GP mis-diagnosed with depression but he was already in a hypermania so the depression drugs just made him "higher". After a long time he was diagnosed with Bi-polar 2.

Maybe not for your situation but something to think about.

Best of luck.

[Jennita]

Hi Jacko,

It wasn't easy to persuade him at first. It took a while for me to even realise that his behaviour was due to mental illness rather than just work stress and some sort of 'midlife crisis', as the situation worsened over a period of months. I eventually became concerned that he perhaps had a brain tumour or early-onset dementia.

In the end, I just reasoned with him and gave him examples of how his decisions and behaviour had been out of character and irrational. I told him that I was afraid that something was badly wrong with him, and told him my suspicions about possible cancer or dementia. He had noticed that he had been getting into more conflicts at work and that he was having trouble doing some tasks, as he could no longer express ideas or information clearly in writing (due to racing thoughts.) He was also losing a lot of weight and looking exhausted from lack of sleep, despite being fit. Even though by this stage he disliked me and wanted to leave me, at some level he still trusted my judgement, so he agreed to see his doctor just as a precaution. Our (young adult) children also made it clear to him that they thought his behaviour was bizarre and that he needed help.

The doctor was great. He told my husband that he suspected he was manic. He referred him to a psychiatrist. It took a while to get an appointment with the psychiatrist, and he was furious with me for insisting that he go, but he went. After that, things improved quickly and he has made a very good recovery.

[Jacko777]

HI Jennita,

Thanks so much for sharing this. Obviously your honest concern and persistence was a key factor here, as well as your husband's ill health. I am so glad that you have had this terrific outcome and I think you can offer much hope to others if you choose to reply to more posts on this site. Thanks again.

Jack