Needing to support a dear friend with bipolar

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello,
My best friend has bipolar disorder.
Our friendship has been great. lately she has become verbally abusive, angry and she shuts me out and I can’t respond. She accuses me of being a liar, manipulator, attention seeker and someone with an agenda and selective memory., All I have ever done is treat her kindly. We talked about food, she made suggestions worth doing, since I was only eating vegetables, legumes. The conversation ended amicably. The next morning, she went ballistic and said some verbally abusive things which hurt. I became a liar because I followed her suggestion, it seems. She told me to leave her alone otherwise she would terminate our friendship. She has qualities which to me are very rare. I care about her very much. I am a kind, caring but a passive individual, never spoken ill of her, never put her down or commented on her shortcomings or actions, but she appears to be overanalysing our discussions to look for possible faults or shortcomings of my own for some reason, misunderstanding what is being communicated or is just saying them to hurt me. She often puts herself down, and I counter it by trying to boost her. She deserves it. The last time something like this happened , which was her getting angry because I apologised to her because I thought I upset her. It turned out was joking but I misunderstood. I was also called a liar then because she felt my apology was false or pretend. I genuinely felt I’d said something wrong and upset her, and felt remorseful. She stormed off and said she needed space. I have never known anyone to react to apologies with hostility. I waited two weeks and it was like nothing happened and she apologised to me for not being chatty, even though she was the one that wanted me to leave her alone. The normality didn’t last long, though. She knows she needs a mood stabiliser but hasn’t done anything. I researched bipolar because she knew basically nothing. After being triggered off over a discussion about food, I do not know how to approach her, or when, in fear of having her rage at me again. She’s right though, I *do* have an agenda. When I got to know her, I realised how bad her depression is and how badly if affects her life. I wanted to try and put some happiness, relief, normalcy back into her life. I want her to be happy, because I care about her. I’ve never expected anything from her other than her friendship and company. Any advice gratefully received. Thank you.

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello again Tony. The hurt originated from a few sources. The first being that she’s only just started making the accusations, so the sudden shift is upsetting. Their not making sense, for example taking advice and then being told you lied because you followed that advice is confusing. Not being given an explanation for the accusations also hurts because if there is basis to them I have overlooked, I want to make amends or correct that behaviour. Being left to wonder about them and the other persons refusal to communicate about them also hurts.

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello Tony,

I just wanted to thank you again for your very helpful advice. My friend and I are talking again, she wrote to me on social media while I was having time away from it. I am working my way through the epic “the bipolar life” thread, which is so resourceful. I also purchased Infinitely Polar Bear, which I’m going to watch when I’ve finished writing this.

I’ve embraced the fact that in order for us to rebuild our friendship, I am the one that needs to change, not her. She recognises that she needs to go on the right medication, but that is for her to do when she is good and ready.

It wasn’t until today that I learned that those with bipolar often push people away/cut them out of their lives, for defensive reasons and so on. When I first came here, I thought I’d been more or less cut out and that I had to remedy the situation somehow.

Life moves either very slowly for me, a week feels like a month, or very quickly, there’s never been an even pace that I can remember. When I feel it moving quickly, I need to slow right down and be more aware and more observant in communicating, because in hindsight, it’s my hasty responses and flippant dialog that has triggered her off. Instead of asking questions when there is any ambiguity, I assume I know what she means or what she’s trying to express emotionally and it results in problems. I end up pushing her buttons. This is partly due to the fact that most of our communication is via text.

In elevator terms, she’s usually on her way to the basement and there are very valid reasons for this, which is when I feel the urge to be as supportive as possible and maybe lift her up a bit, but when she’s on her way towards the too floor and we have frenzied hours long conversations, I need to be careful not to send her all the way to the top floor, so to speak. I regret some of the things I’ve written here, they came from a place of ignorance and I wish I could take them back. Thanks again, Tony.

[BetweenThePoles]

G’day Tony,

Thanks for your assistance in the past. I was able to maintain a friendship with the girl I used to call my best friend until very recently,. We had a few more arguments over the months and they became progressively harder to resolve.

Actually, resolution was never reached, ever.

The result was always the same — an endless cycle where they would argue and argue until one of us became exhausted and disengaged.

When they expired their initial set of grievances, they would manufacture more from thin air to keep the dispute going. As time went on, I noticed they didn’t want resolution, they wanted to keep the argument going instead. Things were never finished though, just swept under the rug...and the bulge under the rug kept growing.

I pointed this out during the most recent argument and they went straight to the top floor, let BiPolar move in, push them onto the couch and terminate the friendship completely after a huge outpouring of abuse.

I purchased an excellent audiobook by Julie A. Fast called Loving Someone With BiPolar Disorder and tried some techniques therein. They were disgusted and horrified to learn I had, even though they welcomed me helping them research bipolar and taking the road to mood stabilisers. I was labelled a creep.

In particular, I wanted to build a plan for when an argument started, as a means of diffusing I it. It was “too soon“ for that, said my former friend.

So thus is one of those times when you lose an friend to bipolar because of their ego. Either you provide them with a “truth” that doesn’t exist or they label you a liar and push you away for good, to protect their ego.

[BetweenThePoles]

I did help this person, in a few ways.

She won’t admit it, but for a short time I made a difference in her life. There were times when she needed someone, probably anyone, and I was there. I was proud to be.

She appreciated it, too.

Unfortunately. the abuse she subjected me to has left me a second-guesser,, and not much else. Her ego was a priority over my emotional well-being. She knew she was hurting me and eventually stopped caring until there was no friendship left.

BTB