Needing to support a dear friend with bipolar

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello,
My best friend has bipolar disorder.
Our friendship has been great. lately she has become verbally abusive, angry and she shuts me out and I can’t respond. She accuses me of being a liar, manipulator, attention seeker and someone with an agenda and selective memory., All I have ever done is treat her kindly. We talked about food, she made suggestions worth doing, since I was only eating vegetables, legumes. The conversation ended amicably. The next morning, she went ballistic and said some verbally abusive things which hurt. I became a liar because I followed her suggestion, it seems. She told me to leave her alone otherwise she would terminate our friendship. She has qualities which to me are very rare. I care about her very much. I am a kind, caring but a passive individual, never spoken ill of her, never put her down or commented on her shortcomings or actions, but she appears to be overanalysing our discussions to look for possible faults or shortcomings of my own for some reason, misunderstanding what is being communicated or is just saying them to hurt me. She often puts herself down, and I counter it by trying to boost her. She deserves it. The last time something like this happened , which was her getting angry because I apologised to her because I thought I upset her. It turned out was joking but I misunderstood. I was also called a liar then because she felt my apology was false or pretend. I genuinely felt I’d said something wrong and upset her, and felt remorseful. She stormed off and said she needed space. I have never known anyone to react to apologies with hostility. I waited two weeks and it was like nothing happened and she apologised to me for not being chatty, even though she was the one that wanted me to leave her alone. The normality didn’t last long, though. She knows she needs a mood stabiliser but hasn’t done anything. I researched bipolar because she knew basically nothing. After being triggered off over a discussion about food, I do not know how to approach her, or when, in fear of having her rage at me again. She’s right though, I *do* have an agenda. When I got to know her, I realised how bad her depression is and how badly if affects her life. I wanted to try and put some happiness, relief, normalcy back into her life. I want her to be happy, because I care about her. I’ve never expected anything from her other than her friendship and company. Any advice gratefully received. Thank you.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Re: "She knows she needs a mood stabiliser but hasn’t done anything."

Therein lies 50% of the problem imo.

I and my sister, my daughter and one niece all have bipolar2. Medication saved our family. Our most extreme symptoms is sensitivity (although my mother has BPD so we might have some of that), moodiness, over reaction and intolerance/lack of patience. Mood stabilizers countered some of that.

The other 50% of the problem could be made up of - attitude, jealousy, behavioural traits from upbringing and so on, that needs ongoing professional consultations.

Google-

beyondblue topic is there room for stubbornness?

Beyondblue topic does stubbornness have a place?

Now I'd like to talk about the wonderful you! My forum name Whiteknight was chosen because the Whiteknight syndrome is one whereby you help others to an extreme level even if your own health suffers. To go beyond the call has consequences. Being a punchinging bag in this case is your consequences.

As those threads suggest, you can't make people take meds or get therapy therefore as wonderful as you are things won't change.

That leaves only one alternative- distance yourself until she decides to get treatment. It's that simple. You can also encourage her to join this forum but just in passing, no pressure.

You are not at fault in this situation.

Good luck and thankyou for trying to support someone with a mental illness.

TonyWK

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello Tony. Thanks for writing. I found your reply to be very informative and useful. I am sorry to hear that your family has been affected by bipolar but am pleased to know medication has helped your family so much. My friend was diagnosed some years ago and isn’t in denial about it but knew very little about it. I see how much it has an impact on her life and speaks regularly of the depression and anxiety but don’t understand why she hasn’t sought treatment. Excuse my pessimism but I don’t think she will get the proper medication but claims to have mentioned the name of the first-line treatment to her GP. She dislikes leaving the house and doctors appointments. I don’t know if she has BP 1 or 2, nor does she. Her swings appear fairly frequent but the behaviour I described has only manifested in recent weeks which is why I feel I must be at fault. It started when she returned from a brief holiday which she cut short because of what she told me was anxiety. I am worried something else happened, but blaming myself feels more rational. I appreciate you suggesting I am not at fault. I see most if not all of the symptoms you described but feel that I have exceeded the limits of her intolerance for doing things which are of her perception and assumptions only. Even if they are that, I recognise it makes them no less real to her. For example, being told I am a liar as a result of taking her advice. Taking her advice ended in her telling me she doesn’t trust me anymore and I see that as irreparable. She is a logic-driven person, so this behaviour baffles me.

Thank you again for your reply Tony. Carry on being the White Knight! It may not be the best way to be but it’s better good than bad.

[KG82]

Hi BetweenThePoles,

One of the most useful things that I have come across in my reading about bipolar is that it is quite often the illness talking not the person (in this case your friend). My partner was diagnosed with bipolar earlier this year, and has hit a rough patch. In her case though, she has withdrawn rather than making accusations about my behaviour. When things become particularly bad, there is not a lot of rational thinking or behaviour. If there was that ability during times of illness, it wouldn’t be a problem. It sounds like you know that you haven’t done anything other than try to be a supportive friend. As hard as it is, taking the blame for your friend’s behaviour isn’t going to help the situation. Numerous different articles advise not to take things personally. I can tell you from experience that this is easier said than done.

[white knight]

KG that's a very appropriate reply.

Between the poles- many people with mental illness don't have insight to their symptoms. As KG eluded, it's their illness not them.

There is a saying with mental illness- " if you have insight you're one of the lucky ones". The name calling and criticism following you going as she asked, is a reflection of this.

So you won't change her. It comes down to your tolerance levels.

TonyWK

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello KG82. Thank you for sharing your experiences and knowledge. I hope you do not mind, but I followed you to Steve68’s thread, which proved relatable and also very emotional. My heart goes out to people such as yourself and Steve68. Your time and preparedness to communicate with me is very much appreciated snd I hope that your partners diagnosis has provided clarity, a sense of preparedness and understanding. For me, it feels judgemental to perceive the difficult moments as being one that lack rational thinking or behaviour, because I know how the person would react if they were told that directly. I am starting to feel that writing here is not helping but instead resembled an obsession with someone who does not want me in their life anymore and that I am using bipolar as means of justifying their behaviour so that I can allow myself to continue what I am doing. Deep down, there’s no obsession or agenda. Because of what she has said to me, I hear her voice in my mind, accusing me of being obsessed. I would then say that I’m trying to help her, get help for myself, because I care about her — as a friend, and value our friendship so much. She’d then tell me I’m lying. That’s what it’s done to me. If she knew I was writing this, she would say I’m having a pity party. She’s said it before when I’ve shown remorse. I neither want or need pity.

That’s how I feel. You are right, I have tried my hardest to be s supportive friend. I am kind, I was raised that way, but I am a grown man who is brought to tears when someone you care about, someone who has shown you they care, suddenly says things you would only expect to hear from someone who wants to cause you pain. It feels wrong to try and feel that I am without blame. It feels selfish and like I am in denial, without fault.

But I know in my heart that I have never, ever done or said anything to try and hurt her, upset, deceive or cause her discomfort of any kind, in any way, ever, but she tries to take that away from me.. I have complete respect for her, just as I do for any other person I encounter in my life. She just happens to be who I feel is my best friend.

It’d much harder said than done, to not take it personally, especially when it’s coming from someone who encourages you to not take things personally.

[BetweenThePoles]

Thank you again, Tony. I suffer from mental illness too, depression and anxiety both. I see a good psychiatrist regularly and take good medications to help me function as best as I can. Finding the right medications often takes time, effort and patience. It’s a difficult journey sometimes, but I travelled it because I don’t want to feel what I would without them.

a councillor told me exactly what KG said, it’s the illness talking. But, there will be timed when it isn’t, and not knowing when to tell the difference worries me, as I inferred in my last post. I want to put everything in that basket, for reassurance snd simplicity, especially the former. It would make tolerance the default and easy to implement coping mechanism. Water off a ducks back, as it were.

[white knight]

When I was diagnosed with bipolar, dysthymia, anxiety and depression my psychiatrist told my wife "you'll have difficulty identifying if Tonys reactions is his illness or personality"

BTP - you are no doubt an articulate person, I can judge that by your fine writing style and you display sound intelligence. You are also very kind and sensitive. Sensitivity alone is a reflection of feelings that might be in excess. This us not to say your reactions aren't justified, on the contrary, they certainly are, but in this case you might need to review your own defences in order to allow the friendship continue (which means so much to you). "Keeping your distance" as I previously suggested, is perhaps an option but not the preferred one.

The problem we sensitive and ultra caring friends have is, for reasons of our makeup from childhood, we do not possess the filters most people have that protect us, the hard she'll if you like. It's best described in the following threads- (google)

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival (also part 2)

Then again we are all individuals and a degree of acceptance is needed

Beyondblue topic accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion

Your anxiety could be playing a part in all this. Having had it and conquered it (that took 22 years!) I can understand.

Beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

Beyondblue topic meditation, he helped me for 25 years- Maharaji

Those might be helpful in getting her reactions into a different perspective. E.g. being called a liar isn't a thing I'd be happy with either, however, it could be looked upon as just words and a jumbled mind that knows no other way but to make accusations. This means you won't change her, the changes is left to you. Not easy, but needed if you continue the relationship.

This is the sacrifice good people have to make.

Beyondblue topic the good Samaritan

I hope those threads is beneficial and we can chat more.

TonyWK :)

[BetweenThePoles]

Good morning Tony, glad to hear from you again. I appreciate your compliments with respect to my writing. English was one of my better subjects at school. Although reluctant to commend myself, I believe I am reasonably intelligent and from time to time, others say the same, as you just have. Thank you. Intelligence is a useful tool, but it’s true potential requires a certain degree of wisdom I feel I am lacking.

I have been long aware that I am overly sensitive, particularly in these situations. My friend has noted on more than one occasion that I am also vulnerable and susceptible to manipulation. Ironically our conflict during that conversation resulted in her calling me manipulative.

As you say, they’re just words. Upon consideration, they’re also baseless, since they’re never accompanied by any specifics. Being told you’re a liar, manipulator and someone with an agenda without being told how or why has little substance, especially when the person making those claims makes a hasty exit from the conversation and asks to be left alone. For an intelligent, articulate and logical person to behave that way makes me feel sad for them and has me wonder what pains them to pursue such pointless conduct. I have some idea but there is little point speculating.

Thanks for the links Tony, I will take a look. The friendship will continue, I am choosing to keep my distance until she commences mood-stabilising treatment, or contacts me. Neither may happen. Only time will tell.

[white knight]

Hi BTP

Words that hurt us- it raises an interesting topic.

If we receive verbal abuse that we know is untrue (liar, manipulator, etc) why do we get so hurt if there is no basis for the allegations. Automatic discounting of such labels should be just that- automatic.

As we do take things to heart to various degrees, it can highlight our deficiencies like lack of wisdom, emotional immaturity, sensitivity and in some cases revenge and so on.

As a person who, grew up emotionally immature I lacked street wisdom, was a crier and over reacted a lot. Oddly enough I had another side that was capable of being a prison officer at only 21 years of age so emotional immaturity doesn't effect all of our being.

But I live in a no blame world. It isn't our fault to be lacking wisdom, have depression or over reaction. It's only our fault if it's pointed out to us and no action is taken and no apology given. But that takes insight and in the case of your friend if there is no insight then her illness is very serious and more importantly her capacity to change is very limited. This realisation if fully realised could lower your expectations of behaviour.

TonyWK