needing a bit of help. Fiancee' depressed and I need help

[Zara]

Hello all

My partner has been diagnosed with depression a little over a month ago. He has been put on medication, the first lot was not helpful so he was moved to different medication. 

The questions I have to ask is how do other people cope when there partner is so rude, nasty and then don't talk to you for days and then the opposite go to being so nice and you can't discuss what happened as then you would be living in the past.

I want to be supportive and helpful but at this time I am feeling as though I am getting treated like his punching bag, we have counselling next week which will hopefully help. All I do is cry all the time and that gets him angry however I know its an illness and I know its not him so how do I not get so heart broken every time he treats me like that.

Please help me 

[homer_thompson]

G'day Zara,

Wow, I've been that guy (much to my own shame). What I can say for certain is that he is one lucky bloke to have you around, using all of your patience and understanding to support him. It took a ton of commitment for you to seek extra advice.. I'm sure that if you can hang in there, things will improve.

If he's shown willingness to see a councillor with you then the lines of communication are still open to some extent and that's a positive. With a professional in the room, you can broach some of these subjects in an atmosphere that is less "charged", it'll give you guys a chance to work out the relationship in calm rational terms instead of getting all het-up and emotional.

A couple of "avoids" until you're surer of the emotional ground you're on.: Pressure. Even though it's difficult, continuous entreaties, no matter how loving can be interpreted as nagging. It builds guilt in the depressed party and manifests as anger or frustration within them. Secondly, Ultimatums. An ultimatum is like an emotional hand grenade to a depressed person. Like notice of an impending loss.

Stay patient. The long term is more important than momentary feeling.

You are amazing to recognise his condition. Saintly to try dealing with it on your own. I wish you luck, and hope.

[geoff]

dear Zara, this is always a catch-22 question, but it really depends on how much of this verbal abuse you can take, and because you yourself are being affected to the point of breaking down isn't pleasant for you, so this is a point that has to be raised in the counselling session.

I know that his depression is causing this, but unfortunately it becomes a learnt tactic, and that's what worries me for your safety.

I maybe over stepping the mark here, I hope so, but what's said in the counselling session doesn't always come to fruition. L Geoff. x

[persis0]

Hello and loving hugs to you, I have no name, but I am helen I am brand new to this cyber forum stuff so hope you get to recieve this! Not sure how it all works but I posted my story yesterday probably signed Pers but aka helen,so please call me helen.

Tough times you are going through.

Rude and nasty in depression I know well, especially worse if he has been drinking.

I am christian so have ephesians 6 from memory, its about having a shell or vintage metal tea cosy right over you preventing verbals from going in. Ian and I have agreed that I leave the house until he calms,sometimes it has been over night and with our children. So safe house and bag prepacked always ready. This is self care if you are at all at risk ,emotionally or physically. This pre discussion signals to him that this behaviour/mood is unacceptable.

First step is to care very well for yourself, do not become the moth that flutters to the lit candle and batters itself to shreds! It can happen over the long haul.

Ask your self are you taking this lovely man on to love and to empower for the rest of your life? Some of us have it in us others no.

Find one wise counsel just for you and stay with them.

Too many advisors leads to confusion and adds to your helplessness.

Do not fall into the trap of doing your man,s stuff for him.

Let him live his life hands off but with your love and support of him always evident.

Give him undivided time often.

Draw up and check your pie chart on how you spend each 24 hours over a week and maintain a balance of time spent with him, work, sleep, play, and your personal hobby.

The pie chart is great tool to use it is graphic and concrete for our blokes to see. It also helps them realise that they may be placing  selfish demands on you, which will wear you down over time.

This balance is essential to both parties ment. hlth.

Make sure you get your love to see an expert in diagnosing mood disorders.

Get it managed quickly and he will recover better and for longer.

Educate yourself as much as possible about managment.

Campaign for him to take on cognitive behavioral therapy, this is just as essential treatment as pills.

If he wont you learn about it and apply it in your relating to him.

My hubby has patches of extreme anger  when depressed, he has lived with mood disorder for close to 50 years, me with him for 34. I still love him, but sadly we are socially isolated as a couple. Have lovely adult children, both have mood disorders. Each disorder is as different as their personalities.

They are high achievers and have great insight and control over their illness.

The 3 take a combo of mood Stabilsers and add in antipsychotic when unwell. They quickly bounce back.

There were many hospital admissions early on in our marriage and during teen years.

From helen who cares.

[Zara]

Hello 🙂 

thank you for your replies!  I very much appreciate it and it makes me feel as though I am not alone... 

Last week was a very bad week! Although a little progress today as he finally got in to see a psychologist!! Although he didn't want me there as he thinks I Judge him... Which I never do... I am just supportive and loving most of the time I just try and listen as I don't want to say the wrong thing to upset him... We don't know what his triggers are yet... 2 weeks until the tablets are supposed to help a little more... Behavioural  therapy I will look that up now... As I don't want this behaviour to keep going forever...

at least he felt safe enough to take to the psychologist, that is a step in the right direction... We need to go and see counsellors together although we are very limited in the town we live in which is quite ridiculous with the size it is... I can't believe how hard it is for people to find help and get treated,.. 

Thank you so much again for all your help... I will try and find your stories as I would love to hear more... I hope you are going okay... If you need to talk to anyone I try and check this post regularly  🙂

take care 

Zara x