Need help dealing with my daughters depression

[embo]

Hi there
first time on here.  Really need some advice on how to deal with my 15 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with severe depression and has resorted to self harming.
She is an extremely empathetic girl.  All the girls at school go to my daughter with their issues.  She has just broken up with her boyfriend of 7 months because he had sucked everything out of her due to his own depression and anxiety issues.  We are left with a very sad girl.

We have been getting her regular counselling and even doing hypnotherapy

recentely she has been really good

my son just turned 18.  The attention has been on him for the past couple of days versus her all the time.  She sat at the dinner table last night and declared that she was disappointed with our lack of response to the card she wrote for him.  She was looking for attention.  She has always been a very dramatic child.  So she turned on the tears.  By the time we got home she was screaming and carrying on

we got our friend around to calm her down (he is a policeman who deals with this stuff) he sat up there for two and a half hours to calm her down and talk to her.  He has since advised us that she was basically being a brat.  That there really wasnt anything wrong.  That she was just making everything about herself

when she went to bed she advised us that she was angry with us!

I also need to mention that she has a little brother age 9 whom she is malicious towards who is very confused and heartbroken about what is going on in our home at the moment

today we basically dragged her out of bed and to school.  I have since had the school phone me to advise she is refusing to go into class

so this is where I need help.  I am a tough parent.  Behaviour like that would normally be dealt with.  Removal of priviledges etc however anything we implement pushes her into depression

can someone please help me and tell me how I can handle her.  I understand she is going through a difficult time.  We have all been so supportive for her and truly dont know what else we can do to help but it is really starting to effect all of us 😞

thank you in advance

[Doolhof]

Hi Embo,

I very new to Beyond Blue too. I would just like to let you know that I am thinking of you and your family. It sounds to me that you really care about all of your children, and just want the family to be happy and peaceful.

From the way you have described your daughter, she sounds like me when I was her age. I was a really angry individual when I was younger, and didn't really understand why. One of my nieces has been through exactly the same thing, and I could see so much of myself in the struggles she has experienced.  

My niece and I have both been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am certainly not saying this is the case with your daughter, but maybe you could look this condition up on the computer and see if any of the symptoms and reactions to life fit in with your daughter. She may just be going through a really tough time trying to grow up from a child into an adult. For some of us that is a tough journey.

Have you taken the time out to chat to your 9 year old son to let him know that he is a very loved member of the family. As a child it is sometimes easy to think that when things go wrong, it is your fault. If your daughter tends to pick on him, he may start to think he is the cause of all the problems. I really hope he doesn't feel this way.

Does your daughter like physical activity? Maybe exerting some energy might help her to release some of that pent up anger and frustration she may be feeling. As a kid when I was really angry riding a bike, going for a long walk, swimming, bashing a ball with a tennis racket, anything physical helped a little.

I hope other people send you posts as well, or scout around and see what people have written else where. There is a lot of excellent advice here. Another thought, does your daughter like to draw, maybe she could create images on paper to release some of what she is feeling.

Thinking of you all and hope you find some helpful solutions soon. Hang in there!

From Dools.

[Snoman]

Hi Embo,

Welcome to the BB forums.  You have a really tough situation there.  My eldest child is nearly 12, so I haven't quite had to deal with the issues that come with teenage kids.

If your daughter is self harming, remember that this is not for attention.  People usually self harm just to feel something different.

I suggest you have a look at the links at the top of this web site.  In particular, look under Resources/Family and Friends/Caring...  There are some PDFs that have lots of information to help you understand what your daughter is going through.  BeyondBlue can also send these to you for free.

You might also want to talk to her therapists to get a better understanding and perhaps show your daughter that you take her condition seriously.  She may not want you in the sessions with her.  Let her guide you on that.

Snoman

[anzbananz]

Hi there, I am also very new here, first time at all. My 18 year old son was diagnosed just a few days ago and is also self harming and very angry, so I really feel for you.

is your daughter seeing a psychologist or counsellor? Maybe being able to talk to someone removed from the family situation might help. And anger seems far more common in teens than sadness. 

i know there are no easy answers, and it's very draining as their illness tests the people who live them most.

good luck.

[embo]

thanks for your support.

Yes my daughter is seeing a counsellor.  Also seeing a hypnotherapist.  Whatever it takes I say.  She is not on any anti depressants

It has been a rough week.  After the VERY bad night on Tuesday night she has either been 'sad' or absolute stupid thinking she is hilarious and doesnt understand when enough is enough.  Things can get her very angry.  Not keen on organising catch up with friends or pursuing an offer to join a music writing competition and club.    Music is her passion.  She has no hobbies despite all our efforts.  We enrolled her in a gym which she was really happy about but is lucky to go once a week.  Is more content to sit on the couch with the ipad / iphone which we try to restrict times with

 So really not a good week at all.  It is exhausting for my husband and I and is getting my older son down who is about to go in to the busy end of VCE.  We are worried what impact this is going to have with her friends. 

we are starting to wonder if we should look at anti depressants.  But she gets so many side effects and allergies with other tablets I dread what journey that could be 😞

[geoff]

dear Embo, thanks for providing this post because it has attracted other newcomers to be able to respond.

It's quite an awkward situation for all around, as you try and help one member of the family so then others take it as though you don't particularly care for them, so it's a catch 22 situation.

So your daughter needs help, just as your son who is doing VCE, then your 9 year old whose mind be pulling from both directions, and then both you and your husband, so who can you blame, well that's not as easy as it seems.

If your friends can't put this to aside and you lose contact with them because they don't agree with what's going on, then are they friends, because any real friend would offer their support and any help that you may need.

I only say this because not only me but others on this site have had to cope with the same problem, and the friends that we believed were there by their side have all just walked away, and left us to fend for ourselves, they don't want to have to cope with someone else's problems.

I would look into the doctor giving her antidepressants, and because of her side-effects he/she would start her off on a dose and then gradually increase them.

What you will have to do is to check that she is taking them, because if she knows she will get side-effects then she won't take them, but it sounds as though they may settle her down. L Geoff. x

[embo]

thank you !
Really helps to be able to vent to others that understand
Its funny you know, one of my friends asked me last night if she had had symptoms growing up.  My initial reaction was to say 'no'
But sleeping on it last night we have often commented from the time she was three she would have what we called 'black and white' moods.  One minute everything was fine the next she was like thunder and grumpy and moody and we would send her to her room.  But we just ruled it off as her always being very dramatic and always wanting our attention
Who knows.  Looking back isnt really going to help going forward
Again thank you everyone

[Snoman]

Embo,

I sometimes worry about my son as he also has black and white moods.  He can flip from one to the other in an instant like the mood before never happened.  They seem to be improving though.

Depression is bad enough to get through, but it must be even more frightening to a teenager as they go through enough other changes.

I understand her wanting to to just veg out on the couch all day.  The other common approach is in bed all day.  But, as my therapist would say "depression feeds on inaction".

However, I wouldn't suggest yelling at your daughter to get up and go do something.  That may just end up with resentment that you don't understand what she is going through.  If you have never experienced depression, then it is very difficult to understand.  Perhaps some firm encouragement and asking her to commit to something small like emptying the bins everyday, or unpacking the dishwasher.  Commitment and following through with it will help.

Despite all your efforts and your daughters efforts, depression will rob her of the ability to enjoy anything.  There may be some good days where some things seem to be fun, but as you have seen, those days don't last.

Educating yourself about her condition will help.  Showing your daughter that you are actively caring and trying to help by coming to BB and sharing with her the things you have learned will show that you support her.  Teens are not always good at educating themselves.  Depression can also put a negative spin on all she learns about herself.

I would definitely ask her GP about antidepressants.  Also understand that unfortunately they take at least 4 weeks to show signs of helping and can be up to 6 months to turn things around.

Unfortunately the road to recovery is quite bumpy.  There will be good days and bad days.  For her and your whole family.

Hopefully your daughter will get on top of it soon.

Sno