Need desperate help for reclusive young lady

[SsyL]

Subject: My aunty's daughter, early 20s, Sydney

Problem: recluse, non-social, no work or study, odd quirks and behaviours

Possible cause: incident of bullying/betrayal from friend during schooling that wasn't addressed, compounded by being an adopted child and a migrant as well as moving between countries.

Background: Aunty married later in life, no kids of her own. Adopted daughter from within the family in Malaysia, brought her here. Spent some formative years over there before returning to Aus. Incident with friend occurred mid-high school, details unclear. Stopped school, sought initial counselling with psychologist. Issues may be worse due to realisation of adoption and not getting along with step father.

I'm seeking advice on what to do in this situation. How to address the issue/s affecting my niece, help here come out of the home and do normal activities and look after herself. Ultimately the hope is for her to be a functional member of society and have a job and be independent.

My aunty is running out of ideas, strength and time as she's getting old. She is also not very cluey about such matters and by this stage is in denial believing it will fix itself.

I'm limited by what I can do, as I'm not personally close to my niece (she responds better to females) although she attends family events. Also, as not being her immediate family I'm not privy to any details.

Having said that, we both are restricted to information as there is confidentially between Dr and patient as she was over 18 during treatment which makes it very hard. Even if we don't know the details of what is discuss, no advice is given on what to do to help in the home environment. After some time of attending session with no to little progress, they let it slide.

She has tried psychology, Headspace etc to no avail. To start again, the advice is that she needs a mental health plan. But she won't leave the house so how to get her to a clinic? Don't know if a home visit is possible but not sure how she'll respond. I've called all manner of organisation, hotline, support but have not practical solutions.

Is there anyone who is in a similar situation with family member who is reclusive? What did you do? It might help if she has someone like her to talk to and relate to.

Despite no progress for many years, she still has youth on her side and I believe there is still time to do something. She is an smart girl who is very lost. My aunty won't be around forever and I don't want her to be alone.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sleepy

I’m so sorry that you found yourself alone when you needed support.

Thankfully you are here now. This community will always have your back.

Kind thoughts to you

[SsyL]

Sleepy21, thanks for the input. It is good to know there are others who have been in a similar circumstance. Having been through that, what advice would you give to approach the situation especially at the beginning, how to get my niece to come out of her shell and seek help?

Summer Rose, I have seemingly hit a roadblock. Though she hasn't said it outright, my Aunty is unwilling to take action. I feel that she is either in denial, or is overwhelmed by the task at hand and having to take the first step all over again. There are disadvantages with leaving it too long as I said previously. Both sides lose momentum and get comfortable in their groove. I've offered to go with her to a GP as a helping hand but she declined.

[Summer Rose]

Hi SsyL

I applaud your efforts to speak with your Aunty. By starting the conversation you have shown her that you care—and that’s really important.

She also now knows that she doesn’t have to handle everything alone. This is also critical, as the stigma associated with mental health conditions can be very isolating.

It is really hard for a mum to see her child struggling and be powerless to help. I know I experienced a wide range of emotions when I realised how unwell my daughter was, from fear, to sadness to despair. Even though it’s illogical, I blamed myself and felt I was a failure. These intense emotions can be overwhelming, even paralysing.

My daughter’s first doctor (a psychiatrist) was unhelpful. My daughter’s health badly deteriorated. I was so disappointed—crushed really—and it took a lot of strength to keep going to bring about change. And I had some advantages, like good social networks, professional research skills and a supportive husband and son.

Your Aunt may be feeling that the system let her down. She may be overwhelmed, tired and afraid. Like you said, she may be resigned to the life her and your cousin are now leading.

But thanks to you, she knows she is not alone. You have given her some light.

Perhaps, give her some time to reflect on the conversation. Create opportunities for the two of you to talk again and see if she reaches out to you. Be patient and kind. Just be there for her.

The bb website has some great information on having these types of sensitive conversations. I believe it’s located in the “get support” section. If I can figure out how to copy the link to the page I’m thinking of I will post it.

Perhaps you could review the materials before your next conversation with your Aunt?

You are doing really well to offer support.

Kind thoughts to you

[Summer Rose]

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation

[SsyL]

There is a sad end to this story. My aunty had become more reclusive and didn't even pick up the phone or allow me to see her when I was in the area. I probably hadn't seen her since before the last posting. All we knew was that my uncle was having health problems and was deteriorating and they didn't leave the house much so I can only assume the house was in disarray and not presentable to visitors.

Then about three months ago they informed us that he had to be taken to hospital suddenly but it was too late and he died. I have no idea why they didn't act sooner. Even then they didn't get us involved, let us help or even attend the funeral. So in spite of such monumental developments, we still weren't able to see here or lend assistance.

My aunty also revealed she wasn't doing well but didn't disclose specifics. I think the problems with her daughter over the and her husband's health issues took their toll on her.

Two weeks ago her daughter called us and told us that her mother had also passed. This news was both sad and shocking. I'm so angry at her. We never got to see her again recently, let us help her and I feel there is unresolved business with helping my niece. I'm unsure what will happen to her as again, she isn't opening up to us and letting us in.

[Sophie_M]

Hey SsyL

Thank you for your post and for sharing this update. We can only imagine the range of emotions that you must be feeling right now. All of those feelings are completely valid - this has no doubt been a really challenging situation.

 Our lovely community members will no doubt jump in and respond soon. If you want to talk through what you’re feeling at any time, the Beyond Blue Support Line is here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636. 

Thanks again for sharing. We’re here to listen and offer support 🙂
Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[quirkywords]

Ssyl

thanms fir the update what a lot of gtuef yiu must be feeling add to wanting to help your aunts daughter.

It is hard when people won’tor can’t seek support and help.

is your aunts daughter on email or has a mobile phone. .?

Thinking of ways you can communicate with her.

Be gentle with yourself.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Ssyl

I was really saddened to read your recent update. I’m so sorry for the loss of your aunt and uncle.

I can understand your anger, but I do hope that in time you will be able to let it go. None of us really knows what goes on behind the closed doors of our family and friends. I think your aunt would have been doing the best she could in really difficult circumstances.

If you can support your niece I’m sure that will bring you some comfort, perhaps also answers to your questions.
But, above all else, please be kind to yourself. Healing takes time and you have a lot to process.

Please post any time if you need support.

Kind thoughts to you