My wife’s depression is crushing me

[Jaygsxr1000k5]

My wife has servere depression. we have been together for 9years we have 2 young kids. Over the years sex has become a fleeting memory, when she gets drunk and doesnt get her way she gets abusive and sometimes physical. Recently she told me to show her how i feel etc so i did and it lasted a week before she said she didnt want me to hug her when i got home from work, i would write little letters to tell her how much i love her and how good and beautiful she is and nothing. Its a constant cycle of me being unhappy and I finally tell her then she gets angry and says its my fault and i cant blame her then she goes into a downward spiral and i end up having to be nice and my problems just get pushed aside. I’ve had periods of depression myself because of the situation im in but im ok now im just so unhappy, i love my wife i love my kids and i dont want to leave but im miserable. I got the snip on thursday at the clinic where my wife works and as we were leaving she and her friends are laughing and joking about it, i told her before that i didn’t appreciate jokes about it but then she gets the shits at me for being unhappy about her joking about it, im still not happy and she is in bed in a deep depression because of me telling her how i feel so now again i have to be nice and my problems get pushed to the side. I dont know how long i can do this for, i dont know what writing this will accomplish but no one i talk to really seems to understand, they are sympathetic but that doesnt help. I just dont know how i can keep going through this cycle. We have just looked into electric shock theropy as medications have stopped working but this is a large financial and time burden which introduces more stress into the situation but it needs to be done. Then i wonder if it works and she becomes happy will things between us get better or will she want to find happiness elsewhere. Im just so lost and unhappy.

[White_Rose]

Dear Jaygsxr1000

Hello and welcome to the forum. It's good to hear from you. I hope we can offer you support. I can see how frustrating and difficult this situation is for you.

I went through a huge period of depression and it was dreadful. I live alone so had no one immediately available on the dark days. I both wanted help and also pushed people away. Sounds very silly I know but that's how we often work. I think no one can accuse the human race of being logical or clear thinking in these situations.

May I ask, does your wife have any therapy? She sounds very unhappy and getting some professional care may help her. What about you? Do you see anyone about your difficulties? It may also help you to talk to someone as you have problems where you need help.

I see your wife takes or has been prescribed medication which you feel is no longer working. That's frustrating but meds on their own do not cure depression. The person concerned needs to engage in the therapy process as well. How do you feel about this as it relates to both of you? I see you are considering ECT for your wife. Does this mean you have spoken to someone about it or is it still at the idea stage with both of you? I don't know a great deal about it but I know you really need private health insurance unless your wife goes into a public hospital for treatment.

The best person to talk to about ECT is a psychiatrist as this is the person who will administer it. You can get a referral from your GP if your wife does not already see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist can also discuss medication with your wife and perhaps prescribe something different. It's not the case because one medication does not help that all meds will not work. There are a huge number of medications available and a different medication may help.

I see you love your wife and children very much which is great. It's a great motivator to stay and help each other. You seem to be battling several problems at the same time. How you feel about what is happening with your wife and what the future will bring if she has ECT. May I suggest you cannot predict the future especially when the present is still very unclear. Perhaps if you had some professional advice on treatments for both you and your wife, life may not seem so difficult.

Please continue to post in here. I would like to know how you are going and if I have read your situation correctly.

Mary

[Jaygsxr1000k5]

Thank you for the reply. My wife has been through many medications and therapies. Some medications work for 5 or 6 years and some not at all. None are working at the moment.

we saw the phychiatrist about ECT the other day. And we have private health but its 3 days a week for 4 weeks so she wont be able to work and i will need to take time off but thats the least of our worries.

she is doing exercise at the gym and eating the right things, she is trying but......

we have spoken about marriage counseling but even if we did and put things in place to help handle things when she is depressed everything goes out the window and she says and does very hurtful things, for example on our honeymoon she took her rings off and gave them back to me and 2 hours later acted like nothing happened.

[White_Rose]

Hello Jaygsxr1000k5

It's useful you have got the good oil about ECT from the psychiatrist though it's not good your wife may need this. Being properly informed about anything helps decision making. The process sounds very long and I can see how complicated it will make your life. Has your psych given any idea about how successful this will be? I know it's difficult to make hard and fast predictions about this sort of thing and I presume the psych would not suggest it unless he thought it would help.

Do you think it may be jumping the gun to talk about marriage counselling at this stage? If your wife is going to have this treatment she will need lots of support and seeing a counsellor on the topic may well send the wrong message to her. I think I have an idea about your wife's difficulties but of course I cannot say for certain. I want to suggest that you take everything one step at a time. No point in looking too far ahead as you need to concentrate on the next step and see how that goes.

I was sad to read how she returned her wedding rings. Has she worn them since? I can see how hurtful it would have been. I still believe it would help you to see a psychologist or psychiatrist for yourself. Psychs do not usually see partners unless it is a joint therapy. Seeing someone for yourself may help you very much. What do you think?

It can be heartbreaking to see someone trying their best to get well and then 'falling over'. Your wife is certainly trying hard. Good food and exercise play a huge part in good mental health.

Mary

[Jaygsxr1000k5]

Hi mary

the success rate for ECT is about 80% so we are optimistic.

as far as the marriage counseling goes it was her idea. But it was more to help me not help how she is with me.

she put the wedding rings back on the same night but its just an example of what she does when she gets like that, it can be things like telling me to leave her or vice versa. She doesnt mean it but she says things she doesnt mean when shes angry and the next day will apologise but by now her apologies dont mean anything anymore because i know it will happen all over again.

in her defence she is trying and i know she doesnt like being this way and know she doesnt enjoy it, i just feel she uses the depression as an excuse for the way she treats me, sometimes it is which i can handle but it seems to be her go to so she doesnt get held accountable.

[White_Rose]

Hello Jaygsxr1000k5

Wow! 80% success rate sounds good. Apart from the disruption, how do you feel about it?

I think no one likes to be in the wrong and admitting it can be very painful. It seems to me that some folk have more difficulty doing this than others for all sorts of reasons. And of course we all do things without thinking about the effect. Not excusing your wife's behaviour as I can see how hurtful it has been, but she may be a person who finds being wrong unbearable. Pushing the thought away and burying it or blaming someone else, does work for a while but it seems to me that it also stops people being sensitive to others. I would love to think I was super sensitive and caring but in reality I have my moments when I wonder about what I say or do.

Once we establish patterns of behaviour it can be very hard to change no matter how much we want. Your wife is doing her best I gather from your posts and obviously needs you around. It is hard on you. Can you think of times when she has been sensitive and helpful? It may help a little to remember these times.

When I was extremely depressed I was convinced the world would be better off without me. Who wants a crabby person hanging around making life difficult for others. Well of course I had it all wrong. My family would have been devastated had I harmed myself and I know they tried to support me all the time. I felt a complete failure as a person and it took a long time to change this mindset. I doubt I had the same problem as your wife but probably on a similar path for a while.

I am concerned about you as it seems you are very unhappy. I know I have suggested this already but will you consider getting some help for yourself? I think it would help if you had more knowledge about the reasons your wife acts as she does. A decent therapist does not need to know all the details about your wife in order to help you. You have been patient but maybe it's time to help yourself as well as your wife.

Mary