My wife just doesn't understand

[Daveyb]

My wife gets annoyed and upset and all she talks about is how my cyclothymic/deppressive episodes affect her and the children.

The other day I forgot where my children were when I had to pick them up after school - it literally took me five minutes to remember they were at a friend's house.

She says I simply need exercise and fresh air, and a positive mental attitude" - and acts as if I bring it all on myself, and I'm after attention. I sleep a lot when I'm depressed, and I also get extremely forgetful - and she sees this as lazy and careless. She treats me like a burden and an idiot (probably not deliberately, but that's how I feel). But when I'm "up", I feel top of the world and everything's great. My depressive episodes are lasting longer; perhaps I've tipped into bipolar.

I have also had a serious muscular injury which has resulted in not being able to exercise at all since february, and I am missing the entire soccer season, which was something that really made me feel good. I have put on 5+ kilos since. Won't be able to even jog for a few more weeks, and she's throwing advice at me for that too, like she's an expert.

I can't try talk to her about it anymore.

Are there any resources I can point her to, other than places telling her to "help me get some fresh air"?

Thanks in advance,

DavieB

[Croix]

Dear DaveyB~

Welcome to the Forum, I hope you can receive the help you seek. I'd expect you will as there are a very large number of people here who have had difficulties with others understanding their mental illness and how it manifests itself.

I guess the first thing I ought to ask is if you are under treatment for your mood disorder and depression? While it might seem an obvious step there are some who are reluctant to do so.

If you are under treatment I'd suggest taking your wife along to see the medical personnel involved. They are most likely to be able to give your wife a dispassionate assessment of the situation. I did this when I became very ill and it was an absolute blessing. My partner had not really understood and was in fact blaming herself unnecessarily.

While I can point out the very detailed information on depression, its causes, symptoms and treatments in The Facts menu above simply reading such things doesn't have much immediacy.

I too have memory difficulties, caused by PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression and can relate exactly to that 5 minute blank.

In fairness I must say that my wife had a most difficult time when I was bad, with me not pulling my weight, being bad tempered, moody, withdrawn and unresponsive. If your wife is having trouble dealing with things can extra support, both practical and personal be organized?

Please come back and say what you think

Croix

[white knight]

Hi DaveyB, welcome

Like many relationship issues it takes two to improve the situation.

From your side you might need to accept that others perception of you (with your depression) is a negative one. Please google

Topic: they just wont understand why? - beyondblue

Topic: who cares for the carer? - beyondblue

For your wife, its a case of gettiing depression into perspective also...from their angle. They can google

Topic: depression, a ship on the high seas- beyondblue

The problem many onlookers have is their lack of capacity to comprehend symptoms common to depressants like- memory loss, lack of motivation, social withdrawal and so on. Indeed lack of short term memory is extremely difficult to live with...my wife cant get her head around it.

If you do not receive the desired attitude change then I'm sorry if I suggest you will be battling to find consistent happiness and such a sad existence would nit be assisting your mental health issues.

In that case seek counseling by Relationships Australia or your GP.

I hope I've helped

TonyWK

[geoff]

hello Daveyb, well two good replies from a couple of our 'heavy-weights', but the frustration you must be having isn't at all pleasant when you are suffering from depression, especially when everything you try and say isn't taken seriously, which indicates being naive and a total lack of understanding of this illness, depression.
All of what you have said are real indications of being depressed, and we can only make this comment by having to experience all of this ourselves, and it would be no different if we said the same thing to a brother/sister or close friend.
Can I ask you a question and only answer if you want to, how do you feel when your wife is not in the house or not with you, I think I know the answer.
Her knowledge is minimal which is unfortunate because it's a very serious illness that only seems to destroy your life, and with such criticism by her will certainly not help you get better.
You can download or get BB to send out a booklet they have put together explaining to people with and those without depression on various factors on depression, she may not want to read it now, but if it's laying around then she may have a look at it. Geoff.

[Daveyb]

Thank you al for your replies. I gently discussed it with her, and she asked me to email her some links so she could better understand. I chose some snippets and put it together in laymans terms so she wouldn't be overwhelmed or overly worried, and she finally seems to understand - although she is worried that I will hurt myself at some point.

shes also blaming herself to a degree, which I'm trying very hard to explain is not the case - although sometimes her actions can be a trigger (rare, but it happens).

she is coming with me to my next medical appointment and sees keen to help, despite the fact that when we married 10 years ago she didn't sign up for it!

shes also confused that the condition only really hit me in my mid-thirties - which is something I can't explain.

thanks again all.

[Winterfell]

Hi Davey

my husband got diagnosed when he was 52 with severe depression after we had been married for 10 years so it can come as a an adjustment to your spouse. Its great she wants to understand and help. I find lived experience accounts helpful, she might find these forums helpful to get more of an idea what you are going through and how to support. I had to learn it wasnt up to me to fix my husband and I had to stop my habit of suggesting things and rather listen and validate and only suggest if asked. Depression is a serious disorder so knowledge is power - help her to learn about and understand and hopefully it will help you both.