My son has severe anxiety and I'm not sure how to help

LeanneB · ‎18-05-2017

Hi there,

For the last 12 months or so my 17 year old son has been suffering from social/generalized anxiety. He has always been a shy boy and had difficulty making new friends. I thought it was just how he was and that he would become more confident as he grew older. He is now in Year 11 at an all boys school and has been relatively happy at this school up until Year 9. He had a few close friends who shared his love of playing soccer and everything seemed ok. Last year during Year 10 he began not wanting to attend school and I had a call from one of his friend's Mum stating that his friend was worried about him as he wasn't himself and was spending recess and lunch standing to one side and playing on his phone instead of joining in on conversations as previously. This has since become worse and he now stays home more than he attends school. He tells me he has no friends in his classes and sits by himself and doesn't talk to anyone and of course this is causing him to be miserable. He says it is too late to change anything now and he just needs to 'get through it'. He says he wants to complete school but he doesn't attend which has become a vicious cycle of not attending, missing work, having to catch up which is causing more stress. He did see a Psychologist for most of last year although this did not seem to help him much. He will be starting with a new Psychologist shortly. Any ideas on how I can help him to attend school on a more regular basis in the meantime?

geoff · ‎19-05-2017

hello LeanneB, it's awful when this happens, especially when you don't know why and he doesn't feel comfortable opening up to you and/or anybody else, but maybe something has happened at school where he has been picked on, bullied or teased, but all of these are very complex, because one could lead onto another.
It's not too late for him to change, but he has to want to change, because nobody can be helped unless they want to help themselves, and if this is the situation then he has to be slowly coaxed into believing that there is hope for him with the preemptive on the word 'believing'.
Perhaps you could think about him doing year 12 at Tafe, however I wonder whether this is just stalling or procrastinating and eventually not do it.
Does he like a trade, carpenter, electrician, brick-layer or maybe painting where he could also begin an apprenticeship, this may make him feel more worthwhile. Geoff.

Dr_Kim · ‎23-05-2017

Hi LeanneB, I think it is great that you are taking this seriously as I do really worry about the implications for your son of missing so much school. You haven't told us much about your supports and whether you have a partner to help you . If you do, that would be great to involve them at this stage as it is often a whole family effort to help re establish a child back into school.

It's great that you have a new psychologist on board and I encourage you to work together with them and the school as a "team" to help create enough safety and security for your son to feel that he is able to take some more risks .

It is important to work out what is going on for your son . Is it anxiety / mood disorder ? Or maybe undiagnosed ASD (Autism spectrum Disorder) ? Or bullying ? Or abuse ? I hope you work it out soon and get him into the right place for the right treatment as soon as possible .

And at the same time also keep chipping away at the school refusal. Even if your son attends for a couple classes a day , that is often better than not attending at all. Working with the school to ensure that he can experience a couple of good hours rather than a whole day of not so great ones at the moment might be the way to go. Then you can gradually increase the expectations on him as his confidence grows.

Now I guess we can't promise him a "stress free " environment all the time. It is an unrealistic expectation to have about life . However until your son develops the tools to manage his internal thoughts and feelings more competently, it is the job of adults around him to help him not sink.

Getting his anxiety and depression and / or self esteem issues explored and managed better is super important for whatever he decides to do. That may invoke some time in individual and / or family therapy

It may be that he needs a hand to find his way in this school ... Or it may be that he would do a lot better in a different educational environment

There are services around to aid young people to complete their education . Your psychologist might know of them , if not try your local Headspace centre.

A good example is Youth Express . But I don't know your region .. Or what his or your family situation or preferences are so its hard to say.

Good luck , get YOUR supports in place and then help him get his in place.