My son has ODD - anyone else relate? how do you manage?

[Simona]

As I have previously posted before; I have 3 children (8,10,16) .   My 10 year old has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder although  I can't help but suspect that he has some other mood disorder going on because of his sudden mood swings.  Currently we are in the process of organizing another psychologist and it has been a frustratingly slow process hampered by the fact we reside in a very rural region.

I just need to know if there is anyone out there who can relate to my disposition. Dealing with my son has taken an epic toll on us as a family unit. My partner has more or less bailed out of any family activities because he can't handle the stress.  My 8 year old is often the forgotten one in all of this because she is such a quiet polite little girl and hence very independent.  My 16 year old shuts his door and puts on his headphones.

Master 10 is a force to be reckoned with and he is almost tall as me.  God knows I love him so but I sometimes feel like I don't even know this person.  One minute he is polite and loving and the next BAM - the polar opposite.   Sadistic - to his little sister. Manipulative/lying. Aggressive. At times shows no remorse or empathy.  Or he will say sorry but he will smirk at the same time like he's just toying with you.  

Challenges everyone and has very poor impulse control. Enjoys intimidating the family dog so that she virtually crawls very low to the ground when he calls her.   Poor Miss Bandicoot Paws - she really is a living breathing barometer of his mood swings and hides under my desk here. 

I feel like such a bad mother sometimes but I'm trying my best. I don't have any vices. I don't drink, smoke, take drugs - not even panadol. I have no crutches. I'm more or less scrapping by.  I don't know what else to do. Yes i could get on some anti anxiety meds but i need to be 100% on the ball to be an effective parent.

And i don't understand him at all. Lately he is obsessed with pranking everyone so we are all on edge. His pranks are not funny. He doesn't see this and laughs like a maniac.   And seriously - he has this laugh that sounds totally unhinged.  When we hear it - partner and I brace ourselves because we know "he's 'lost' it again. 

[Simona]

I just want to say please don't get the idea he's a monster because he can be such a beautiful gentle child.

I feel almost guilty disclosing the above but i would love to hear from anyone because i feel so alone in all of this. Partner handles the stress differently to me. He just shuts everyone out and things just 'slide' off him where as i get very emotional or just want to pack up and leave which is ridiculous. Running away from my 10 year old.

I could talk to someone in town but choose not to. I live in a very small country town and everyone knows everyone plus my partner is running a business. I have to be careful because of the image thing

[Kathryne]

Simon a

I understand where you're at. Living in a small country /rural community has its own issues.

Privacy is a real issue,and the effect on a business if your "different" can be catastrophic.

Having said that I feel your right in seeking a second opinion.  I used to work with children who had asperburgers Autism and mental health issues. I saw how hard it was for the parents over 50 per cent broke up over behaviors.  The child I would say was probably my worse is now 25 a functional member of society , however his mum fought tooth and nail to obtain the correct diagnosis and appropriate medication which stabilized his moods without over sedation.  With a good health plan appropriate to your son  you can see a change and it doesn't have to be medication.my nephew had a behavior management plan individualized for him he still has small occasional outburst , however has learnt to recognize the  signs of mood changes and ways to handle it. 

Most importantly look after yourself and other children say strong

Kathryne

[Simona]

Thank-you so much for that post Kathryne.   It has made me feel hopeful.  I just got off the phone after organizing my first meeting with his new psychologist.   And I can tell you that I will be a  mess after because it's usually the way. It exhausts me and makes me want to sleep forever.

Sometimes he can be so good..so 'normal' that I catch myself staring into space thinking maybe it's me. Maybe I am too hysterical. Too sensitive.    And I feel guilty because maybe I could have handled things better/differently. And because I just haven't been able to bond with him like my other children and how that kills me inside because I love him but he is seemingly impenetrable.

[Simona]

Oh gosh.   So this is where my thread has been relocated to - except I am not in suicidal category folks (waves smiling)

What I do feel is monumentally tired  after talking about my son ie - emotionally bankrupt and drained because sometimes I end up crying.  Then I get a migraine so bad it makes me feel like i have to vomit so I need to lie down and i end up getting anxious that maybe i am infact having a brain bleed so i try to fall asleep.

[Chris_B]

Hi Simona, sorry about the mix-up. Your thread is now back in its original category. We do move posts that contain content referencing suicidal thoughts and self-harm to that section, so that our members who are triggered by that content can choose not to read it.  Sometimes when people talk about wanting to 'sleep forever' it can unfortunately mean they are feeling suicidal.  I hope that you are able to get some good rest soon.

[Simona]

That's ok Chris - I understand : )

Good news this afternoon.  For the first time my son will actually have a mental health plan put in place and further more I won't have to drive 4 - 5 hrs .

I also acknowledge that I too have some mood disorder and am not always calm as I could/should be.  I'll own that.  But given the circumstances I think anyone - disorder or no disorder would eventually get worn down.

Psychosis runs in my family - dad has it. Maybe Master 10 got it from me?    I tried to explain myself to his last psychologist at a follow up but he interrupted me with a hand signal and said he cannot listen to me any longer because it's a no no. Or something like that. He wasn't rude about it just flustered maybe and said I need to find my own practitioner .  I only spoke about myself in reference to my son but it's not allowed for some reason.

[Kathryne]

Great to read that you have been able to obtain a mental health plan. A great step . I'm also glad you are coping.

I would advise a different practioner for yourself to allow you to vent without fear of repercussions.

 As mothers we all generally state we love our children equally,  however I would disagree with that statement we are human have emotional needs and issues and sometimes one of those kids just push all the wrong buttons. Doing family day care I had one child who pushed me to my limit to this day nobody knows how much she annoyed me however mum and child never felt anything but love when in my care. It was hard but worthwhile. I wish you well on your journey, 

Kathryne

[Simona]

"Are you currently scared of your son"?

Me : No.  I'm only scared of what he may be capable of in the future

Today I'm in  hell. 

[Simona]

Being his mother takes me to places no parent should go.   I love him but...

Today I actually went to the doctor to get a referral to see a psychologist. Appoint with the mental health guy is this week mercifully.  I don't know.  I'm just running out of reserves and I don't want to be driven to breaking point where I lose control.   I want to be able to handle his outbursts without having the bile rising or thinking of just disappearing as some mothers do. 

I almost cried in the waiting room but i held myself together. 

I don't want to go on medication but I will try to just talk and let it out.  I'm so torn up inside. Part of me wants to talk but the other part is literally terrified because I don't want him taken away or be taken away myself.

Those anxiety related migraines are the least of my worries

No-one knows what it's like. He has so many faces.  He can be so loving and caring and the next BAM . His eyes change and then you know to tread carefully.