My partner says he doesn't love me anymore but I think it's his mental health doing the talking.

[Need_support]

My partner and I have been together for 7 years. We own a business that we built from nothing that we both love and are passionate about. My partner is not a talker, he doesn't express his emotions well and never has. Our relationship has always been pretty great, we are very close as a couple and neither of us ever saw a future without each other. Around 2 months ago he randomly came out and told me he wasn't happy. He explained that he wasn't enjoying the horses (our business is training horses) and that he was burnt out and felt lost. I supported him with this and he was down but we were okay. Then he started saying things such as 'I don't treat you very well' and was concerned after a particular argument we had, where we both said things we regretted, that he can't possibly love me if he speaks to me badly when we fight. He got really fixated on this and admitted it was all he thought about and felt extreme guilt. This has now snowballed to the point where he has told me he doesn't love me anymore and that we should part ways. It has gone from him feeling extremely guilty that he treats me badly (which he doesn't) to now saying his feelings are completely gone and he has checked out of our relationship mentally. He barely speaks to me now and is sometimes quite nasty towards me. I do not retaliate when he says these things I always remain calm and am careful with my words. Through all this, I have noticed signs of depression, he still goes to work but has expressed hes not enjoying it like he used to. He doesn't go to the races unless he has to which is very unusual for him. His personality has faded, the once happy, confident 'big kid' that loves to be silly has completely gone. He gets angry and agitated very easily which is not in his nature. He doesn't smile or laugh often and has said things to me like talking to people is a big effort and he can't be bothered. He is not the person he was. He has acknowledged that there is a problem with his mental health but refuses to go to a doctor. He is getting worse with these behaviors every day. I don't know if this is all to do with some form of depression and he isn't thinking clearly or has he really fallen out of love with me? My heart and my gut feeling tells me he does still love me but I am not sure and I am really struggling to cope with this. It's all getting too much.

[Guest_7403]

100% stress, anxiety and depression can cause all of these thoughts, and they will worsen if untreated.

Perhaps try gently guiding him to the GP to kick-start his journey through therapy.

Often people in these situations can also project there feelings, he may be projecting what he thinks your feeling back onto you.

Its very difficult to help someone who doesn't know they need help, continue your support, offer suggestions, try communicating at different times.

Look after yourself

[Need_support]

Thank you for your response. I have mentioned the GP and he flat out refuses so I haven't pushed him. It doesn't help that his mindset has changed from the beginning, where he felt lost and knew he wasn't right to now him thinking he's fine and just needs to break off our relationship. He also isn't sleeping well which isn't helping him to have a clear mind. He told me he is going to have a night away this weekend to think about things. I told him I supported him with this. I know he doesn't ever get a mental break because running a business is 24/7 so perhaps this could be good for him. I am so worried that he will get worse if he doesn't get help and eventually just leave me. It would break me if this happened especially because I don't think this is really what he wants.

[ConcernedSister94]

Hello

I wanted to get in touch as I experienced a similar situation with my partner a few years ago. We had been together for nearly 8 years, and I had noticed he was sleeping more and becoming really distant. I confronted him about it, and he said he didn’t love me anymore, and also fixated on things he had said previously. This came out of the blue in one sense, but looking back, I now see the signs of depression. I wrote him a really long letter, just saying everything I felt, and telling him how much I love him. After a few very intense days of talking, and a week of living apart, we realised how much we wanted to be together, and that he needed to seek outside help for his inability to address his emotions.

I have to say, he was quite reluctant to seek help, however, I told him that we could not go forward without him speaking to someone at least once. Thankfully, that gave him the gentle nudge that he needed, and he did come home after the appointment, saying it had helped. I didn’t ask anything about it, but just told him how happy I was that he had done it. He went for a further 3 sessions, and from there hasn’t felt as though he needs it anymore.

Our relationship has gone from strength to strength since!

I’m really hoping that this helps you with your situation. At the end of the day, you need to strive for your own happiness, and if your partner is part of that, you will obviously want to include them. Hopefully they will be open to speaking to someone. It honestly saved my relationship! Good luck!!

[Need_support]

Thank you so much for your response. This gives me hope that he really does still love me but needs help. At the moment he is in a head space where he has checked out of our relationship completely and just keeps saying over and over that we need to go our separate ways. I know in my heart this isn't him. I so desperately want him to go and see a doctor but he insists he doesn't need to and that there is nothing wrong. I am at a loss at to what I should do from here? If he doesn't see a doctor I think he will get to the point where he just packs up and leaves me.

[Doolhof]

Hi Need Support,

I'm sorry to read of the situation you are in. My husband and I both have mental health issues, so our relationship can get a little interesting at times.

Recently my depression has been terrible and my mind has been telling me I need to leave, that nothing is working, that life is horrible and I just need to run away. I am fortunate as I know it is my depression distorting my thinking.

There is a Men's Helpline (sorry I don't have the number available) Maybe you could suggest he give them a call or Beyond Blue and chat to a support worker.

If your partner does go away for the weekend, that may help him to clear his mind a little. It might help to just send him a short text letting him know you are thinking of him.

Does he have friends/mates who may be able to keep an eye on him? Are you in contact with his family at all?

How do you think he would react if you made a Drs appointment for the both of you and asked him to join you? I have told my husband I have needed him at the appointment so it does not sound like it is about him.

Beyond Blue have information on their website around depression and how to help someone who has it.

Wishing you well in all of this.

Regards from Dools

[Need_support]

Thank you for your response. I know that he won't access any of those supports you mentioned because he believes that he is all fine now and that he just needs to end our relationship. I have let a couple of his friends in on what is happening so that they can keep an eye on him and support him if he does say anything or try to open up.

I get along well with his family but he has told me that if I tell them anything he will leave straight away. His family will be my last port of call.

I am so worried that if he does end our relationship that he will spiral out of control and then have regrets later. If I am not around he won't have support and I know he won't talk to anyone. I am worried things could get really bad for him.

We have so much together and I just know he isn't thinking clearly. He has never wavered once in the whole 7 years we have been together. It is just breaking my heart to hear him say these things.

Thank you for your suggestions I will take a look on the website and keep in touch with him over the weekend at some stage.

[ez007]

Hi Need support, im in the exact same situation now, How did this turn out for you?

[blue-bell]

Hi, I'm sorry you were going through this... I am now too. How did things turn out for you?