My partner, his stage 1 dementia mother and her refusal to sign POA

[Anroca78]

Hi everyone,
I write to a particular group of BB members in desperation to hopefully receive guidence, personal experience stories, advice etc. I hope my simple title helped to explain my dilemma . There is so much involved discussion and explanation to this question that I don't wish to confuse readers due to the mention of the word dementia, it's such a broad subject so I will be blunt and precise as much as I can. I want to hear from BB members who have experienced this type of situation. A son is refused POA. His mother downgraded from stage 2 to stage 1 or medically titled low care dementia is her recent diagnosis. She is fully aware how of how POA works. This is a trust issue for her, and believes that her son will access her money in a dishonest way as soon as she signs it and believes that it'll only be a matter of time that she'll be bullied by her own son to sign it. That his her own words, that is what she says to people who bring up the subject of POA.. I will leave it at that. For those who reply, I will explain more and answer your questions truthfully. I also will promise that I will not use this opportunity to bad mouth his mother. What I need is to hear from you. If you are reading this and are saying" oh yeah..I know exactly what you are talking about" please reply. People in our lives who have had to request POA from their loved one, never had refusal! So please reply!! Thankyou for reading this:)

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Anroca78,

Thank you for your post and for sharing what's been happening with your family. POA is a really tricky one, and yes, I can somewhat relate. For me, it was my parents and their sisters/brothers although I was apart of that too.

Can I ask what's prompted your partner to ask for a POA in the first place? Has he shared his own worries about why he wants one and how he feels it's going to be beneficial to her?

I wonder if maybe the other option (or at least in the meantime) he can look at other documents such as a Medical Enduring POA or a general non-enduring POA (which is temporary and the mother can specify/limit the financial access). Each state is different within their laws so it can be helpful to look into that and see what the options are.

A POA is naturally about control and the fear of losing it - so the more that the mother gets to understand her own rights and responsibilities the more comfortable she'll be.

I hope this helps

rt

[Anroca78]

Hi Romantic, Thank you soo much for replying. His urgency to set up POA began as soon as ACAT assessed her. They told him about POA. Same with GP, Dementia Specialist, Dementia Assessment team, friends, even the bank. He was new at this. Centrelink told him he could access a type of partial carer payment but laws have changed and he can't receive payments until he has POA. He has looked into your suggestions but his mother has replied several times that she won't be conned into signing a damn thing. I think one of the biggest problem with her is that her stage 1 dementia has stabilised for the last 4 months. She relates her dementia to her current state. This is dementia to her, no amount of explanation of trying to get her to understand that her condition will worsen means that her obvious yet small changes eg time and loss of how to add up money ( she has 100% great physical health) is devastating to her but she can still do most things for herself. Her understable reason to not sign is because it isn't even needed yet. So why sign? Im just concerned that my partner's mental and physical health is becoming worse than his mother's. She sees the solicitor in 2 weeks. It's the final time she will be asked. If she refuses, yeah..I'm afraid that he will simply walk away from the situation with still guilt, remorse because the decision would be made purely from anger and frustration. I don't blame him for feeling that though, it's such an exhaustive existence even though it's been only 6 months. She's fearing change. He's fearing lack of change.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Anroca78,

You're very welcome. It's good to hear back from you.

This is really tricky and I feel for both you and your partner - it would make the world a hell of a lot simpler having it signed! It does make sense not signing because it's not needed yet - but of course the irony in that is that by the time it's needed it might be too late.

Does his mother understand what it would mean if it wasn't signed? Rather than just the short-term consequences but the long-term ones as well - like what that might look like for her (ie. having someone else make medical decisions (or end of life care) she doesn't really want).

I'm also wondering too what sort of support there is for both your partner and his mother - is there other family around? Or what sort of conversations are being had to his mother by the ACAT team?

This is a resource you might find useful https://www.dementia.org.au/ They have helplines/webchats and extensive knowledge on all things legal related. You can also phone them on 1800 100 500.

While it may go without saying, yourself and your partner are doing the right thing and you have the best intentions. The decisions that his mother makes is never going to be a reflection on him.

rt

[May Tee Tee]

Medical Enduring POA or a general non-enduring POA

Thankyou for sharing in this difficult time.

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

Medical Enduring POA or a general non-enduring POA is certainly something to discuss well before any illness arises this is something our family is and will continue to discuss.

[Anroca78]

Hi Romantic,
Yes. She is aware that if she doesn't sign, there will be consequences. Her words exactly are" I'm not a child. I get it. Stop with the bloody guilt trip of consequences!" Definitely gets it lol. I am glad that you asked about other family. There is a older daughter. For unknown reasons, possible feud with her mum, she walked out 4 years ago and has not been in touch since. She simply can't be contacted, and my partner has searched and searched so hard in trying to find her. Her family has not been in contact either. Since both are in the mum's will, it seems quite clear that his sister doesn't want anything to do with her mum due to the unusual and sudden departure which is out of character for his usual bossy and strong willed sister. His mum goes back next week to the Dementia Assessment team. He will definitely talk to them. Thankyou so much for the support contact information. He will gladly try anything and I know he needs desperately, government and community support. Can't thankyou enough. 💜

[Anroca78]

Hi May Tee Tee,
Thank you soo much for replying. Appreciate your support and understanding. It really is important. I can't imagine how it would feel to have a parent that just can't get that it is important for both herself and her son. Fingers and toes are crossed in the hope that her personal Solicitor can hopefully make it clearer to her that it shouldn't be feared or seen as a way of being scammed especially by a son who is simply trying to do his best.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Anroca78,

Ha! Yes - it sounds like she is well aware of the consequences!

I'm sorry to hear about the older daughter - I take it that really your partner is the extent of all of her personal support?

I really wish you the best of luck next week with the ACAT team. I used to work with ACAT so I know that they are used to having difficult conversations - and sometimes (but not always!) people can better digest things when it's coming from an outsider.

I've been trying to think of what might be helpful to say and it's hard because there's no quick fix as much as I'd like there to be. I think the one thing that's so important to remember though is what in both your and your partner's locus of control. Everything you both can do, you are doing. There's nothing that your partner is doing that would justify any guilt or remorse. The POA is a document (abit an important one), and that's all it is. But I know from experience that the impact of this one document can create big ripples - so while I'm trying to share lots of practical advice I think the really important thing is to try and be kind to yourself. You both are doing the right thing - and that is enough.

rt