My own mental health vs supporting my husband

[Olliepop]

Hello,

I feel stuck.

My husband is going through some stressful times, quitting his job/finding a new one.

He puts alot of pressure on himself, always. Has very high expectations for everyone around him also. In this includes both myself and my son. I understand my husband level of life is high, hes very tidy, ocd, etc.etc. He is also very commenty. By this i mean, if he doesnt like something he will bluntly say it, when i flag that hurt my feelings, he just says im sensitive. I have to drill it into him no, im not sensitive, what youre saying isnt right. Its not "okay".  This also comes into play with our son, hes very harsh (i feel) to him also, but i do know about that dad/son relationship doesnt need to be like the mum/son.

Whats made me bothered, is a few nights ago, i discussed with my husband how sometimes his words i can see get to our son, even if he doesnt mean it, it sounds bad. He agreeed, however the same night my husband clearly was overthinking things.. our son came to say goodnight to his dad, and hesitated if he could come hug him.. to me, thats wrong. regardless if youre mum, he hugs you more etc. 
My husband got angry and said just because im not like you stop making things up in your head.

which i saw a gaslighting... i got upset and said i open up to you, and you accuse me of making things up in my head. I left the room, and my husband hasnt spoken to me since. almost 2 full days... im so disappointed in him. there are a number of times he acts or does things and i NEVER ignore him, ever.

regardless of how mad you have gotten, id never make it uncomfortable.

Yes, he is going through it rough, and sometimes the partners cop the tough end, but man.. this one is rough.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I've experienced similar over many years in step parent situations which magnifies the problems you mention as the bloodline bond isn't there.

What I learned, if this helps, is that children adapt depending on who the person is. Many children are closer to one parent than another and that can't be altered through pressure. The boundary is if a parents treatment of a child can be classed as abusive or harmful. Your son hesitating to hug his father could be judged as hurtful/not ideal/sad and so on. Maybe potentially harmful. We champs aren't professional medical staff, we rely on lived experience so my thoughts are on this event that your son doesn't feel confident hugging his dad due to your husbands demeanour. With a family counsellor these situations can be improved.

What is also concerning is the stalemate you both are going through. My lovely wife of 13 years and I developed a few rules when we first have conflict. These rules proved to be our secret to a much happier life and I encourage you both to commit to them.

Google- beyondblue relationship strife? - the peace pipe

Finally on blunt vs sensitive people. Please google - beyondblue Highly Sensitive People (HSP). You might not fit that trait but sensitivity is in my view part of our makeup and as a sensitive person myself it is nye impossible to change. That same sensitivity gave me kindness, consideration and care, sensitivity shouldnt be classed as a negative..

The flip side is your husbands blunt persona, where some level of acceptance could be given there if you were shown how to accomplish that. We dont all know how to overcome such difficulties naturally in our learnings. What I'm suggesting is at that counsellor you could both work towards an acceptable outcome but the silent treatment is hurtful and degrading so I understand your hurt at the moment.

I hope I've helped.

TonyWK 

[therising]

This sounds like an incredibly challenging situation you and your son are facing and I feel for you, I really do. So many challenges all rolled into one.

As Tony mentions, being sensitive comes with many abilities. This touches on a definition of 'sensitive' I once heard that changed my whole way of looking at things. 'To be able to sense easily and deeply' is what leads a person to be sensitive. While I absolutely love being able to sense easily and deeply, this definitely comes with challenges. I love sensing someone or something bringing me joy or excitement or peace etc. I rely on being able to sense the need for compassion, a more open mind and so on. What I'm not so much a fan of is being able to sense what's stressful, depressing, demeaning or degrading etc. So, it becomes a matter of how do I manage being able to sense the darker side of the sensitive coin. The light or bright side of that coin is pretty easy manage most of the time. Btw, if someone says to me 'You're too sensitive' (as a criticism), I'm inclined to say 'Hell yeah, how else do you think I can sense what you just said to me?'. I've found it's not about 'toughening up', it's more so about mastering being able to sense, how to do it strategically. Emotional detachment, in favour of pure analysis, becomes a much needed skill at times.

I think sometimes it pays to ask 'Exactly what am I sensing in this person who triggers me?'. While the need for control, high expectations, OCD and a matter of fact way of speaking (without consideration for other people's feelings) can all be traits of an arrogant self serving controlling person, they can also be innocent traits of someone at the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. These are 2 very different types of people. While the first possesses traits that they may have the ability to manage but just choose not to ('Why should I have to change'), the 2nd may need help and understanding in managing certain traits. For example, someone on the spectrum may become super OCD-ish or super controlling so as to manage not feeling extreme anxiety.

I've found 'I can feel you...' or 'I can sense you...' have become more a part of my vocab over the past few years. 'I can feel you being arrogant and brutal with your words, even if you can't' is just one example. It's about stating the truth in a matter of fact way. If the response is something along the lines of 'What a load of rubbish, you're imagining all that sh**' (I've had this said to me on more than one occasion), it becomes a matter of trusting what you feel and not being led to simply imagine that's what you feel (a gaslighting factor). 'No, I can definitely feel it. I can feel /sense your degrading words and the impact they have on me. You need to become less insensitive when you speak to me otherwise don't speak to me'. This becomes a boundary setting exercise. The more exercise or practice, the stronger the boundaries become. I know, all easier said than done.

I've discovered sensitivity is a 2 way street. If we work on feeling for our partner, our kids, our friends etc (gaining a better sense of their stress and upset over having lost their job or their sadness in regard to grieving for something or someone and so on), it needs to work the other way too. If they can't feel for us at times when we need them to it can become an incredibly challenging and even depressing one way channel in some cases. Sounds like a strong and healthy channel between your and your son. ❤️