My Introduction: when anxiety meets depression.

[froggle1988]

I am British and living in Australia. I met my boyfriend (also British) here, last year.

I have struggled with anxiety for many years, at times it is manageable, but other times are very difficult. My boyfriend has been suffering from depression for the past few months. Before we met, he had been suffering for around 3 years, and although there had been periods of a few months here and there without feeling depressed, he has been mostly unhappy for some time. I think that the excitement of moving countries, and meeting someone new, alleviated his symptoms somewhat, but the underlying issues still remained.

After a couple of months of shutting off and refusing to open up, (other than to say he didn't feel great/felt down) he spoke frankly to me last week, explaining that he felt completely helpless, and didn't see the point in anything any more. He told me he felt like he was just watching his life happening, but wasn't really there. He also said that he hates himself. I checked in that he had no plans to hurt himself, and he said he wouldn't 'because of his mum'. This is having an impact on me, and on our relationship, and of course this is worsened with me being an anxious person naturally. He has told me he will seek help, and has said that he has sent e-mails seeking out some potential counselling, but I am unsure if this is true, or what exactly is happening with this.

He is a funny, loving, caring man, and at times I see glimmers of him without the depression. I love him very much. I do not want to consider breaking up with him at this time, but I also realise that this situation is far from ideal and having an impact on my own mental health. It is not a situation that can last. My own general feelings are hopeful, and I can be positive to an extent, but I am spending an awful lot of time worrying about what will happen with him, and with us, and can we survive this? On every other level we are entirely compatible.

I was wondering if anyone else has a relationship with a person with a depression, when they themselves also have some mental health difficulties, such as anxiety/depression? How do you make it work? Can you recommend any routines or ways of communicating that have made things easier?

Any advice would be so helpful, or... just a listening ear really. I feel quite lonely.

[froggle1988]

Hello Gems.

2 months have gone by since I was writing all of this and quite a lot has changed. In the end, I stayed with my boyfriend. We were very much on the brink of breaking up but somehow it didn't seem like that right choice.

Since then, he has much improved. He laughs more, and has good days, and hasn't sunk into a total depressive state for a while now, although some days he is a bit down.

Unfortunately, though, it's almost as if because I kept some of my own thoughts and feelings locked up, and lacked his support in Jan/Feb, that it is now me who is struggling more over what happened. It's almost like I am struggling to let go of that time and to progress with him, instead ruminating over things that he said and did that hurt me over that time.

He has listened to me explain and been so patient, and apologised so many times for some of his actions. But do you have any advice over how we can heal from this more? I love him and I want to be with him... and I want to forgive his depression for what it did to us. But it feels hard right now.

[uncut_gems]

Froggle,

So good to hear from you, and so glad to hear that things are starting to look up for you and your boyfriend. While you have so much to look forward to, it's only natural that you feel some bitterness and resentment about the events of those couple of months. It sounds like on some level your boyfriend knows this, and as I said in an earlier post is in the "making things right" phrase now that he is feeling a bit better and thinking more clearly. But of course that doesn't erase the events of the past.

Resentment, left unattended, can fester and lead to larger relationship problems later on. But at the same time it sounds like your boyfriend isn't quite ready yet to have a more honest conversation about his recent actions and how they affected you. This doesn't mean that you never will, or shouldn't, though. I think a great solution would be to continue supporting your boyfriend as much as possible and enjoying his good days with him, while seeking some help elsewhere (with a therapist of your own, here on the forums, with a trusted friend) to talk through these emotions.

This will allow you time to heal without taxing the situation with your boyfriend, which at the moment seems promising but maybe a bit delicate. Always happy to chat more about specifics if you want to get into it, but anyone you talk to will help you make sense of the events of the past couple of months without stirring up new trouble.

Bear in mind that it is still your prerogative to decide that you don't want to be together, or that ultimately you cannot forgive what he put you through. That said, it sounds like there is happily a path forward through all this. Would love to keep chatting 🙂

Warmly,
Gems