Please Help, I think my partner is a FIFO worker and depressed and I don’t know what to do?

[Sallyanne3001]

Hi There,

. My partner and I have been together 12 years, we have been together since we were 16/17. We now have a 2 year old little boy and we are a Fly in Fly our family so my partner goes away 2 weeks and home for a week. In about October last year our relationship hit a really difficult spot where communication was poor, needs weren’t being met and my partner prioritised his job over his family which lead to resentment from me. Come November we had hit rock bottom, he wanted the relationship over, said he didn’t want to be with me. I pleaded with him not to give up, try counseling with me and go from there.He agreed and we have had two really productive counselling sessions which all become undone as soon as he flys to work. The last 3 months have looked like, me putting in 100%, acknowledging the wrong things I was doing and changing them. Each time he has been home he doesn’t Intiate any physical contact (this is very unlike him) and I have been walking in egg shells to a degree to scared to set a foot wrong. bring us forward to a week ago, my partner was telling me how everything around him is negative, he can’t sleep in our house, he’s sick when he is home, he’s body is sore, he’s tired all the time, and doesn’t think he wants to be with me. He asked if he could go off for the day to clear his head and I agreed if that’s what he wanted he didn’t come hone till 2:30am and slept on the couch (in my 12 years with this man never has he ever done that) he has continued to tell me he doesn’t know what he wants, he just sees negative, that he’s not been trying in our relationship and we both deserve to be happy else where? I started reflecting on the bigger picture and thought maybe he is depressed? I asked him to read up on depression and he did yet still denies and says he doesn’t know if he has it or not? Yet won’t acknowledge the next step in seeking help or treatment. he doesn’t touch me anymore, ask how I am, hug me, tell me he loves me. He is a shell with no emotion walking around. he has all of a sudden under gone a few social events where he goes off drinking (again very unlike him) he’s always been a 1-2 drinks and come home to my family kind of guy. what do I do? I’m so lost and hurt? I understand if he has depression I need to take my own self out of the equation but it hurts the man I love so dearly and he is all I have is so cold to me?

have I lost him for good? Or is this depression?

[Croix]

Dear Sallyanne3001~

Thank you for coming here, not always an easy thing to do, but a good move as many here have a lot of experience.

Before I say anything else I have to say a FIFY relationship is a hard one. for many people they come home each night and family is a normal and everyday part of their lives. This include arguments, making up, having fun, accommodating the other person and all you would expect.

Living completely away from family for the majority of your life can change this and give a different perspective, where the larger part, work, can assume more importance.

Do you know of anything recently at work that would have accounted for his behavior?

I do not know if you husband has depression, only a medical practitioner can say that. I do know that many of the things you husband is sayng and doing are similar to me when depression has been at its worst.

I've not wanted to be with others, not felt love (or even if I was capable of it), not wanted intimacy, put far too much emphasis on work and had general feelings of hopelessness.

So I guess one way or another getting your husband to the doctor and having all the current situation explained is probably the most useful thing you can do. Not easy I know, though if he was willing to get counseling maybe he will agree.

If you are unable to get him to do this is there anyone you can think of that might?

This is a most stressful and worrying time for you, may I ask if you have family or the support of a freind. Having someone who you can lean on, be frank with, and who cares makes a big difference. My wife had her mum and that helped heaps both emotionally and practically too.

Yes it certainly does hurt, there are many here who understand exactly that. Please do come back and talk some more

Croix

[Tay100]

Hi Sallyanne3001

Firstly, it's really good that you have reached out and want to be heard; this is a great caring, non-judgemental space to get help.

Secondly, it's important to remember that the fact that you are so in tune to his (changed) behaviour and want to help him and do something positive is not to be underestimated, even when it sounds like things are really taking a toll on you too.

For something like this, where your loved one's behaviour (and thier sometimes apparent lack of explanation for thier behaviour) can cause unintentional hurt, confusion or resentment between you, I'd recommend seeking out professional help. It's the most efficient, safe and productive thing to do. They can identify what's wrong and then act accordingly- meaning time isn't wasted and you will be actually empowered to help him in the right way instead of acting out of helplessness like sometimes couples do.

Feel free to keep us updated, sending hugs 🙂

[Tay100]

Hi Sallyanne3001

I was just wondering how you were travelling since you last posted...how are things? Has there been anything that has helped you and your partner? Is there any way we can provide you with further help? Feel free to let us know, if you feel comfortable.

Sending kindness,

Tay100