My Introduction: when anxiety meets depression.

[froggle1988]

I am British and living in Australia. I met my boyfriend (also British) here, last year.

I have struggled with anxiety for many years, at times it is manageable, but other times are very difficult. My boyfriend has been suffering from depression for the past few months. Before we met, he had been suffering for around 3 years, and although there had been periods of a few months here and there without feeling depressed, he has been mostly unhappy for some time. I think that the excitement of moving countries, and meeting someone new, alleviated his symptoms somewhat, but the underlying issues still remained.

After a couple of months of shutting off and refusing to open up, (other than to say he didn't feel great/felt down) he spoke frankly to me last week, explaining that he felt completely helpless, and didn't see the point in anything any more. He told me he felt like he was just watching his life happening, but wasn't really there. He also said that he hates himself. I checked in that he had no plans to hurt himself, and he said he wouldn't 'because of his mum'. This is having an impact on me, and on our relationship, and of course this is worsened with me being an anxious person naturally. He has told me he will seek help, and has said that he has sent e-mails seeking out some potential counselling, but I am unsure if this is true, or what exactly is happening with this.

He is a funny, loving, caring man, and at times I see glimmers of him without the depression. I love him very much. I do not want to consider breaking up with him at this time, but I also realise that this situation is far from ideal and having an impact on my own mental health. It is not a situation that can last. My own general feelings are hopeful, and I can be positive to an extent, but I am spending an awful lot of time worrying about what will happen with him, and with us, and can we survive this? On every other level we are entirely compatible.

I was wondering if anyone else has a relationship with a person with a depression, when they themselves also have some mental health difficulties, such as anxiety/depression? How do you make it work? Can you recommend any routines or ways of communicating that have made things easier?

Any advice would be so helpful, or... just a listening ear really. I feel quite lonely.

[uncut_gems]

Hello froggle,

Fellow forum newbie and foreign national living in Oz here, reporting in. First of all welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing what's been going on with you. Please know that no matter what happens I have read your post carefully, taken it to heart, and I hear you. My partner and I both struggle with mental illness and there have been times (low points in our relationship) where we were having difficulties that really ended up being one or the other going through a difficult time mentally. As she got healthier, so did our relationship. It's only natural that the mental health of one or more partners in a relationship will affect the relationship itself.

Being someone's partner means making a commitment to them, sticking by them when things get tough and having their back. But it doesn't mean that you are tied to them indefinitely if being together stops being healthy. With that said, it truly sounds to me like you have a very communicative partner in touch with his own emotions, and the fact that the articulated his real desperation to you means that there is a trust there that will be absolutely essential moving forward. It's a cliché, but communication really is key.

I think it is important to respect your partner's privacy regarding his correspondence, and it sounds to me like you are reasonably certain he doesn't have plans to harm himself. However I think it is important to emphasize that you just want to know what's going on, and that you won't be angry or upset to find out that he hasn't been as successful in reaching out for help as he says he has. Remind him that you two are partners and teammates and that you are on the same side, and be reassuring in telling him that he will get the help he needs, even if your personal anxiety is giving you some doubts.

Things may seem tough but you guys are in a great starting position, as you sound communicative, supporting, and emotionally intelligent. Please don't despair as from my perspective it seems like you are slated to beat this and return to what sounds like a very happy relationship.

Warmly,

Gems

[froggle1988]

Thank you so much, Gems. I've read your message over a few times because it has really given me some hope. It has only been over the last few days that I have reached out to speak about what is going on and you're right - me and my boyfriend are still talking about things and that really is key.

I have also spoken to my mother about what's going on - my boyfriend said that I could talk to whoever I needed to - and she's been reassuring too.

I will be asking my boyfriend about the progress with finding a therapist, and will be understanding whatever he says. I have also decided the best thing I can do for the both of us is work on my own mental health - scheduling in meditation each day, exercise, etc. which I know will make ME feel better, whilst also planning some fun things for he and I to do together each week.

I realise if I can make myself more stable emotionally, then that will be beneficial whatever happens with me and my boyfriend as time progresses.

Is there anything that you/your girlfriend particularly appreciated being said/unsaid in times of difficulty?

[uncut_gems]

I'm so glad to hear that froggle– I genuinely mean it. What you've described– confiding in your own support network, making sure you have fun things planned together, and minding your own health, are exactly the right moves. The fact that your boyfriend encouraged you to talk about this with whoever you need to is also very important– it means that 1. he recognizes this may be tough on you and you may need to discuss it with others to work through it in a way that he can't right now and 2. he trusts your judgment and that of your loved ones.

Things between my girlfriend and I were made a bit complicated by the fact that we were/are long distance (graduate students in different states), so because I wasn't with her very often it was hard for me to recognize that something was wrong. It was her initiative and self-knowledge that led her to therapy and eventually medication. I think one thing to remember is that it's difficult but also important to strike a balance between being helpful (offering practical, solution-focused advice), and being supportive (just listening, being there with him, acknowledging that what he's going through sucks).

In my experience people really appreciate a partner who knows when it's appropriate to be helpful, and maybe even more importantly, when there's nothing helpful to do other than to listen and sit with them, helping them to hold this thing they're grappling with.

It really sounds like you guys are on the right track– please let me know how things are going!

Warmly,

gems

[froggle1988]

Hi Gems,

Thanks again. Last night, my boyfriend and I had arranged to meet, but he text me and said 'I'm not in a good mood and won't be good company.' I had to assess things and keep my own anxiety in check - sometimes it's hard not to take things personally. I considered giving him an evening to himself, but we hadn't seen each other this week so I told him I was still going to come over, didn't mind if he was 'good company' and that we could just watch something funny together. I said if he wanted me to go home after, I would. But it was nice enough although he did, at times, feel very distant, he is still OK with cuddling and holding hands.

I think he appreciated me coming over. It's hard to strike a balance between giving him space sometimes, and other times ignoring his wish to be alone because I know when he isolates himself like that, he's just ruminating and feeling worse and worse.

We didn't talk about anything serious last night, because like you said, there's a balance between support and solutions. This morning, though, I asked him if he'd made any progress with organising some therapy/counselling. He told me he'd heard from two and scheduled appointments, one for next week. Again, I had to hold off on my own feelings of - Why didn't he tell me that before? Why doesn't he open up to me more? and instead just expressed that I thought that was very positive.

I think if we get through this, we can get through A LOT, because I'm using so many strategies to keep myself calm and with all this practice, I'm going to become a master!

Thank you again for your support, it means a lot.

[uncut_gems]

Hi Froggle,

Apologies for the late reply– hope you had a nice long weekend. It sounds like you are doing everything exactly right. Putting your own concerns and feelings on hold for your partner is really hard, but as long as you are able to talk to someone else about them it should be just fine in the short term. Any updates?

[froggle1988]

Hi Gems,

Thanks for replying. I feel things have taken a turn for the worse.

My boyfriend did a couple of things over the weekend which really distressed me. I had travelled elsewhere to see family, and also to try and take a break from the situation slightly. My boyfriend also went to see a friend somewhere else. He disappeared from contact for 24 hours with no forewarning. This has been the first time he has ever done this and to be honest, I got really scared. I didn't know if he'd arrived at his destination, whether he was OK, anything. When he finally did get in touch, he said it had been stupid to turn his phone off and not let me know, but did not really offer an explanation as to why he did this. I said that I am here for him, but there is a limit, and ignoring me and not keeping me in the loop for that long, after he's discussed suicide already, is beyond what I am willing to accept. I told him if he is too depressed to text, but yet can travel for 5 hours to another place, then it doesn't seem he wants to make effort with our relationship. A text to say he's OK is a minimum for me.

He said he understood and he was sorry. When I arrived home Sunday night, he was there, which was a nice surprise. He seemed OK, although quiet, which is the norm at the moment. In the morning, he was answering my questions, said bye in a normal way, etc. I didn't hear from him all day but that's not unusual at work. Then, in the evening he text me saying 'I'm sorry'... then wouldn't answer his phone. I had no idea what he was apologising about, and panicked. After lots of attempts, I finally got through, and he was crying and saying he wasn't coping, he couldn't make me happy. I asked to come round to be there with him and he refused.

Later he sent me a message (which he immediately deleted, but I'd already seen) saying 'I want you to be happy. Shit like what happened today is unfair. I am a cancer. It doesn't get better.'

I told him I'd seen the message, and said 'It seems you're really emotional at the moment. I don't think any useful discussions, or rational decisions, can be made in this headspace. You're not a cancer, and whether you can accept it or not right now, I love you. The best thing to do now is get some sleep.' I haven't heard from him since, and I haven't contacted him again. I don't know what to say. I want him to come back to me.

It's bad- I feel so angry at him. Therapy has only just begun. He needs to work for us. I don't understand why he isn't.

[uncut_gems]

Hi Froggle,

I'm so sorry to hear about these troubling new developments. Once again, it sounds like you are doing an admirable job balancing your own dignity and happiness with that of your boyfriend.

You are right that behavior like that is not acceptable in a relationship, and I hope he understands that something like that cannot happen again. It sounds like your boyfriend is in need of more help than you can give him at the moment, which can be a painful and frustrating thing to realize.

Make clear to your boyfriend, as you already have, that your love for and confidence in him is unwavering (even if that isn't the case right now). Get in touch with a close friend or family member of his and do not be shy about sharing your concerns about his behavior– you can't be expected to monitor his wellbeing 24/7.

Take care of yourself as much as you can– your instinct to get some space for a while is a good one, and this scare shouldn't stop you from continuing to follow that. Just like with the oxygen mask in an airplane, you won't be any good to anyone unless you're in decent shape first. Does his therapist know about these new developments?

Stay strong,

Gems

[froggle1988]

Dear Gems,

I have taken the difficult decision to end my relationship with my boyfriend. On Tuesday night, he arrived at my house and said he wanted to break up. I basically packed his stuff up and said if that's what he wanted, he should go, but I think it's a stupid idea, given that he hasn't tried everything to get himself better. I felt angry, frustrated, and upset. But I was not going to cling to him.

He didn't leave with his stuff, but instead said he was going for a walk. When he came back, he said he didn't want to break up, and he wanted to get better. I thought this might mean a turning point for us, and he might be more considerate to my feelings.

However, unfortunately, if anything he has become even more cold. He ignored my messages subsequently, following that evening, and then this morning, when through message, I asked about plans for the weekend, he told me 'I won't be seeing you.' When I queried why, he said 'Because I don't want to'. He immediately deleted it, but it broke me. I am the only one who really wants to be in this relationship right now. He isn't speaking to me kindly. He isn't the man I knew. He doesn't want this and I'm done with fighting him over it. I believe he can get better, I believe he wants to get better, but I can no longer believe he loves me, or wants to be with me. He hasn't told me he loves me since 27th December. He hasn't asked me about my life in any way since 2020 began. It's breaking my heart and I have to walk away. I have told his friend I am doing so, so I know someone else is there to support.

I of course hope this might only be temporary, until he sorts himself out. But if only person wants a relationship, it is no longer a relationship. Depression or not, it's a fact I have to face. I feel so guilty, but I've put everything into this relationship and have gotten nothing back. We have only been together since last summer, so this downwards spiral since November, and the horrible way that 2020 has been so far, make up a big majority of our relationship.

I hope he gets better. I hope he comes back to me. I'll be there if he wants me again. But I can't do this anymore.

[uncut_gems]

Froggle,

The decision to end a relationship is never easy, especially when the mental health of one or both partners is involved. Once again it seems like you are very wise and introspective about your situation, and made the right decision. I hope that he gets the help that he needs and even if you are not able to get back together, that he will attempt to make amends and have one another in your lives, if that is what you both want.

Often when people start to feel better only then do they feel they have the energy or will to explain their actions, apologize, and make things right. It sounds like on some level he already knows this, but it may be some time before he is well enough to articulate that.

Best of luck in your future endeavors– be sure to give yourself all the alone time you need, and to surround yourself with friends and fun activities when you feel up to it. You have a strong sense of what is owed to one another in a relationship and you deserve someone who can provide that for you, especially so close to the beginning.

I hope you'll continue to stick around the forums whenever you need someone to talk to or some advice– I'll be here.

Warmly,
Gems