my husband is severely depressed

[Fallon]

My husband has always been a quiet guy, has no real social skills unless he's been drinking or taking drugs, in which case he seems "normal".  He has never ever taken an interest in our child and basically ignores him and seems to enjoy just wallowing in his own misery.  He's incredibly lazy if he's not at work and won't even shower or change his clothes.  I think he's a bit damaged from a bad childhood and may have a genuine mental problem but he won't go to the docs except for antidepressants which don't seem to work for him. Lately we've separated, he's lost his job and he sits around looking glum and doing nothing, just spreading the negative vibes.  We're still sharing the house but I fear what will become of him when me and our son leave.  We're trying to sell the house.  He is totally uncommunucative.  Is there hope for a man like this?  

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[JessF]

Hello Fallon, I imagine things have probably been very difficult for you, but based just on what you have written it doesn't sound like you're very sympathetic to your husband's depression at all.  In fact, you sound quite disparaging of him as a person.  Everything you describe above are symptoms of depression, yet you sound skeptical of this 'may have a genuine mental problem'.

Have you ever offered to go to the doctor's with him?  Get a referral to a psychologist from the doctor to help him with these problems, including the drugs and the drinking?

The whole way you talk about him, especially 'he's lost his job and he sits around looking glum and doing nothing, just spreading the negative vibes.' ... you make it sounds like everything is his fault and he wants to be this way. As someone with severe depression, I can assure you that he does not.  

In answer to your last question, is there hope for a man like this? With the right help and support, yes. It doesn't sound like he has that at the moment.

[doyoulikemyhat_]

Hi Fallon

As a partner of a depressed person I get where you're coming from. You try and try to be supportive but at times you're just plain tired out and you sound as though you've reached your limit.  Also seems as though you're trying 'tough love' and that hasn't helped either ? 

I have no real advice, just didn't want you to think you're alone.  

Hopefully once he's by himself and perhaps with his family around he can reach out to a professional  and get some help.  I believe there is hope. 

[Pixie15]

Hi Fallon,

First up I believe there is hope. People do recover from depression. It can be difficult for carers and sometimes I think the gap in understanding between carers and sufferers appears insurmountable. The fact that you have posted here shows that you have concern for your partners welfare.

It is probably important for your own peace of mind and your partner's welfare that you do not leave him in this isolated state. Will your partner have any support from family and friends when you finally sell the house and split? Because this might be a difficult time for him especially as he has also lost his job.

I am also wondering what support you have for yourself during this time. The fact that you have run out of coping ability suggests that you have not been able to maintain your own self care. Carers NSW have an online interactive Mental Health Foundations for Carers. If you want to have a look at that it might help you to understand where you are at.

There is also a very good publication on the site here for Carers which could help.

cheers,

Pixie.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Fallon, thanks for posting. We hope you are able to gain support from others from doing this. It sounds like a very tough situation with your husband Fallon, it sounds like he is really struggling and we can understand that you are concerned about him.

We believe there is always hope for anyone who is experiencing depression. It is a treatable condition and people do recover from it.We wonder if your husband has gone back to his doctor to talk about the anti-depressants not working.

Sometimes a person may need to have the dose altered or try a different anti-depressant to find what is most effective. Also, medication alone is often not enough and it is best combined with counselling and therapy which treats depression.

A GP can provide a referral under a mental health care plan which means your husband could access ten visits to a psychologist with a Medicare rebate.We suggest you encourage and support your husband to consider seeing a psychologist by expressing care and concern for him and letting him know the specific changes and behaviour you've observed which makes you concerned e.g. not caring for himself by not showering or changing clothes.

If he is unwilling to seek futher professional help Fallon you could contact your local mental health service to discuss his current condition with them and they may be able to send someone to see and assess him and determine the best course of action.

You, and your husband if he is willing to, are both welcome to contact the beyondblue support line which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 for information, referral and brief support for depression and anxiety. We also offer a webchat service between 3pm and midnight AEST daily. You can access webchat through the link at the top right of the screen. Take care Fallon.