My husband is depressed

[Sady]

I fear my husband has had depression for quite some time. Only lasts 2 years at a job then we have to move.Each time, I leave my job,everythib we know,All in hope that he hates it where we are, and I hope the fresh start will help him out. Hes seen doctors, but unfortunately he doesn't devolve the full truth so I don't feel he gets the help he is needed. 

We left our last town because he hated it and kept talking of killing himself all the time. He said he never would,but still hurts hearing it. Especially when he'd say it around our 4yr old son.Which he never really interacts with. He's always tired,or just tells me to go.Never wanted to watch him with sport,do daycare dropoffs,put him to bed,nothing very often at all. 

So off we go for a fresh start,it has been hell. I am not working for the first time as kindy hours don't allow much.But we moved knowing that would b the case as I had to quit to move states. Now everything is ,I sit around all day, his money, I don't work so I'm expected to do everything.Most points i tend to agree, the house is always clean,son is well looked after,tea always cooked,but still feel it's not enough for him. I'm always im trouble for somthing.I realise with depression that he may not mean the things he says its just his frame of mind atm so I try real hard and not let it get to me. 

The abuse grows daily,including our son. I give him his space,let him go drinking,he basically has no rules except to try and include us in some of his outings please.  

He throws/kicks things,still wants nothing to do with our don, calls him names, doesn't do school drop offs, went to the park cause he begged him too, after 10min he got shitty and wanted to go home. Calls me names constantly. I keep telling him I love him im here for him but I think u need help, he'll admit depression and agree to help, few days later deny again.

last night he told me that this isn't working and wants to break up with me. I'm devastated. After much talk he's agreed to go see a councillor but I can't help dwelling on the fact he said what he said. He's happy at work comes home and miserable so it must be my fault. 

I can't stop crying I'm so lost. I've always supported him, through his mistakes that have hurt me in the past he says he regrets (cheating/dvo), but now he wants to pull the pin. I'm hurt but angry, after all I've put up with now suddenly he gets to end things??? 

please only kind words I can't deal with any negativity today.

many thanks.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sady, thank you for posting.

We can see from your post that your husband is behaving in a way that is causing you great concern. He is showing signs of depression and unfortunately it sounds like he is not making any effort to address it. We can see how much this is impacting on you and your son. We can appreciate how distressing and utterly devastating it would be to continue to witness this cycle of maladaptive behaviour and abuse, especially when it is directed at you 4 year old son.

You have mentioned that your husband has been drinking a lot. Firstly it is important to be aware that alcohol is a type of drug in the family of depressants. This means that it can trigger an episode of depression, make symptoms much worse and make it difficult for someone to recover from depression. Although people can increase drug and alcohol use in response to depression and other mental health issues to help with symptoms in the short-term, in the long-term it is not helpful. Alcohol or drug misuse can stop any treatment from having a positive effect. This is an important issue to address, though can certainly be a challenge.

There is more information about this on our website.

In relation to his behaviour and the abuse directed and you and your son we want to clearly say that this is not okay Sady. Depression is not an excuse for abuse and you should not have to put up with this. It is particularly important that your son is not subjected to the abuse you have described. For children, simply witnessing violence like this impacts on their development and can cause life long problems. What you are describing all fits within a family violence framework Sady. It can be very hard to understand that things are not okay when you are used to a situation or used to certain types of interactions.

Domestic and family violence is a pattern of abusive behaviour in an intimate relationship or other type of family relationship where one person assumes a position of power over another and causes fear. It is also known as domestic violence, family violence or intimate partner violence.

You can find out more information here:

We are worried for your on-going safety and your well-being. We strongly encourage you to get in touch with 1800RESPECT, our national family violence service, to get more information and support around your home situation.

1800 RESPECT
Phone: 1800 737 732
Hours: 24/7
Website: www.1800respect.org.au

1800RESPECT can help you to make a safety plan, however If you ever feel in immediate danger know that you can call 000 for emergency services to attend.

Sady we can see that you have been concerned about your husband’s safety at times when he has spoken about suicide. It is very important that you take warning signs seriously. You can ask him if he is considering suicide and if he has any plans. This won't put the idea into his head, but will encourage him to talk about his feelings. His safety is your main concern and you need to do whatever it takes to get him the help and support he needs.

There are some practical things you can do to help. For example, don't leave him alone, and remove any means of suicide available (weapons, medications, alcohol and other drugs, access to a car). Encourage him to get support from a health professional. Try to give him hope. Ask him to promise that he will reach out and tell someone if suicidal thoughts return. It is important that he is seeking help, and if he is not willing to get help for himself and he is at serious risk of hurting himself or ending his life it is important you do so on his behalf.

You can take the first step in doing this by:
- Speaking to a doctor
- Calling the local Mental Health Team (you can find the number in your local phone directory, or by calling his local hospital)
- Supporting him to attend the emergency department of the local hospital
- If he is at immediate risk of hurting himself or ending his life call 000 for emergency services to attend.

Sady we hope our message has been helpful for you. Please remember that you and your son deserve health and happiness too. Please do not put up with abuse. There is help out there for you. Know that we are always here for you too. You are also very welcome to call our support and information line on 1300 22 4636 if you have further concerns or questions.

We are available 24 hours and we are here to help in anyway that we can. We also have web chat service available from 3pm-midnight 7 days a week, you can access this from our website:

[Carmela]

Hi Sady,

I am sorry to read about the challenges in your marriage.  Sophie_M has provided you with some sound advice, but l would like to add one more point. From my experiences as a carer, until your partner wants to get well, he will continue his current lifestyle without consideration of those that love him. There is a huge difference between caring for a spouse who has an illness which they can and want to recover from, and being a carer that supports their partner in continuing their selfish lifestyle.

You are just as important to yourself and your son. Your husband’s challenges are not about you. As much as we love and want to support them, it’s their journey.  Please consider reaching out to family and friends or seek help from others sources. Carer Australia provides counselling and advice and is a wonderful first point of call.  Getting some professional support for yourself could be really helpful.

I would like to reiterate one last point that Sophie_M made - abuse of any form is not acceptable. You deserve respect and love. As carers, we provide hope and recovery but not at the degradation of our own self-worth. You are a courageous and loving wife and mother. Accept nothing else.

Send you love on your journey Sady. 

[Kathryne]

Hi Sady,

I will state that both Sophie and Carmela have provided some great options.

I totally agree with Carmela, its not all right for your husband to abuse you in any way, physical, emotional, sexually. Your 4year old son does not need to witness these events.

It is not your fault , and maybe ending the relationship is the best way forward for you and your son. Do you have family that can assist you during the adjustment phase.

Kathryne

[geoff]

dear Sadly, hi and welcome to the site.

There have been some many good points sent to you for you to consider and to think about.

Can I just say is when somebody with depression says to their partner/spouse that they want to be alone and for the relationship/marriage to finish could be true, but what they don't want is to be left by them self, because that's how I felt, I wanted my wife to leave or I would leave instead, but really I didn't want this to happen.

Of course this can differ from marriages/relationships, because there could be abuse happening, and this certainly is not satisfactory nor accepted, and in which case you do need to leave.

If you feel at all threatened or your son has been then it's time to give him his marching orders or you find other accommodation.

People in depression who threaten suicide to their partner generally do it when you least expect it to happen, as for myself I did it when my wife had a stern talk with me and then went shopping.

I had been drinking alcohol and it was on the spur of the moment, and by continually moving residences is not going to solve his depression, although initially it may seem as though it has, but after awhile it will just go back to how he was feeling.

You can't run from the problems, they will always follow you, so he has to stand up and accept that he needs urgent help, and if he is not happy with his doctor he has to find another one, or generally this means that you have to do it for him, and for him to have the courage to front up and see him/her. L Geoff. x