My Fiance'

[Trine]

Hi my name is Kat and I had to make the heartbreaking decision to cancel my wedding, my fiance has had a mental breakdown, my wonderful supportive engaging fiance' left on a work trip interstate 5 weeks ago and returned to Adelaide 3 weeks ago but hasn't come home, I know that he's safe, I am stunned, angry, shattered, we were getting married in 4 weeks. We haven't seen each other since he's been back, we text daily but his mood flucuates he swings from anger to tears he's not sleeping, he says that he trys everyday to come home, he is seeking help, but his therapist recommends that he be on his own to sort his issues out Is this a normal treatment plan??? I don't know...... we have been together for 5 years, living together for the past 2.5 yrs and been engaged for about 18 months. I just don't know what to do, I'm trying to understand and be supportive but I end up getting really angry. he tells me that he loves me but doesn't want me to see him in such a state, He's has a history of depression and until now I never saw it

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Kat,

Too bad you can't visit him (as per a hospital visit) because your support would be the best thing for him during this mental breakdown.    We all know Weddings are a big pressure but when you cancel something that big you'll get interrogated by family and friends for the reason which I'm sure will be difficult for you to cope with.  Probably why I would tell the therapist you're coming to visit anyway.  It wouldn't be the first time he's/she's been told to go f**k himself/herself.  Your fiance is just a number to the therapist.  You really should be allowed access.  Ask questions.

You gotta rescue your man.   There are other treatment centres closer to you and if your relationship lasts you'll need to be responsible for further admissions or problems.   A quick look around the health situation in your area and organising some treatment and a transfer would be just a small bit of admin for you.   The main thing is to make the supreme sacrifice of NOT blaming him as then the previous years of building up a great relationship to the point of marriage would be wasted.  Do some kick boxing or running to burn up the anger and help you sleep.

When I met my wife I had an overseas trip and got manic.  Eventually I got home and she visited.   Somehow, the sheer acceptance and support from her (and she suffered discrimination from my family too) was the only thing that mattered.  Drugs, treatment, etc, will be tinkered with and changed willy nilly all the time but a solid relationship is the only thing that matters.   There's a lot of judgement re marrying a mentally ill person.  Stand by for some unhelpful abuse too.  "I know he's mad but he can't help it and I love him" shuts up most people.  When I had more opposition with my fiance I think I even said "Look, even if she was a mass murderer I'd still marry her cos I love her.  DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ???".

Then your marriage will always be open and honest.

Adios, David.

[Trine]

Hi David,

Thanks for your thoughts, my fiance  isn't in a treatment centre he is living in a granny flat I'm not sure exactly where, and he won't tell me I am really angry at his therapist but again I have no idea who he/she is.

I am trying really hard not to blame him, but i'm angry that I've been left to cancel everything and then contact all the guests by myself. I'm actually in the health care field but it is so very different when you are living this nightmare. and you are so right about the family and friends response!

 I thought we had pretty good communication but now he's not saying much, I'm tyring to hang in there, but living in limbo is really hard. waiting everyday for him to walk through the door. and trying to hold it together when he doesn't, I've asked him if it was something I did to cause this.

[geoff]

dear Trine, we often say to people to seek help and advice from close people around them, true, however when his therapist 'recommends that he be on his own to sort his issues out' well this doesn't happen or it can't happen, because we just sit in the hole only thinking of negative thoughts, so no progress can be made.

Sure the depressed person may want to be on their own, just like myself, only because I could drink alcohol with no one complaining, but it didn't help me.

Your right you can work in this field but it's totally different when you have to encounter it yourself, it just raises the bar.

I don't like the idea of him living in a granny flat, there by himself and no support, and this must be very frustrating for you, and is going to affect your own health.

I'm really sorry about the wedding being cancelled, but it maybe able to happen in the long run, I hope that he returns home to you and please look after yourself. L Geoff. x

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Trine,

Let's be boring.     It's great that you have some awareness of "trying really hard not to blame him" but it should be a reciprocal awareness for you of where he is and when can you visit him.   If the therapist believes less stimulation is the way to go then just visit in a less stimulating manner.  Just sit in the room.  Don't even talk.   This is called therapy.  Just acknowledging each other in a passive way.   Cancer victims and coma patients rely on this basic interaction to get better.

I was gonna say "It doesn't matter that only you have to cancel the Wedding" but that might get taken as lacking in empathy.   So, let's do an ex instead.   You haven't heard from a friend for a while - eventually there's a stand off, you know, it's her turn to call you first, but, does it really count ?  Surely a friendship should be devoid of this kind of who should have done what, where, etc.   It's not possible to put YOU into the cause of the depression.   Normally there are many factors involved and many possibilities.   If there's been a trigger anywhere you probably wouldn't have been able to spot it even if you were Stephen Hawkins.  

If "living in limbo" is where you're at then just plan day to day.    My first thought when I initially read your thread was actually "Get in the car, with the wedding dress, and go stash it at a friends house so you don't have to look at it or even have it in the same house with you".   Sorry that family and friends don't always take time to understand.   In 20 years time when you relive these days those same unhelpful people will still be............unhelpful !   But you would have moved on.

I guess there's the old adage about "Money is replaceable but a good relationship isn't".  Maybe you can sell the Wedding date on ebay and a Church should be compassionate enough to refund their booking.  And Auntie Effie that booked and paid for her return flight from New Zealand can just spend a weekend with the best man. Lol.

Adios, David.

PS  It's the right time when it's the right time.  Tell the therapist you're interested in visiting and doing an hour or so of "palliative care".  Google it.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Kat,

I once holed up in part of the house and, when concerned kids and partner ousted me, I lashed out and the local DOCS stepped in for support and counselling.

I'll always remember what the main psychiatrist said:   "It's pretty much the same as if an injured dog is hiding under a chair.  When you poke the dog to get him out you get further displacement or even aggression".   That's why I mentioned you probably have to be zero threatening and passive for the time being on visits.

Your long list of questions can be relevant at another time.  When he's better and you've got your life back together too.   Until then it's hide and seek.   I just thought a quiet meeting (however much at arms length) at least indicates that you are not going to cut his balls off and fry them up for breakfast.  Or something like that.  The Christian value of forgiveness coupled with your understanding of "He couldn't help it" would be equally as valid.  Blame is a great divider and you need understanding.

As a man,  a bit of boof head larrikency would be worth a try.   "All that money we've just wasted could have gone on a really amazing boob job".    But I know you're still sensitive to the sudden situation so better back off now with that line of rough house therapy.    A more politically correct version would be "So you really didn't like the fact that we decided on Peach Melba with Vanilla Ice Cream instead of Apple Pie with Custard for the Wedding Dinner Desert".   I don't know - humour can break most difficult situations.  It's a delicate balance.    A distressed fiance would be caught off guard enough to actually then talk to you (therapist or not).

Adios, David.

PS   What are you telling the people you work with ?  That it's postponed ?   That your boyfriend is really not well enough but you'll keep them posted ?  Or the harsher that they should all mind their own businesses ?  I wouldn't reject the sympathy but get a few free meals out of them and the odd movie night if you're up to it.   It's only your fiance holed up, NOT you.  Keep moving if you can.