My daughter has anxiety and OCD

[LovingMum]

My 16yo daughter has suffered from anxiety since the onset of puberty.  Some small OCD indicators have presented since that time, but you know, everyone has their "things" don't they?  They like to use a certain fork, they like to make their bed just so.  So we didn't worry.  Last year after a series of health problems it manifested as mild OCD.  She had to wash her cutlery and crockery and used sanitiser somewhat obsessively. Or so we thought at the time. Compared to now, it seems pretty normal!  Now she cleans her hands obsessively, showers at least 3 times a day, can only wear clothes once (even a coat or scarf) before washing.  Everything has to be wiped with antibacterial wipes.  Even the packet of wipes.  She can't touch anyone and she can only touch us if we have changed from our outside clothes.  Us being her parents and her beloved little brother.  Her routines are elaborate, such as for going to bed, and any detour from them brings on panic attacks.  Being at school is torture for her.  She cannot hug her friends anymore or explain to them why.  She can't sit down outside, so she stands all day, unable to eat properly, unable to join in chatting with her friends, leaving her exhausted at the end of the day. She is so consumed with the dirtyness of the classroom and trying to prevent a panic attack that she can barely concentrate on her lessons.  I receive constant texts from her all day.  She also worries about us as soon as we are out of her sight.  I have to text her when I get to work so she knows I'm OK.  THe last couple of days it has affected her eating.  She doesn't know why but she feels bad about eating.  She doesn't want to eat and when she does she feels bad.  It's still another week until we get in to see her new psychologist.  She won't go back to the old one, another inexplicable "thing", and she would only go and see one in the same building as her dentist, as she feels less anxious about that, being familiar with the building.  She's so sick of it, it is exhausting, and she doesn't understand why she does it, and it embarrasses her.  She is worried it's affecting us all and that makes her feel worse.  I am exhausted too, emotionally it takes everything to keep her calm and to give her brother and father the attention they need.  Her Dad is the typical male Mr Fix it and is frustrated and heartbroken that he can't fix this, guilty because the anxiety runs in his family (his Mum, his sister and niece all on meds).  I'm stuck in the middle, trying to do the right thing for everyone and keep the peace and keep my daughter and the rest of us sane.  The GP suggested yoga, st johns wort and exercise but she is afraid of anything that will stop her doing the "things" that lessen her anxiety so it's even thought she agrees she should do these things, and wants to, the OCD seems to stop her.  Please, please if anyone has some tips on how to deal with this I would greatly appreciate it.  Mostly, I just need others to talk to who know what we're going through.  Tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel 😞

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Loving Mum,

Maybe you should clean the chair for your daughter in the doctor's surgery and take in your own reading material.   Bit extreme but you don't want her to walk out because she is uncomfortable.

I'm bipolar but there is a regular responder called Geoff that has a great experience of OCD and depression.  He probably won't see this thread for another day as he tends to respond very early.    

As for the family being affected.   Hey, that's normal.   If you  daughter was in a wheelchair she would worry that you have to push it sometimes or go to great lengths for transport.    Minimalising her situation is kind of her way of getting your acceptance.  But, OCD has a bunch more psychological nuances than that.

Be loving.  Be a mum.  Be a loving mum.   Tell Mr Fix It you're in it for the long run.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear LovingMum, oh dear, and she's only 16, although mine started as far back as I remember and I am 58, so it's been at least 54 years, but at that time OCD wasn't really diagnosed as such, and it's label was put done as OCD in '63.

My father was a doctor and he never knew that I had it, although he was working long hours.

It truly is an exhausting way to live, and as a young kid I had to swallow at least 100 times and if I was disturbed I had to start again.

There are so many different levels of OCD where some habits or routines are done by one person but someone else won't do them, and this is not known why this happens, or some people only do minor habits and not extreme ones.

One thing I can tell you is that my habits have changed since I was a young kid, I certainly don't swallow 100 times, but I have learnt to hide these annoying rituals so that nobody knows that I am doing them, and if for some reason I am caught out then I have a legitimate excuse.

There is a section on OCD on the anxiety video at the start, so it would be good to watch that.

Your comment 'she is afraid of anything that will stop her doing the "things" that lessen her anxiety so it's even thought she agrees she should do these things, and wants to, the OCD seems to stop her', how true this is, I know I should stop doing them, but my anxiety level raises so high if I try to stop them, I physically can't do it, I am programmed to have to them, and to say then program your mind not to do them isn't as easy as it sounds, because anxiety is the main factor here.

People say that we are stupid doing these habits/rituals, but as far as I am concerned I don't label myself as being stupid, maybe other people may call us stupid, they are entitled to say that, but we have an unexplained illness, which could be brought down from one generation to another.

With regards to her and the rest of the family it's a round robin situation, she gets upset because she is doing these habits, and in turn the family gets annoyed or irritable with her, and it requires a hell of a lot of cognitive therapy which has to be ongoing, every day and every moment.

I did an online course to improve or lessen my OCD, and it slightly improved, but certainly not 100%, but I had to continue doing these mental exercises every day and every moment, but I gave up, it was too time consuming and mentally exhausting.

Believe me I understand the situation you are in and truly know what your daughter is going through and the complete annoyance and total frustration.

What I would like you to do is keep in contact with me, as I will remember more information, and I am serious when I say this. L Geoff. x

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear LovingMum,

I have been thinking about your husband - "Her dad is the typical male Mr Fixit".

I'm glad you got the comprehensive response from Geoff.   My concern is actually your husband.   Maybe his need to get things right is masking some OCD in himself ?  My own father will wipe down tops, line cans up facing the right way in the pantry, re-park a visitor's car, put the kettle in just the right spot, etc.   LIke Geoff says, rituals play a park in all our lives.   There's no way Mr Fixit should feel guilty.  Infact, he should feel slightly relieved that his daughter's illness has surfaced whilst family member are so supportive despite the fact that "anxiety runs in his family".  

One OCD experience may illuminate others within the family and become a healthy topic of discussion for all.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear LovingMum, there will be other snippets as I think of them.

It's impossible to try and convince someone with OCD not to do them, your wasting your time, it will never work.

Her habits will increase before any function, or before someone is coming to your house or any important outing or meeting because of anxiety, and it's this level that creates this.

Let's say you are anxious about going to a meeting, your heart pumps, you sweat and you can't eat or drink.

This happens to a certain extent to a person with this illness, but more so we develop these continual actions that we have to perform, and by doing so seems to help us, but not really because we keep doing them and have to do them.

I should be embarrassed by disclosing some of my own habits, but then this is a site where we try and help each other, and to make people try and understand what OCD entails, but even so people don't believe that it's normal to do these rituals, but I'm not strapped up in a straitjacket and never have been.

I have to ( here goes ) only sometimes touch something 4 times, but it might be that I touch it 10 or 12 times as long as I am satisfied when I am count to 4, and I might have to count to 4 a few times, where's the straitjacket.

I am normal you know and I don't mind any jokes about it.

There is a medication which I take which is supposed to help with it, maybe it does, but it doesn't stop me.

My eldest son unfortunately has it and I really hope that my grand daughter doesn't get it.

No one else in my family have got it, nor did my parents, so it has skipped at least one generation, and from there on I have no idea.

OCD and depression are joined at the hip, both invariably happen and maybe for 54 years I had depression, however there were large chunks of that time where depression subsided, but OCD never disappeared.

There is some good news in that my habits/rituals have greatly improved from when I was a young kid up until now, and I have said I hide them.

I once said to my psychologist if she had seen me do any habits while I was talking to her and said no, but I had been, when she was looking away. L Geoff. x