My beautiful daughter

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Originally posted by: Angie on 26 April 2012

My 14yo daughter is really worrying me. Lately she has been crying all the time without any reason. She has kept it to herself until yesterday when she finally told me. She doesn't know what's wrong or why she is sad. She always has friends around and appears really happy. She told me externally she shows she's happy but inside she doesn't feel right. I know what she means - I do the same thing but I'm an adult and responsible for myself. She's my child and I'm responsible for her. I don't want to let this go without fixing it. I'm making an appointment with our GP today but I'm wondering if she is put on medication will she be on them forever? Is this my fault for not dealing with my issues properly? Is it my fault because I don't cuddle her enough? Will we get through this?

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Originally posted by: David Charles on 2 May 2012

Dear Angie, A 14 year girl that kicks, screams, shouts, etc, might seem a bit out of control but maybe she is looking to demonstrate what she IS capable of, i.e. can control. Plus, they're great attention seekers. Until she gets more challenging in her behaviour you might find the whole thing passes in a couple of weeks. It's not like she's running down the street naked jumping into passing cars, harming the neighbours, threatening the newsagent, etc. Could be just calculated behaviour gauranteed to cause the maximum mothering. You could always ring Lifeline if the behaviour does become more serious. Early intervention seems to be the preferred option these days. But I wouldn't deny your daughter her erratic behaviours. It's just her way of communicating with you. A lot of mental health emerges in the late teens. Adios, David.

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Originally posted by: karen on 2 May 2012

Hi Angie, Is your daughter in year 9? Apparently that is the most challenging year for teenagers. Does your daughter have somewhere to run when she needs to calm down? I have told my son instead of running away go for a run until he cools down and then come home but if it came to it I would rather he run to a friend's house. I've got some friends who are slowly coming out of the extremely difficult phase with their girls with varying degrees of success. One friend has done everything, therapy for her daughter, for the family, parenting courses, boarding school in year 11 to change peers and take the pressure off the rest of the family. The other friend has more complicated issues with drugs, drinking and self harm. Their main goals are similar though to keep the girls safe and minimise harm and to keep their sanity. I imagine it would be extremely hard to not take it personally but you have to put on that teflon coat and not let the verbal abuse affect you. Can your husband take time off or change jobs so he is around more and can support you and your daughter through this. I remember when I was 14 I thought I knew it all and I ended up leaving school at that age. It definitely isn't ideal but I survived and, in my opinion, thrived...... eventually 🙂 Pace yourself Angela because it may be a short phase or it may be the next few years of your life but hopefully you will both get through it. School is a time for formal and conventional learning but there are many ways to learn and it's never too late to get an education. Step back, take a breath and evaluate your priorities regarding your daughter and that may help in how you support her. take care, karen

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Originally posted by: Deborah on 2 May 2012

Hi Angie i know what you mean it is difficult to deal with and sometimes its like a different person with a split personality. Patience is important but firmness and rules need to be applied still. Maybe do the chores together or tell her "you know she is not coping so for now you will help her".Your daughter is probably frightened and doesnt understand what is going on within her so her anger is the only way she can vent her fear, maybe. They can be dramatic in their threats and they can be very unreasonable and paranoid. Mental illness is very difficult for all. Communicating is more important than fighting over chores.We have to be understanding and remember its the illness that has changed things not your daughter. Try to talk to her sympatheticly and explain this is difficult for you as well as her and can you both help each other through this difficult period.Hugs and talking in a calm but firm voice often work in moving forward for us. Hopefully you get in to your GP soon. Be in touch Angie lov Deb

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Originally posted by: Angie on 25 October 2012

Last week I saw my daughter with a rather large bandaid on her wrist when i asked happened she said she hurt it at school. I didn't want to push it so I kept an eye on her unitl it was removed some days later. When I saw it I asked again what happened and she said I hurt it at school. Ok I might not be a teenager who knows everything but I know this is not an accident! So I asked if she did it herself. NO was the answer. A couple of hours later she sobs hysterically telling me she did it herself because she wants to die and she cried begging me to let her die. I had finally received an appointment with a psychologist after 2 months of waiting but she seemed to settle down and was happy again. She didn't want to go and I thought she had come good and it was a phase she was going through so I cancelled the appointment. Is this just attention seeking? Is it to be taken seriously? Would she really kill herself? I'm so lost. I don't want to pay attention to it if that's why she's doing it but I don't want to ignore it if she's serious. Any suggestions? By the way thank you to everyone once again for being part of this wonderful site xx

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Originally posted by: David Charles on 25 October 2012

Dear Angie, Re-book the appointment or something similar. Even if things balance it's gotta be better to make a connection. You might need advice later on and having met up with one bastion of medical health would help. That's if you daughter and yourself hit it off with the hired mental help. I had a death defying moment from my 18 yr youngest daughter last week. It was all show but demonstrated how fragile teenagers are. My wife had taken the car and my daughter had a party and expected transport. The screaming that ensued was something like "I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ! I WANT TO DIE !". All she had to do was jot the party in our diary. Somehow, this age group expects us to be mind readers. Good Luck. Adios, David. PS The other point I was gonna make was about you only having one child - hard balance between being overly concerned and anxiously anal. Tricky.

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Originally posted by: stephen on 25 October 2012

Hi Angie, I think all self harm should be taken seriously. Your daughter is clearly distressed. Do you have a good family Doctor? Waiting 2 months for a Psychologist is just ridiculous. I would go back to your Doctor and ask for a referral for another Psychologist. Let us know how you go. Stephen

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Originally posted by: Scott2 on 25 October 2012

Hi Angie your parenting skills have nothing to do with it, The self harm etc dont focus to much on that, it's just a control thing. Anyhow her moods i would be more worried concerned about,they need to be under control more , so she can then seek councilling. Start with step 1 and 2 medication if appropriate sounds it, then Councillor. Stop all the chaos for now being hard on yourself. Sometimes Life is just a B*** and we dont deal with it to well and we need some help ..is my Theory. Good luck S2

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Originally posted by: candy on 26 October 2012

Dear Angie,self harm is generally a way of transferring emotional pain into physical pain, I have been through similar with my eldest son as he couldn't deal with his depressed thoughts, so to have some control over mental pain he turned it to physical so he had some control, all I could do was give him love and understanding and lots of outside help from mental health professionals,he would go off and punch holes in walls and scream, it has gotten heaps better, it is hard being a mother with a mental illness and then to watch our kids go down a similar road is heart breaking, please don't blame yourself as its so easy to do, please take advantage of all the help you can for yourself and your daughter as you need help to get through this as well, my heart and tears go out to you,Candy

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Originally posted by: Angie on 26 October 2012

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. I've managed to get her in to see a counsellor next week but she doesn't want to go. I've mentioned that to the counsellor, so I'm going to meet her first and take it a step at a time. It's so hard seeing a bright, bubbly, happy person so down and when she doesn't want to talk it's just so much harder. I've been giving alot of quite cuddles while she cries. I've successfully managed to coax her out of her room and off for a walk or run around the park which I notice helps somewhat. She's not my only child she's one of 3. One of the others is so happy-go-lucky and nothing phases him - he has been a happy soul since birth and continues to be. The 3rd is only a baby - so hopefully bub will be another happy-go-lucky person! Once again thank you everyone - thank you so much for your advice and taking the time to care. Angie xx

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Originally posted by: geoff on 27 October 2012

dear Angie, I know that this upsets you a great deal and that your daughter is struggling. It doesn't matter how well a parent tries to guide their kids in the right direction there are many other factors that can influence them such as their peers, school or pressure by the opposite sex to engage in the naughty things in life. The only thing is that she has opened up to you, which is sometimes a battle, but this is good and from this then you can direct her to the appropriate help. There must be lots of other points in her life in which she is holding back from telling you, but that's normal for a teenager, and why she needs to keep seeing a professional psych. Take care. Love Geoff. x